I’m the crazy one? Trigger warning for mentions of physical and emotional abuse

[Lnalac]

I'm sort of struggling to make sense of my family's treatment of me.

I was talking to my aunt about my mom, and her abuse of me. I never attached any specific emotions to my experience but I wanted to detail her specific treatment of me so she could understand my reason for going no contact.

It feels like that backfired.  My feelings are being painted as angry, and they prevented me from going to my mother's cremation because they feared an outburst.  Even though outbursts aren't really my thing.

My aunt stated that it's because I stated I was angry.  I had mostly described specifics of my treatment rather than my feelings.  I described incidences of physical abuse where my mom encouraged my adult brother to beat me as a child.  I was severely emotionally abused by them as well.

When my mother died my aunt discouraged me from attending her cremation suggesting I was just too angry.  She suggested that practically everyone thought I was angry, including my mother's partner whom I had never met.

I stated that they are mischaracterizing my feelings and asked them to understand that things run deeper than what they are assuming.

My aunt admitted that my brother suggested I not go because I had stated I was angry at my mom, at one point.  My aunt also said it was because I stated to her I was angry, although I don't specifically recall saying anything to her.

I admitted it sounds like my brother is controlling the narrative and they are allowing him to.  It also looks like they are controlling the narrative by framing me as "too angry" or combative.

What's going on?

[moglow]

Crazy is all relative, and honestly sometimes we're all a little bit crazy no matter who we are. Maybe just not all in the same way!

Going out on a limb here but maybe, just maybe, you're understandably angry over the way you've been treated in the past and are treated now?? What's wrong with being angry, other than the simple fact that it disrupts their chosen narrative? Is shutting you down supposed to help you in some way or are they just intent on sweeping everything away so it's all nice and tidy? They're afraid of your anger - whatever for? Voicing something doesn't mean you're about to lose your ever-loving crap!

I get it, they don't want to hear it. So what happens when you shut down and don't talk about what's bothering you, you know all that stuff you're not allowed to talk about because you're angry? My guess is they'll complain about you being too quiet or withdrawn or whatevs. But honestly? I think I'd find others to talk to and spend your energies on. They don't seem to appreciate that we all have stuff we're working through. Just because they choose to ignore their own doesn't mean you should shut down to appease them.
Other people's judgments aren't about you, is where I'm going here. It doesn't change who you are.

[Lnalac]

Thank you for your reply.

I started reading a number of things on the site about circular arguments etc, and controlling behaviours.

I told them that anger is a repertoire of my emotions but does not necessarily define me as a person.  I reasonably feel many different things about my experience. I said anger is a normal part of grief.

I think my aunt seems to view my stating that my feelings  are permitted as argumentative.

I showed an outside person (therapeutic purposes) and they said there was literally nothing indicating anger in my email.  I asked them to kindly refrain from trying to label my emotions and stop preventing me from engaging in a typical family experience.

They accused me of starting drama, and then cut me off.

It feels like my brother went to them and made a stink about how I might behave inappropriately.  I said it was odd my behaviour was a concern when his behaviour had certainly been inappropriate in the past.

It feels like backstabbing and maybe triangulation.  I can see where they think I am over exaggerating about being victimized when it's not necessarily happening.

My brother appears to projecting his anger onto me, and is trying to control how I am perceived.

It's the way they seemed to conspire against me and make it sound like "everyone" is concerned about my anger, like I'm the one who is dangerous.

[Lnalac]

I think they are ultimately afraid of looking bad, if I say something that does not fall in line with a loving grieving daughter.

Like accidental dark humour or anxiety are inappropriate responses.  It feels like they are defining me as having disordered anger as probably a way of sweeping it under the rug.

It's about control it seems like.  My response to them was I will take care of my emotions appropriately, as should my sibling.  It's not their job to label and control me by attempting to predict patterns in my behaviour when there are no patterns.

I haven't spent much time with them in 12 years for them to even make that assessment.

If they think my getting mad at my brother for getting ridiculously plastered at a family gathering 15-20 years ago is a sign of my disordered anger they're willfully naive.

[moglow]

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, as they say. To acknowledge what you're dealing with is to admit they knew or possibly witnessed the abuse, and couldn't do anything. It may be they knew their limits with your mother or that some didn't witness it firsthand so they don't know what happened, and helplessness and guilt have set in as a result .

I wouldn't discuss my feelings with people who can't be bothered to listen me through it, not anymore. Sometimes it helps us tremendously to finally say some things, lance the boil as it were so we can let them go. Other people don't always understand, that's not necessarily anger or holding a grudge but giving air and sunlight to ugliness so we see it for what/who it is.

At the end of the day, they don't really know you. They think they do because of family ties, but deep down? They have no idea who you are, not now. Keep it there and understand that people who don't know you can't hurt you.

[Blodyn]

I agree with Moglow, it's pointless arguing with family members because to me, they seem to be determined to misconstrue your feelings and create a narrative that suits their purpose.

Have you seen any of Ross Rosenberg's videos on YouTube.  There's one called Never Wrestle With Pigs or How To Resist Induced Conversation.  It's well worth watching.  I've learned from bitter experience not to discuss my inner thoughts and feelings with narc/flying monkey relatives.  I've given up on any expectation that they will understand or believe that I was abused.

I have accepted that our relationships are distant and superficial, but if I reflect honestly, I would have to admit that they always were.  And if you step back from trying to persuade your family as to how you truly feel, you'll see the same qualities exist in all narc / flying monkey relationships.  There is no such thing as authenticity in toxic relationships because denial, gaslighting, triangulation, and other such behaviours, holds the dysfunctional dynamics in place.

Much of your frustration stems from believing that you can convince them and get them to change their beliefs and behaviours.  You won't succeed.  Denial is a too strong defence mechanism.

It's easy for me to say this from where I am now in my healing journey, but I share this with you in the spirit of hope that you can lower any expectations you may have of your family, and remain focused on your own journey of healing from the abuse that you have suffered.  After all, you have succeeded where they haven't.  You've overcome the defence mechanism of denial and accepted in your own mind that you were abused.  How many others in your family have also been abused but are afraid to face up to it.  I know that it wasn't just me that was abused in my family.  But while they remain stuck in denial, I know that I can't have anything resembling a meaningful conversation with them.

So I remain patient.  I continue on my journey.  And I hope that one day, either in this life or the next, we have the opportunity to connect authentically and forgive one another.

I wish you well on your journey.

[Lnalac]

/start rant

I made the mistake of engaging with my aunt today. The pattern of her behaviour has been going something like this.

*Mom dies* she immediately says “I’m sorry she died but everyone thinks you’re a very angry person. Even (redacted) thinks you’re angry.”

Me: I don’t even know who (redacted) is. I’m a human being.  I have many feelings. I’m not even angry right now. Anger is normal part of grief.

Her: well everyone thinks you’re angry. You can’t go to her cremation. Her partner loved her very much. You might say something upsetting. You probably shouldn’t go.

Me: well I do want to go to her cremation. She’s my mother.

*My brother stonewalls me and blocks me from attending the cremation. My brother Refuses communication.*

Aunt: oh [redacted] said you were invited to the cremation after all. I said he had to call you directly. It’s not my problem.

Me: why are you telling me this after it’s over? Why are you handing complete control over to my brother (my abuser)?

Aunt: he said that you said you were angry at your mom a while ago. We were so concerned you might say something. I’m very sorry. It was a necessary evil. We had to do it.

Me: what would have done cry? Get anxious? Leave early? That’s my literal pattern at funerals.

Me: you’re so concerned about my behaviour yet you let my brother, with an established criminal history (with organized crime and domestic violence), complete control. But I’m the dangerous one. Right…..

Aunt: well we’re not judging you for what you and your brother did in the past.

Me: how about you stop labeling me and acting like you’re gossiping with everyone about any mood I’ve had. Give me space. Let me grieve.

I’m very sorry. I will talk to my therapist at length about this.

*Aunt and brother cut me off and isolate me during Christmas and my birthday *

Aunt: Don’t drag me into your drama.  I didn’t say that. I never even spoke to [redacted] for 6 years. Many people have been giving me feedback on your mom.  This is all in your head. There is no conspiracy against you. I have been nothing but kind to you. Don’t drag me and [another family member who has no involvement] into your drama.

Me: no no no. You said what you said for a reason. It wasn’t an accident. So now you haven’t talked to [redacted] in 6 years but his opinions of me are suddenly very important in labeling my moods.  You still said crappy things to me when she died.

I never mentioned dragging anyone else into this.

Just apologize: Don’t  explain it like you’re perfectly innocent; it’s disingenuous and comes across like you’re gaslighting me.

Aunt: WHAT THE FUCK!!! You need help. Here you go causing drama again. I’m not your mother or your brother. I’m not your aunt anymore

Me: don’t say and do things that raise issues  then. I’m sorry it’s come to this. I’m not sorry I grew a spine.

/End vent. 

I’m so sorry if this offends anyone. I’m so confused. And I’m just tired. I’m not even angry. I feel viewed like a literal doormat in my family. I feel they literally pick the worst times to literally say and do the worst stuff to me. And when I hold them accountable even reasonably suddenly I’m angry or mentally unfit.  I’m literally ready to colour my hair, change my name and move far, far away.

For clarity [redacted] is one person. She’s acted like she had recent conversations with this person who is a total stranger to me, and then tells me she hadn’t talked to him 6 years

[Lnalac]

She told me that she doesn’t buy my sorrow when I mention the abuse and that’s why I’m an angry person and deserve to be treated badly.

She accused me of other nonsense, claiming I threatened to disown her if she gave out my contact information to my mother. I have no recollection of ever saying anything like that.

She said I was terrible for saying I hated my mother once.

I think I was describing abuse to her.

Lady is another version of my mother I think.

She sent a bunch of emails essentially saying I don’t deserve the empathy or to be believed.

I responded kindly in one email and she started accusing me of being psychotic and said I was harassing her.

I learned my lesson that psycho is permanently blocked.

[Big Bear]

Dear Lnalac,

I am so sorry for what you experienced at the hands of your mother and brother.  No one should ever be treated the way your family treated you.  What they did was wrong.  There is no excuse, no justification, it was simply wrong.     What you went through was real, and the feelings you have about that are real too.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I would imagine that the pain is deep, wounds like that don't heal overnight.  For what it's worth, I do believe that you deserve empathy.  We all need someone who can acknowledge our experience. 

And if your past experience wasn't enough, someone connected to your family story is so deep in the FOG (fear, guilt, obligation), that she is unable or unwilling to see the truth of what happened.  Attempting to reach out to your aunt was a natural reaction to your experience.  In fact, if anyone could understand, certainly she could.  She knew your family members, she saw how they interacted.  Why couldn't she accept her sister for who she really was?  Why couldn't she accept reality?  She was lost in the FOG: years and years of FOG, layer upon layer of deception.  She looked the other way for so long, that those disordered thought patterns had become deeply entrenched.

If someone responded to me the way your aunt did, I would be deeply hurt.  She was so close to your family, how could she not see the truth?  She can't, she won't, she refuses to accept reality and the gut-wrenching conclusions that would stem from that.  She is lost in the FOG.  I am sorry to say, but I see little hope for her.   

But there is hope for you.  You could have stayed in denial; many do, for years and even decades.  Yet, you have the courage to face the truth.  You are brave.  You may not feel this way, but you are.  That's the truth.  Acknowledging the reality of abuse is the first step in the healing process.  I see hope for you.  You have been created to be a person who is worthy of respect and healing.   

I hope all the best for you in your healing journey.   

Sincerely,
Big Bear

[Lnalac]

Big Bear,

Thank you for validating me.  I think what infuriates me is she chose the death of my mother. So instead of being quiet and just letting things happen people are running to control me, to make sure I don't "act out."

Yet it feels like they just have cognitive dissonance and are projecting the disgust for what happened to onto me, instead of making it fair for everyone.