Discarded by narcissist or Just lost interest

[Solace]

Please help me decipher these actions I've been trying to figure out if I was recently discarded by a narcissist or this is typical actions of a man who's lost interest.

This has been very difficult for me to come to terms with because we were platonic friends  for many years however we would only see each other a few times a year,(I moved 4 hrs away) and talk on the phone about every other month so we weren't super close friends.

Recently we met up at a bowling alley with a mutual friend of ours we all had a good time but when it was time to depart he began hugging me and telling me how much he's always liked me..showing extra interest in me which felt a little awkward. I was single and I know that he very recently broke up with a woman, I told him I felt like he was just mourning the loss of his recent relationship and possibly looking for a rebound PLUS he had a few drinks.

For the next 3 days he continued pursuing me so I thought maybe he's serious..so I gave it a shot and we had sex the next day. **The reminder of the story I'll just list the main issues as bulletpoints to keep it simple and easy to read**


    - After our first time having sex I felt used because he immediately went to sleep, like INSTANTLY..I tried shaking him to wake up so he could walk me to my car and he started snoring louder so I just left and went home.
    - The next day he called to apologize, I told him I'm not interested in FWB after a little hesitation he agreed on a relationship.
    - The years I've known him I do not remember him having any long term relationships most usually last maybe 6 months. He's never been married we're both in our 40's
    - About a week after agreeing to be in relationship I asked him to come visit me for the weekend and he did we had a good time we took lots of pics together but I noticed in some pictures he had this weird blank stare and looked fake.
    - A week later I visited him everything was great except I noticed scratches on his back, I asked him about them he said he did it himself..I said how could you do that yourself you do not have nails! (He bites his nails to the meat) he came up with another excuse but I just left it alone.
    - In between our visits he would call me every single day and we'd spend hrs on the phone.
    - About a 2 weeks later i visited him again, it was my birthday weekend. He didn't seem to enthused about seeing me this time 😕 usually when I'm in town for the weekend he's spends every minute with me this time he disappeared for 7 hrs.. I blocked him on my phone because I was mad, when he reappeared he called me from another number and said he was sleeping 🙄 we made up but After this incident everything went downhill fast.
    - He told me he thinks I am mean idk why I haven't done anything for him to think that..afterwards there was this awkward moment where he seemed like he wanted to say something but he held it in..
    - We got into our first argument about him becoming inconsistent, I tried have an adult conversation with him about it but he got extremely upset and hung up on me.
    - Twice during a FaceTime call I noticed him give me this evil look and like roll his eyes then look away..it was odd I thought maybe I didn't look too appealing so I told him I had to go.
    - He began calling our mutual friend and telling her about our issues, he would claim he was so in love with me and so hurt about how things was going but he's never going to give up on me etc..of course our friend would tell me everything he said and I'd be so surprised because sometimes I felt he didn't even like me.
    - About a week later I go visit him again (we're now 2 months in the relationship) I bought us tickets to see a movie and I begged him not to fall asleep cause the last time we went to the theater he fell asleep snoring I was embarrassed! I made him drink a 5 hr energy drink before we entered the theater and low and behold he fell asleep again within 30 minutes!!! But for some reason idk why it felt like he was faking..I watched most of the movie while he snored in my ear then I was ready to go so I nudge him to wake up..he then says " No don't go I wanna see the end" I looked at him like are you serious..then I tried to get up out of my chair and he held my leg down so i couldn't move then I pinched him so he could release my leg..he then jumped up and loudly said "DID YOU JUST FKN PINCH ME!?" and stormed out of the theatre..I gathered my things and got up and followed him out. During the drive back to his house neither of us said anything to eachther (this was the last time we saw each other) I didn't go inside his home..i actually got in my car and drove 4 hrs back to my house. When I got home I tried to reach out to apologize but he had blocked me from everything!
    - I called our mutual friend and told her what happened..and she was able to get him to unblock me so I could apologize.
    - After I apologized he did as well, and we began talking on the phone everyday again..I'm assuming everything is going back to normal but his inconsistencies worsens..he was fickle during phone conversation says he'll call me right back but didn't and claimed it was because he fell asleep. But still claiming he misses me..this went on for 2 weeks and I held back from coming to see him because I wanted him to make an effort to come see me which he didn't
    - I finally asked him to come see me he said he couldn't because he's busy..at this point it's feeling like he no longer wants the relationship..so I tried to tell him we do not have to be in a relationship we can just be Fwb (I didn't want to lose him) but I was not able to finish my sentence before he got upset hung up the phone and blocked again.
    - Our mutual friend then called us on 3 way so we could talk it out..this was the angriest I've ever seen him..he screamed cussed told me not to ever call him again and of course hung up the phone..his reaction are always over the top unnecessary.
    - The next day he called our mutual friend and asked her if I was ok and continued to speak as though he was hurting by the situation, my friend would call me and tell me everything he said.. I tried to reach out but he refused to unblock me
    - After 3 weeks I decided I was going to reach out to him from a different phone number, so I sent him a text message apologizing that things didn't work out between us and wish him the best and a happy new year.. I felt I needed to do this for some type of closure for not only our relationship but a friendship as well.
    - He never replied.
    - About a week later I'm feeling better and just made peace mentally that things were over. Then I get a message from our mutual friend she said how he reached out to her and told her about the closure message I sent and ohh he sounds so sad he said why didn't you just call him to say those things (In the closure message)
    - So I kinda get excited because maybe he wants to talk to me now since he's saying "why didn't I just call" so of course like a dummy I call (from a fake number) he doesn't answer...then I text he never responded..now I feel like crap again.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Gosh! What a terrible experience! Sounds to me like neither he nor this mutual friend are very good for you.
I have learned that when there is a contradiction between words and actions, it helps me see clearly when I focus on actions solely. And if you look at his actions- they are not loving, respectful, or kind. Rather, he seems to play cat and mouse with you with the aid of mutual friend. It's up to you to decide if that is the kind of friendship/relationship you want, and if not- what are you going to do?

[Catothecat]

There seems to be an awful lot of drama going on with this relationship, Solace, especially considering how early it is in its current phase.  I think it might be a good idea to take a step back and ask yourself why you want to remain involved with this man, at whatever level, since it seems to be costing you a lot emotionally. 

What is he giving you as opposed to what is he taking from you?  And is it worth it?

As far as what the mutual friend is telling you--she sounds like she's doing flying monkey duties for him and is being manipulated. 

Trust your gut on this one.  You already suspect his "falling asleep" and "snoring" habit is just a pretense, something he's faking, and that begs the question, why?  What's up with the game playing?  The push-pull?  No mature, stable adult does things like this.

[moglow]

There seems to be an awful lot of drama going on with this relationship, Solace, especially considering how early it is in its current phase.  I think it might be a good idea to take a step back and ask yourself why you want to remain involved with this man, at whatever level, since it seems to be costing you a lot emotionally. 

What is he giving you as opposed to what is he taking from you?  And is it worth it?

As far as what the mutual friend is telling you--she sounds like she's doing flying monkey duties for him and is being manipulated. 

Trust your gut on this one.  You already suspect his "falling asleep" and "snoring" habit is just a pretense, something he's faking, and that begs the question, why?  What's up with the game playing?  The push-pull?  No mature, stable adult does things like this.

Yeah alla that. This is the supposed honeymoon stage when we're building a relationship and presumably on our best behavior. And this is ...?? You go see him and he disappears for seven hours - did he have prior plans, appts, commitments and at least let you know that? Sure come on over but I do have x events on y days already in place?

And really, your mutual friend is running interference - already? Y'all. Be adults here. Either discuss and resolve between you or not, but negotiating through third person, blocking and unblocking? It's way soon for all that folderol, to me.

Drama. Sounds like a lot of drama. Hes not necessarily a bad person, may make a better platonic friend.
   

[Solace]

There seems to be an awful lot of drama going on with this relationship, Solace, especially considering how early it is in its current phase.  I think it might be a good idea to take a step back and ask yourself why you want to remain involved with this man, at whatever level, since it seems to be costing you a lot emotionally. 

What is he giving you as opposed to what is he taking from you?  And is it worth it?

As far as what the mutual friend is telling you--she sounds like she's doing flying monkey duties for him and is being manipulated. 

Trust your gut on this one.  You already suspect his "falling asleep" and "snoring" habit is just a pretense, something he's faking, and that begs the question, why?  What's up with the game playing?  The push-pull?  No mature, stable adult does things like this.

Yeah alla that. This is the supposed honeymoon stage when we're building a relationship and presumably on our best behavior. And this is ...?? You go see him and he disappears for seven hours - did he have prior plans, appts, commitments and at least let you know that? Sure come on over but I do have x events on y days already in place?

And really, your mutual friend is running interference - already? Y'all. Be adults here. Either discuss and resolve between you or not, but negotiating through third person, blocking and unblocking? It's way soon for all that folderol, to me.

Drama. Sounds like a lot of drama. Hes not necessarily a bad person, may make a better platonic friend.
   

Yes it was lots of drama in a relatively short period of time. No he didn't have any commitments that he made me aware of..his excuse was that he fell asleep. I've just been so confused of how things would turn out this way when we were such peaceful friends prior..I'm at a lost..We haven't spoken since.. even after I've reached out to apologize for the relationship not working, I wished him a happy new year...And he just ignored me..he may not be narcissistic..I just don't see how this would be a normal reaction from someone you considered a friend.

[Solace]

There seems to be an awful lot of drama going on with this relationship, Solace, especially considering how early it is in its current phase.  I think it might be a good idea to take a step back and ask yourself why you want to remain involved with this man, at whatever level, since it seems to be costing you a lot emotionally. 

What is he giving you as opposed to what is he taking from you?  And is it worth it?

As far as what the mutual friend is telling you--she sounds like she's doing flying monkey duties for him and is being manipulated. 

Trust your gut on this one.  You already suspect his "falling asleep" and "snoring" habit is just a pretense, something he's faking, and that begs the question, why?  What's up with the game playing?  The push-pull?  No mature, stable adult does things like this.

I'm just really at a lost..why Initiate a romantic relationship with me then treat it this way? We were friends since HS..I am dumbfounded. Everything seemed fake or forced his affection his time everything. you are correct the mutual friend does seem like a flying monkey or possibly a triangulation attempts. Part of me feels he just simply lost interest but why? What did I do? Why not give closure? This triggered major anxiety..constantly checking my phone and social media to see if he's tried contacting me..I had to change my phone number and delete all social media for my own mental peace..so I'm working on moving on.

[Solace]

Welcome! Gosh! What a terrible experience! Sounds to me like neither he nor this mutual friend are very good for you.
I have learned that when there is a contradiction between words and actions, it helps me see clearly when I focus on actions solely. And if you look at his actions- they are not loving, respectful, or kind. Rather, he seems to play cat and mouse with you with the aid of mutual friend. It's up to you to decide if that is the kind of friendship/relationship you want, and if not- what are you going to do?

Well I've distanced myself now and plan to keep it that way. I pay attention to actions as well and usually when words and actions are not aligned something is wrong. I just don't understand the "WHY"..why would he do this?..that's the part I seem to be struggling with the most.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Solace,

I've had a few people in life do very odd things and left me with no answers. I am sorry you're going through this as well.

My guess is that something is going on in his life that he isn't telling you about. If he treated you well - like a good friend - before you had sex then maybe that is how he is. If the drama started after the sex, then he has issues of his own to deal with. He might have avoidance issues.

It sounds like you are trying hard now to deal with how dysregulating and hard this has been on you.

Sometimes our anxiety comes from worrying about how we want to avoid having this happen again. If that is the case, then counselling might really help with talking through the anxiety that this has stirred up.

Sometimes we don't do anything wrong, but the other person is just going to do their avoidant thing with us, because that is how they live their life. We can heal from these events. Take good care of yourself today.

Trees

[Jolie40]

Hi Solace,
since you two were friends for years & the only thing that changed was intimacy being added to friendship,.....my guess is that is what changed the friendship & he might have felt you two couldn't go back to just being friends

before I was married & in college, I dated
I met guys at college, at work, & at weekly roller skating
after 2 or 3 dates, a guy might want to get intimate but I told them "I'm waiting for marriage"
I never got another date after I said that!

husband-to-be was only one who kept dating me as he was crazy about me
so I never dated anyone for more than 2 or 3 dates except husband!

I really do think intimacy changes relationships
sorry you lost your friend!

[Solace]

Hi Solace,
since you two were friends for years & the only thing that changed was intimacy being added to friendship,.....my guess is that is what changed the friendship & he might have felt you two couldn't go back to just being friends

before I was married & in college, I dated
I met guys at college, at work, & at weekly roller skating
after 2 or 3 dates, a guy might want to get intimate but I told them "I'm waiting for marriage"
I never got another date after I said that!

husband-to-be was only one who kept dating me as he was crazy about me
so I never dated anyone for more than 2 or 3 dates except husband!

I really do think intimacy changes relationships
sorry you lost your friend!

Thanks Jolie40, Honestly..this way of thinking (if what you're stating is indeed how he feels) is just not normal to me, you do not pretend a friend never existed because the two of you became intimate and it didn't work out (mainly because of you)...then tell mutual friends I should call him, so that he can deliberately ignore me again. Sounds like manipulation to me.

[moglow]

Its *not* normal at all, that's just it - for him this may be as good as it gets. It could well be manipulation, Solace, In that he doesn't want to be seen as "the bad guy" (is presuming there must somehow be one). If that's the case, he'd have no way to communicate that to you, so he avoids.


He doesn't sounds like he's ready for or wants a relationship, may feel he's been pushed into it and agreed only to prevent hurt feelings. He likely doesn't understand why anyone here would be hurt or disappointed. If you pursue a conversation about it, I'd bet on "you knew I just went through a breakup/I told you I wasn't looking for a relationship/you pushed for a relationship before I was ready... " responses from him.


These days my internal meter runs this way - who's chasing/pursuing who and is it consistent? If it's not mutual and is inconsistent, all the answers to our "but whys" won't change that.


And this going through a mutual friend, in your 40s? I'd nip that in the bud at this point. Don't ask about him/his motives and change the subject if they bring it up. Discourage what only amounts to he said/she said. If he wants to talk to you he'll call ; if he doesn't, all the casual messages back and forth change nothing.

[Leonor]

Hi Solace,

Disordered, confused, incompatible, issues, whatever.

He is a Bad. Boyfriend.

Bad boyfriend!

We tie ourselves in knots trying to figure out why partners do this or that, run hot and cold, hoover and discard, ghost us and then send us flowers.

And that way we keep the story going: are we the beauty who can finally tame the beast? The true love who was right there the whole time? The tender nurse who can heal his broken heart? The heroine who rescues the bad boy from himself?

Who! Cares! YOU are not a bit player in this man's life. You are not an afterthought. You are not his emotional punching bag. And you are certainly not some doormat he can walk all over or a character in a play he and this friend are dishing about. (I would bet dime for dollar that this friend is on his radar ... He got to you by boo hoo-ing over his ex; is this his M.O.?)

Do you know what strong, independent, smart and sassy women like you do with bad boyfriends like him?

Break up with him! Like Beyonce says, "Sorry, not sorry. Boy, bye!"

You still have your own place. You have no legal or contractual relationship with this man. You have no children or pets together. Boy, bye!

And then spend some time getting to know you. Why did you agree to date a guy you knew was rebounding and a sloppy drunk? Why did you return his call after having to leave his house alone in the dark? Why are you driving 4 hours to his house instead of having him pick you up like a gentleman? Why is it ok for him to swear at you? Or gossip about you with your friend? What is it that you don't love, honor, appreciate, and respect in yourself, for allowing someone to behave this way around you?

You go take yourself out to a nice movie, a fancy restaurant and buy yourself flowers on the way home.

When he hoovers you again, suggest he get help for his terrible sleeping disorder.

And hang up!

[Solace]

Hi Solace,

Disordered, confused, incompatible, issues, whatever.

He is a Bad. Boyfriend.

Bad boyfriend!

We tie ourselves in knots trying to figure out why partners do this or that, run hot and cold, hoover and discard, ghost us and then send us flowers.

And that way we keep the story going: are we the beauty who can finally tame the beast? The true love who was right there the whole time? The tender nurse who can heal his broken heart? The heroine who rescues the bad boy from himself?

Who! Cares! YOU are not a bit player in this man's life. You are not an afterthought. You are not his emotional punching bag. And you are certainly not some doormat he can walk all over or a character in a play he and this friend are dishing about. (I would bet dime for dollar that this friend is on his radar ... He got to you by boo hoo-ing over his ex; is this his M.O.?)

Do you know what strong, independent, smart and sassy women like you do with bad boyfriends like him?

Break up with him! Like Beyonce says, "Sorry, not sorry. Boy, bye!"

You still have your own place. You have no legal or contractual relationship with this man. You have no children or pets together. Boy, bye!

And then spend some time getting to know you. Why did you agree to date a guy you knew was rebounding and a sloppy drunk? Why did you return his call after having to leave his house alone in the dark? Why are you driving 4 hours to his house instead of having him pick you up like a gentleman? Why is it ok for him to swear at you? Or gossip about you with your friend? What is it that you don't love, honor, appreciate, and respect in yourself, for allowing someone to behave this way around you?

You go take yourself out to a nice movie, a fancy restaurant and buy yourself flowers on the way home.

When he hoovers you again, suggest he get help for his terrible sleeping disorder.

And hang up!

Ha! Thanks Leonor!! I agree with everything you've said..I'm in a much better place (mentally) now! In hindsight I can clearly see the signs but as it's actually happening it's hard to realize. I've never been an easy target for these types of men.. I am very strong observant and trusts my intuition...the only reason this guy lasted as long as he did (3 months) is because we were such good friends so I was blindsided. One thing I've learned is there's a WHOLLLLE lot of crappy people living among us..no matter how great someone appears to be you'll never know them until you really KNOW them.