The mother was the biggest Abuser.

[shogun]

uBPD mother that is.

I've thought a lot about it all and after clearing way off of other family members who reveled in her assaults to enable themselves too, I've realized she was the main abuser tearing boundaries and defenses down.

My family - I hate to call them that - was basically full of abusers of 1 type of another but due to either the dynamic or just lack opportunities they weren't in a position to inflict any severe damage, but the mother was abusing me before I was even able to get Angry back and at such early years that I could only be afraid. I think this is what it all traces back too, the original wound as you could call it.

Now the question remains how to rid myself of her energy for good, I've managed to identify and remove a lot of the effects of abusers that came as a result of her, but she seems like the hardest one for me to deal with, not because of her malignant capacity, I think the uNPD sibling was far worse but being a sibling I could fight back or scare off, but the mother is hard to handle because I depended on her for survival.

And more than that me being a feeling type and with 100% empathy, it's hard to deal with the BPD since NPDs straight up are psychopaths but BPDs are as I've read in 'Understanding the borderline mother' - 'Adults with a toddler at emotional helm', it's not that I'm emphatic but the way my mind works it's hard to create that conviction of separation. I wish there was just a thing that clicks and I could use that logic to work every experience of her out. But it's just so hard for me to hate? or rather emotionally hate? even if I simply consciously use it as a mechanism to trick myself into forging distance.

IDK, this is more me describing current state than anything, and I know the post itself too has flaws in that it's not clear of trauma or that I didn't separate the healthy part enough from the suffering part which may make it not fun to read for those who could see it, but it's only what I'm feeling- which is not all nice of course, for the moment.

Edit: I should mention, I was the scapegoat.

[notrightinthehead]

Mothers are more often abusive than is commonly known.  Not all of us have been lucky enough to have caring and supportive mothers. I am sorry you had a crappy childhood. And that there's nothing you can do to change that. The good news is, you don't need to let the trauma you experienced in childhood determine your future. You can see what was and work on a better future for yourself.

[Leonor]

Hello Shogun,

I'm sorry you're in such pain. I'm sorry that you didn't receive the love and care that all children deserve from their mother.

It sounds to me from your post that there are many feelings coming up for you as you allow the reality of your experience with your mother to come up. Anger. Confusion. Frustration. Shock. Deep, deep sadness. Guilt.

And part of your pain, as I read your post, is feeling caught up in all those feelings. To find one, "right" way to feel about all this. Or at least one way to feel and at least be done with it.

In my own experience, I wanted that too. If I was angry, I could then go yell in the woods and be done with it. If I was sad, I could cry about it and be done with it. And if I was feeling empathy, even love, then I could feel at peace and even get some kind of medal of healing for being so healed and enlightened.

But it wasn't really feeling. It wasn't healing. It was just me wanting to deny my real experience and not allow the full range of my feelings and just "get over it and move on." Gee, that sounds a lot like the messages I got from my family growing up!

Mother healing is complicated. Not just because society glorifies mothers or because they're authority figures or whatever. That's true, but it doesn't take onto account that deep, primal, umbilical connection that mothers and children have. It doesn't take onto account the raw, natural, biological and genetic tendrils that weave through mother and child. And it doesn't take into account the psychological survival machinations that allow vulnerable humanlings to live past birth by latching  into their mother's psyche.

In other words, grief is messy. Healing is messy. There's no one way to feel, no right way to feel, no permanent way to feel. Healing is not getting over or through or around anything. It's about acceptance and awareness and compassion for yourself through all of it.

As the realizations come up, allow them. Sit with them. Feel the feelings. Breathe. Then go walk outside or stand in the rain or put your hands in the soil or anywhere natural and physical and present to bring yourself to the present moment: yes that happened. Yes it makes me feel all kinds of things. And yes I am here now.

Mother healing is hard. Do you have a therapist skilled in family of origin trauma? Sometimes it's nice to have a safe space for these awarenesses to come up and a sounding board when they do ... As well as a boundaried time to allow you to move without getting overwhelmed. You are not alone, not anymore, and you deserve support.

[NarcKiddo]

You depended on her for survival and you created coping methods to enable you to survive.

But you don't depend on her for survival now. Please keep that in mind.

And consider the fact that the coping methods you cleverly learned as a child to keep you safe were good for you then. But they are not necessary for you now and they are probably unhelpful or even damaging to you. When you find yourself emotionally reacting try to think about that reaction and where it is coming from. It is quite possible that it is born of an old coping mechanism that you no longer need.

Finally, bear in mind that you may need to hate her or be angry at times as you work through this. But ultimately protecting and nurturing yourself does not require hatred of anyone.

I think therapy would help you if you are able to access it.

I have read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" and while I found it useful I also found it a difficult read and it made me anxious about some things, not least that I might be borderline in some way myself. My therapist had to talk me down from that. One book I have found helpful is "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. It was recommended to me by my therapist as one of the better self help books. There are exercises to work through. For me what was particularly good was that there are sections which allow you to consider your negative feelings about your treatment as well as sections which gently allow you to find ways of managing your relationship and help you to see that you don't actually need to hate someone in order to construct adequate and effective protection from them.

I wish you all the best.

[Srcyu]

Hi,
The Mother Wound, I think they call it. Mine was also inflicted at a very young age. The people I had to grow up with, is how I describe my family of origin.

The 'click' you are searching for in order to distance yourself from her emotionally is often found during the final straw episode. Often, a single event between the scapegoat and the bpd mother can make the whole charade come crashing down. Then the  necessary distance is made, as the biggest action of self protection we are ever likely to make takes place.

An interesting thing I discovered recently is that I was not just the scapegoat, I was also the lost/ignored child. Birth order plays a very large part in it. It does take time, but every 'a-ha' moment is so clarifying and worth it.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Someone once told me that the only way they could understand my parents is to take the most logical thing and twist it until it sounds like the most illogical thing, and that after doing that, they could predict what happened before I even told them.

I think that we have to remember that we can love the person as a human being (or maybe even a biological family member), but "hate" their actions and abuse. The fact that we want to love them shows our innate goodness...a goodness that, for them, they let evil overtake.

Watch the Law & Order: SVU episode titled Intoxicated, from earlier seasons; it's all about an abusive mother. In the episode, there is a quote that goes straight to my soul: "Because then the abuse becomes real; if you keep quiet, you can pretend that it's not."

To me, even if we recognize the abuse, and even if some of our friends know about it, there still can be that part of us that wants to react in a way as if the abuse isn't real -- that wants to pretend "I'm not a victim of abuse" when around certain people, because we know they won't believe us and/or we just want to feel "normal". We may have the most "normal" day we can, trying to pretend that things are ok, because that day was the lesser evil of the days in that week...but then those other days happen and remind us that, once we've recognized the abuse for what it is, we can pretend all we want in public or around certain people, but our heart knows the truth....and maybe, deep down, behind walls and denials and daydreams, it always did.

With age, I finally learned that it's "ok" to accept that you're a victim or survivor of abuse, because not only does it mean you recognize what's going on, instead of only believing lies, but that awareness is essential to the path of true vision (of yourself, situations, etc.)/understanding of life experiences, growth, and healing.

Just remember that abuse is not love; if someone is abusive, they are choosing to not show love. This world has free will, and unfortunately, many have taken that opportunity to choose evil actions instead of good ones. An abuser can have the worst childhood, but no bad thing they experienced takes away the fact that love is the most innate action...even victims of Stockholm syndrome don't walk out into the world after being rescued and beat somebody over the head because they think it's the right thing to do. Children who are abused still know how, and choose, to show love, even if all they've ever known is abuse, so adults or parents have no excuse or justification of abuse, despite any negative past. A parent is supposed to love; if they don't, it's their choice...and their loss.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails...

1st Corinthians 13 (NIV)