anyone feel like they don't exist in their enmeshed family

[somekindofchange]

In conversations with my mom she's on the verge of fully villifying me to everyone, I can tell. Passive aggressively letting me know that really she's in control.

My family is enmeshed and emphasizes loyalty. I told her clearly and directly through a text that I can't help her plan my sister's baby shower because I'm in the midst of a very stressful job search and just a general struggle and I think it would be best if it's her event. That's true and plus what I didn't say was how torn up I've been about my sister and her pregnancy because my mom is exhibiting all the signs of repeating what happened when we were kids, having no boundaries at all with my sister's child and that terrifies me. She ignores my text and sends a long wordy email to me and my dad as if I hadn't sent a text at all about how it's so important that me, my dad, and I plan and do this baby shower for my sister with random logistics. I ignore the email. She pushes and pushes about me making an event website because she can't do it. I cave and do it because she really can't make one. On the phone she gushes about how "oh, I just want you to know I've gotten sooo much great feedback about the event website", she won't give actual examples like "joanne said this" because she really doesn't want you to have individual relationships with other people. She's done this forever, artificially inflate you. Truly this event website is my one true accomplishment  I've been through the wringer in the mental health field and I'm in a huge transition, no word on that. I don't exist.

I've been in interviews. You can't be yourself in them though (which is the thing that works). I always feel like I'm pretending with the people I speak to. When I started writing this the don't exist thing became that much clearer having to outline step by step what happened because I didn't fully recognize that she ignored my text then sent an email to a group pretending I hadn't sent it. Who wouldn't feel like they don't exist.

Anyone else get this feeling.

[Jolie40]

somekindofchange

hi, yes you do exist!

sometimes FOO is in their own little world, though
I was SG & when visiting PD parent's house one time, everyone was excitedly talking about the vacation PD parent was going on soon

I was the only one to not know about the vacation
even though I'd talked with PD parent & a sibling lately, no one told me
they all kept things from me all the time
so other than when it was time to blame me for something, I didn't exist to them, either

however, I made a life for myself

somekindofchange.....you have a life, too!
be proud of what you've accomplished independent of FOO

[Srcyu]

We only exist when it suits them because they are never,  ever capable of seeing us for who we really are. They have nothing to give us, they can only take.
They are merely aware of their own existence and all that matters is how we can be used to suit their needs. She disregarded your email because she doesn't want to hear about, 'why nots' she only wants you to fall in line.

I was often summoned by bpd mother to fill various roles for her convenience or preference and left out or ignored for others. She would exhibit a highly annoyed, tight-lipped attitude if I managed to point this out.

I suspect that your mother may not of actually told people who it was that made the event website.

Job interviews do tend to involve a bit of pretending. They need your skills and are willing to pay for them. There are some online videos that give advice about what prospective employers really want to hear in interviews. It might help.



milly

[Cat of the Canals]

On the phone she gushes about how "oh, I just want you to know I've gotten sooo much great feedback about the event website", she won't give actual examples like "joanne said this" because she really doesn't want you to have individual relationships with other people. She's done this forever, artificially inflate you.

This is such a spot on description of my own PDmom (right down to pressuring me to make websites!). I have a hard time accepting genuine compliments from other people because I grew up with a mom who used praise solely as a tool for manipulation.

And I know that feeling of "not existing." Because I don't -- not in my mother's eyes, at least. I am not a separate person. I am an extension of her.

[escapingman]

Can definitely relate, I only exist if I fill the role they have assigned me. If I am myself and not fall in line I am ignored, that suits me well after years of pretending.

Remember you do exist and are important, that they can't see it is their problem. Live your life for you, not them!

[Leonor]

I never existed, either. I was the GC. It was horrifying. You know those nightmares where something scary is about to happen and you open your mouth to yell and no sound comes out? That's what it felt like. I would say, hey, this is happening and I would get a pat on the head. "Lah di dah, Leonor, you're late for school." Or irritation: "Leonor, you have no sense of self, that's your problem."

Gee, ya think?

I stepped out of my role forever at 36
I confronted my mom in a therapy session. What's weird is that it wasn't me accusing her of abuse that did it. It was when I understood that she did to me what was done to her. She was a GC too (I inherited the role from her), and when I wept with empathy for the little girl who had her entire self hollowed out to the point where she could not feel real love from her daughter, she erased me. Literally ... her mother's obituary lists the names of her surviving children and grandchildren, but not mine.

Today I feel like the velveteen rabbit. I had to be loved into life. This love has stripped away the GC false self. That was hard, actually. First because I was very vain about my GC false self. Then because I wanted to be the GC of healing. And then because I had no idea who I was without the GC mask. And then because who I was without the mask was not this perfectly GC person.

But the real is real. There's an online store called the RealReal. That's what I call my life now. The real real. Not the family role. Not the role I'd like to choose for myself. Not the projection of reality we call the real world. The real real. That's where the love is.

[somekindofchange]

thank you all for your amazing words

resonate with so much of what's said. also the same person to my mom not a separate one and there's so much pain there for her

it's crazy how fucked things get when you're made to be erased, takes so much from you. I'm mentally there

and also being passively aggressively told by her that "it's hard out there for everyone" and "I'm an immigrant and I made it" with the implication that I don't work hard enough or do enough. stays with you. even though I've done some of the hardest things there are to do and I've been in a place where I really understood how much is possible if you stop believing the illusions that get placed on you about your limitations. you're erased. so you end up depersonalized and dissociated. a lot of times I'm generally good at things but don't progress. it's always back to ground zero if my family gets involved because whatever you've pursued: no you didn't. or sometimes the expectations are unreal and manipulative. I have to dig in super hard and ignore any and all messages from the world about the way things are or just fall apart. I've lost steam.

In my interviews I had the first won't get back to me for two weeks and won't start for a month and the open house I went to they said they have a four to eight week onboarding period. How in the fuck am I meant to make it. clearly I'm not "working hard enough". world won't fucking help me. made an etsy shop and opened it thinking I need to reaccess something joyful and something that helps me. lost my mind trying to get it all together and make sure the product was good. no sales. demoralizing. the desperation probably impacts it all

the backflips I've done to empathize with my family and the lack of genuine support grinds. just ends up with having to reaccess empathy for why things are the way they are, what other choice is there

[Leonor]

Hi Somekind,

Yes, it's so maddening and crazy making.

Where you are is exactly where you need to be. You're just starting to get clear on all this. To really see that, no, they do not see you, and no, they do not validate you.

They just don't.

And it makes perfect sense that that existential frustration would seep into or spill over or otherwise show up elsewhere, especially in a job search. Talk about a situation in which you are trying to get someone to see and validate you and your worth as a person without having a clue about you! No wonder it feels like you're hitting one brick wall after another!

It just sounds exhausting. But also I think you may be being way too hard on yourself. You don't have to prove yourself to your mom. You don't have to have a career all figured out. And you certainly don't need to wear yourself out trying to start a whole new business (those online marketplaces are scams, anyway.) You do not have to make the world see you in hopes that it will make your mom see you.

Put all that on pause.

This healing business is work. It's like recovery. It's spiritual rehab. It requires time. And rest. And eating well. And walks outside. It requires hours of free time for you to dedicate to journaling or therapy or weeping or ripping up letters or reading about narcissistic abuse or art therapy or equine therapy or whatever you need to do to feel, really feel in your marrow, that you are real. And worthy. And important. And lovable.

You don't need a career right now. A job will do. A job to pay enough for a roof over your head and food in your belly. It's not a forever thing. It's not the measure of who you are. It's just a little money in your pocket to see you through this rough early time, when your emotions are turning everything topsy turvy.

Your family does not understand you. They don't have the depth or insight to do so. If they could, they would, but they can't. It doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for them, or live "above" them, or accept their dismissal of you. It just means they don't get to decide who you are. They don't get to win arguments about what you need to do or what's the matter with you or why can't you be more like them. They are not "the world." And the good news is, "the world" is not them!

Wait a table. Ring up a cash register. Answer a phone. Rent a room. Share a co-op. Do the small daily things, so you can do the big healing things.

After a while, things will become clearer. You'll find your sea legs. Your mom will shrink to human size and you will grow into human size. And your choices will become wider and your path forward will become clearer. Your parents have fogged up your brain ... How can you find your way right now?

And do your art or craft or creative thing! Do it for you, because you love it, because it brings you joy. Don't let your mom turn it against you by making you feel you have to squeeze a buck out of it or exploit it somehow. You're not for sale to the highest bidder.