Silently Reading.

[exjxhtml]

Since my first post in  The Welcome Mat, I've continued reading the previously mentioned book and skimming several posts throughout the forum. (Not quite ready to give any input, but I enjoy seeing others dealing with the same things as I have been and am.)
I feel like I have had a mild step forward and I want to celebrate it.

Tonight, my fiance who I've dubbed Berry for this forum, and I was cleaning. Cleaning is always a very tense and triggering thing for me. My mother was anal about cleaning, and angry.. always very angry.
I assume my mother was so focused on cleaning in a specific way due to her several untreated mental illnesses but, sometimes I wonder if she just enjoyed finding reasons to be angry at me.
  I like to pretend cleaning is enjoyable but honestly, I just find it paralyzing if I don't have a clean house at the beginning of and end of the day.
Anyway, there were several times when I caught myself getting really worked up and angry over really silly things. Things I can't even recall as I write this, but that alone should tell you how ridiculous they were.

But, for some reason, I was able to take those extra five seconds that my brain doesn't usually allow me, to breathe and regroup, remind myself that the emotions and the reaction I wanted to have weren't warranted by the situations. Since my last post, I've spent a lot of time when things aren't tense when I know I'm not feeling triggered, reminding myself how much of an impact Berry has had on my life, and how far they've helped me come in my journey of healing. It's seemingly made it easier to remember those things when I'm triggered, now. It makes me feel thankful and reminds me that I love them and they love me, even when I'm in those episodes.

I often feel discouraged when I have major setbacks in my healing and taking control of my emotions so I think its important for me to take space with these victories even if they're small and even if they don't happen the very next time.
Thanks for reading.
exjx

[bloomie]

exjxhtml - what a great update! You are making important connections between your childhood experiences and your present day reality where you are safe and loved. Celebrating this victory with you!!!

[Jolie40]

  I like to pretend cleaning is enjoyable but honestly, I just find it paralyzing if I don't have a clean house at the beginning of and end of the day.

if I were you, try to loosen up your standards & give yourself a break

here at the house, none of us have the energy or time to "clean" house
we each do our own laundry & dishes get done but anything else......not so much

we're the people who fix up the house just before company comes, lol
has the kitchen floor been cleaned OR rugs vacuumed lately here.....ummm no

[exjxhtml]

if I were you, try to loosen up your standards & give yourself a break

[/quote]

I try too, it's getting easier. Today, Berry and I went shopping for some things for the upcoming Wedding and then to dinner, we didn't clean before leaving and we've been back for several hours without me feeling the overwhelming urge to make things nice and neat.  I used to be a lot worse. When I first moved away from home I couldn't even sit dirty dishes in the sink for five minutes. Its odd to think that it used to be like that and now there's a sink full of dishes and I'm relaxing at my desk writing this.