Oh great, another card after 6 months of silence

[T-dog]

I was reading Moglow's thread just now and really wish I was at the stage where I felt nothing about a card. I have a significant birthday coming up and have both been dreading contact from my uNPDm but also wanting to have some kind of contact so that I know I haven't been forgotten/discarded. Now I'm starting to think that I would prefer full NC as this feels too hard at the moment.

I received a birthday card, with a cheque in it. It feels a little like being 10 again and getting money in the post from my elderly grandmother. But when it's from my mother it feels like an empty gesture-and I don't want her money, I simply want an acknowledgment that what she said and did wasn't ok (an apology would be better but I know better than to expect that from her).

I considered sending the whole card back, unopened but I was curious to see what BS was contained within: fluffy words about how I'm ALWAYS in her thought and she wishes the best etc. I don't think I'll cash the cheque, I'm not sure I want to acknowledge another card that's full of sweet words on the inside but is essentially another omission of responsibility for her own words and actions. It also feels a lot like she realises she cannot have a conversation over the phone without flying into a rage so resorts to writing cards, it's like dealing with two different people and, between them, they leave me confused, sad and angry.

[moglow]

Tdog, I feel ya, got plenty of those back in the day myself. I had a milestone bday myself last year, no card or call but a text followed by one of her baseless meltdowns and accusation fests when I didn't respond as expected (whatever that was because you know, mind reading requirements). I understand my birthday had the audacity to fall at the wrong spot on her inner tilt-a-whirl carnival ride, but still. She followed that up with more of her stuff the next several months, and the sponge overflowed finally. You know how a sponge takes on water and takes it and expands again for more until suddenly it can't anymore? That was me. All those decades later and there it was.

Fact is, they're doomed if they do, doomed if they don't at this point. Once we hit the dread of upcoming occasion and wth are they pulling out this time, there's not a right response. It's all empty.

Here's my suggestion - you do you, whatever feels right for you. Maybe trash the card and check in nearest dumpster, be the polite person I suspect you are and call/text to let her know you got it. And let it go. Go about your day, spend it doing what's good for you whether on your own or with friends. For her birthday reverse the process - let go of expectations, do what feels right for you. You're the one you have to live with.

Like you, I can't imagine true acknowledgment much less apology for the hell life with her has been. Even more telling, I cant see where it would change anything for me if she did. Shutting her out of my internal life hasn't been easy but it's immeasurably better than the past. *I'm better.*


And... Happy birthday!! Make it a great year!

[T-dog]

Thanks Moglow. I had a passable birthday in the end. Had some bad news so that put a dampener on things but it was good to have an excuse to see some friends and family.

I keep getting these intense, I don't know what to call it other than visions, of my mum old and alone and feeling so bad for her. I think in her mind she's being kind and gentle to me by not making more contact. And, compared to how she treats my brothers, she is being more gentle. It's kind of you to assume that I would thank her for the card, I haven't and I don't really want to. I resent having to be the one to make that contact and fear it would be seen as me saying it's all fine and she can continue to make zero effort or go back to dumping all her emotional stuff on me again. On the other hand I think her cards are intended as peace offerings even if they totally miss the mark, she has so far proven that she won't say or do anything weird in writing.

It's her birthday next week and I'm facing the same dilemma about making contact. I really struggle with inauthentic sentiment so I don't want to say something that I don't genuinely feel. I guess sending a card saying simply 'happy birthday, from Tdog' might be fine, and maybe I'm massively overthinking things as usual - I can't read her mind and I think maybe my guilty feelings about how things are between us may be relieved slightly by reaching out.

[moglow]

Brother, I understand completely. I tend to err on the side of caution with mine, so mother can't fling her crap in my face later [which of course she did anyway]. I feel sorry for her, being old and sick and alone but you know what? She built that monster herself - she built THIS one too, truth be told. She bled me dry of all but the most basic courtesies I'd give anyone on the street, so she gets that and may she find joy in it. Not my stuff what she does with it - all those years I tried so damned hard and there was no appreciation for anything. Now she gets what she gets and I keep my sympathies to myself. Not trying to be hard hearted Hannah, but I'm tired of it all.


Remember things between you didn't get that way in a vacuum - she's the parent and had decades to change the way she treats you/your siblings, like mine. That she can't or won't face it, acknowledge it and make any real effort at changing is on her. You can only do what feels best for you. You know that drill - no matter what it is, she may pick it apart anyway so you do you without doubt or apology!