Intro

[Gaslit]

New here! After 58 years I have finally been brave enough to cut ties with the narcissist mother. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. No, I do know why but I regret not doing it sooner.  I am currently struggling with why those who could see the way she treated me didn't stand up for me and put her in her place. My husband in particular.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm a similar age to you. I haven't cut ties with my mother but am VLC, grey rock etc. It took me until my mid forties to even start realising what the problem was. I don't really want to rock the family boat if I don't have to.

As to standing up for you - would you have allowed your husband to put her in her place? Did you ask him to? What does he say now that you have cut ties?

[Srcyu]

They probably didn't want her laser beam turned on them - enablers.

Also a similar age 

[SonofThunder]

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG Gaslit!  Glad to have you as a fellow hiker along this 'life with a PD' trail, we all walk together.  Im sorry you have had a long and difficult history with this person.  Going NC (no contact) is sometimes fully necessary for self-protection and can be a difficult decision for oneself, for a variety of reasons, so congratulations on the strong boundary. 

With regard to boundaries, I believe they are protective decisions we make to guard ourselves and we can only control the actions & reactions of ourselves, not other adult humans.  I want to point you to the toolbox tab at the top right of every page, and encourage you to camp there for a while, absorbing all the goodness and truth that tab has to offer.  You will find 'boundaries' located in the toolbox. You will also find the acronym  'JADE', which stands for justify, argue, defend and explain.  When dealing with PD's the acronym is a great reminder to 'no-JADE'.

Similar to fishing, PD's like to toss their baited hooks in my corner of the pond.  They also throw their lures around the other hiding places where my beloved family members and friends reside.  The predator PD presents this lure in hopes that the prey will take that bait and then get hooked onto the line by a reaction of JADE. When I justify, argue, defend or explain, that is the moment the PD sets that hook deep into my lip and starts reeling me closer into their desired drama catch-net. 

The predator PD tries to stay one-step ahead of me in offense with me (the prey) on defense, which is a disadvantaged position for me.  Therefore, there are some companion tools in the toolbox to assist me with noJADE, such as GR (grey-rock) or MC (medium-chill) which are close cousins.  I cant stop the PD from throwing lures, but I surely can start recognizing the difference between the real food I need and the sharp hook hidden in the bait thrown my way by the PD. 

Therefore, like Windmill and NarcKiddo are suggesting in their comments, standing up to a PD is exactly what the PD desires, as the PD will use that JADE to create conflict between the others and enjoy watching them squirm and fight against that the line the PD is steadily reeling closer.  The others you mention, may have their radar set high enough that they pick up on the drama nature of the mother, but don't have a term to apply to the behavior, so they just stay clear.  I cant blame my family members and friends for staying away or quiet from the very same PD in which I went NC.  I did it with purpose; and the others possibly by instinct. 

While you are enjoying the campsite at the toolbox tab, I extend the invitation to kick off your hiking boots, and rest your weary feet near the warm fires of the forum boards.  We always leave one chair empty around the board campfires for new members like yourself, to join us.  See you around the boards!

SoT

[LemonLime]

Welcome, Gaslit.

I'm also similar age to you!  It's my sib that's the PD in my family.   I understand feeling frustrated/angry/confused by those who seem to sort of see the ridiculous and harmful behavior of the PD, but do nothing to stand up for me (or for themselves, for that matter).
It hurts me that my husband has not more forcefully stood up for me.

However, I remind myself it took me til my 50's to even understand what the heck my sib was doing and that it was abuse.  And that I minimized it for years.  I excused it for years.  So I feel I need or want to have some compassion for others who are still a bit in the FOG.  Also, on a practical note, I find that perfectly reasonable and very smart people (and even most therapists I've seen) have difficulty seeing PD behavior when they either aren't the victim of it or they just aren't repeatedly exposed to it.   I choose to have compassion for them because my other choice would be to judge them harshly and perhaps to feel alienated and lonely.  Even perhaps to be angry enough to want less contact with these well-meaning people.   

I don't want to feel more lonely, so I choose to try to understand the enablers.   I'm not saying you should do this too, just offering up how I cope.   It's not entirely satisfying.  But it's the way I cope and it works pretty well for me. 
Thanks for sharing.  I'm glad you're here.  We really do "get it".  This forum has been lifesaving for me, and I hope it is valuable for you too.