Hello one and all- New and nervous

[Ottile]

I have been lurking here for a week, taking it all in, glad that I am not alone. I find the forum helpful and uplifting but it truly saddens me how our families and by extension, cause so much hurt and pain, exposing themselves for their vicious cruel behaviours.

My M died last Monday. I feel no sadness but I am today in a state of sheer anger which I am taking out on myself mentally, not physically.

Brief back story: I was born wrong side of the blanket in late 50s,my M bringing shame to the family. I have no idea how she met my SF who she married when I was 2 and they moved to another continent. I believe she became a N as she had been redeemed with no past trailing behind her. I have 3 step siblings - we are all mentally damaged by verbal and physical cruelty,mostly at SF hands but M was happy to join in if necessary. SF took a sexual interest in me no doubt my being fair game as not being a blood relation. He was a vile vicious sadistic brute who inflicted even more punishment if you cried with pain and M had the attitude "deal with it - none of you require hospitalisation".

I left, married, had a daughter and maintained vlc with both of them on a polite basis. I certainly couldn't bring myself to ever them being alone with my child. Moving on, I had a bad trigger moment some 20 years ago involving something entirely unrelated which resulted in an in patient stay in a MH unit on and off for 2 years, therapy and meds. Unfortunately no doubt thanks to my losing the plot I told the parents some very harsh truths, standing up for the siblings too. They of course denied it and said therapy had caused me to be cruel and unkind. My SF said me and my daughter were dead to him so NC it was. M played the victim.

My siblings stayed on side with the parents as after all more cash for them with me being disinherited for daring to call the behaviour out. The family mantra seems to be 'you dance with the devil or don't dance at all'  It has been hard, I really miss my brothers. One of them unfortunately had a later life changing event and is severely disabled with no communication skills, merely grunts. The other brother and I reconnected some 5 years ago over this and he admitted he knew I was the SG in their scam marriage on the blame game whilst he was the GC and still is/was.  Now he has turned on  me as if taking up the mantle of being vicious towards me when he told me she had died (SF died in 2012, M wailing about the love of her life, the  impact on her, all me, me me victimhood), him gloating about my being disinherited not once but twice.  I am so angry with him and have not spoken to him since her death. I feel nothing re my M dying. Good riddance.

I am interested in your thoughts please.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

What a very sad story. I am not at all surprised at the anger you feel. You need to process the anger, of course, but you say you are taking it out on yourself. I hope you don't mean that in the way I am interpreting it. You are not to blame for any of this mess and while you need to deal with the anger, turning against yourself will not help you. You need to be kind to yourself - goodness knows it seems none of your FOO has been.

You say you married and had a daughter but don't mention your current relationships now. Are they good and supportive? I do hope so.

Sending you every good wish as you work through this.

[Srcyu]

Hi, I'm responding because I too was born in the late 50s and I can well understand the social stigma attached to an unwed pregnancy during those times. People were mainly dirt poor but liked to claim that they were never less respectable, at least on the surface.
Again, we are similar because I too felt nothing at all when my so-called mother died. As you said, good riddance.

The GC sibling does pick up the mantle of abuse imo. Everything that was swept under the carpet is exposed once the parents are gone. The dynamics put in place by them  remain. That brother is really not worthy of any attention. Let him slide back under the nearest rock.

Anger can be rocket fuel that propels us away from negative vibes. Be good to yourself, you deserve it.

[Ottile]

Thank you for taking the time to respond Narckiddo and Windmill - I really appreciate it.

I am 'harming' myself mentally, not physically- my mind just will not settle to process the ongoing anger and betrayal let alone the gloating. I am not blaming myself but I am struggling with truly nasty memories.  My siblings did not like my M as she was so vitriolic, nasty and negative with selective memories and her own victimhood.
Here are examples of her own behavior: when my bro became disabled it was all about how she would cope despite him having a partner and does not visit him; she doesn't "understand" why one of the GC's sons has a male partner which is absolute nonsense; when M's best friend's daughter sadly died of cancer all she did was gnash and wail that no-one appreciated how it affected her and no-one asked if she was OK.  I just don't understand how everything she is connected to she circles back to herself.

My other half isn't very empathic tbh, he lives in his own world and can't be bothered with any and all upset no matter who it is. It's just the way he is. He is harmless and has never been abusive to me or his child.  My daughter is my soul mate- she has had no desire to see the grandparents.  When SF died my M sent her a letter basically threatening to withhold the inheritance SF left for her. We both knew she could not do that! The solicitor sent on her money of course.

My daughter is a high ranking police officer and has a 4 year old my M has never met. I knew she was in a meeting and texted to say M had died. Her boss kept insisting she go home and she eventually lost it and shouted "I don't care that she's dead, just my poor mum"  We both laughed when she told me this. Harsh but fair!

My M once said to be "I wish I'd got rid of you"  I replied "I wish you had too"

With the bro I really struggle as I don't want to live in fear all over again of verbal rantings from him.  At Christmas he was ok and concerned I had been very ill but now this?? I am 100per cent convinced that when the estate is settled the sibling family will break up once and for all as nothing held them together except the divide and conquer and money.

I do feel awkward in part reaching out here and unloading on you all and apologise in advance if I sound deranged.....it's early days and so much to process. All I seem to do to cope is go out with the dog endlessly and weep a little for myself - thankfully I live rural so nobody notices my tears or angry face and no explanations necessary.  I am somewhat ashamed to admit to being selfishly indulgent crying for myselfN but these are reasons/my own responses that I beat myself up about. Tomorrow I may just stand in the middle of the fields where only the sheep will hear me scream.