She showed up at the door. Any advice?

[foobarred]

Well, the saga continues - she showed up on my doorstep last Saturday. Knocking woke me up, go to answer the door, and there she is, in all her glory, with a smugly smiling attendant in tow. Damn near had a heart attack.

So I let her in, left the attendant to wait outside in the car, and sat down and listened. She doesn't like how her POA (that *she* picked) is handling her money ("my January rent wasn't paid!"), she thinks her new nursing home (that *she* picked) is spying on her ("Maybe they're in it together!"). She has atrial fibrillation now ("and my face was blue and everybody was standing around my bed and agreed that I looked like I was dyyyyiiing!"). And oh, it's tax time, will you do my taxes...

I grey rocked like mad, agreed to nothing, refused to discuss why I went NC ("I only ever gave you everything you ever wanted! Sniff, sniff"), and finally interrupted the litany by getting her address and promising to write a letter. Then I hustled her out of the house.

But I *knew*, in my bones, it wasn't over (because it never is, with her). Sure enough, five minutes later, there she is, sitting in the parking lot on her walker, an empty space where the attendant used to be. Where's your driver? Vague look (her specialty when she doesn't want to answer a question) and a "no idea".

I panicked. I thought it was a setup, that her NH had evicted her for being a c*nt or for non-payment of rent and had dumped her on my doorstep for me to take care of. I brought her in the apartment, looked all over the street for her attendant - nothing. Decided no power on earth could legally insist I care for her, and that she was going back to the NH, and called a taxi. Got her out of my apt and waited with her on the street for the taxi to show up. Ten minutes later, up drives her attendant, still smiling smugly. I let her load Mom in the car and fled, but not before Mom threatened to come back "whenever she needed to".

Since then I've been racking my brains what to do. I do *not* want her showing up here whenever, I do not need my heart skipping every time s.o. knocks on my door. But I don't see how I can stop her. It's an apartment complex - she can walk in and knock on anyone's door she wants to. I thought about a video doorbell, so I could at least see outside and pretend not to be home. But I'm disabled - she knows damn well I hardly ever leave the house, what if she camps here? Or keeps banging? Or talks to the office? Got to talk to the office, let them know to not let her in under any conditions.

I thought maybe I visit her, try to pre-empt her coming here. But that's appeasement. I spent 50+ years appeasing PDs, trying to squeeze my life around the edges of their dysfunction. The whole *purpose* of going NC was to win space to "re-expand", and I can't *do* that if I'm dreading her next visit or my next visit or whatever. In my book, if she's occupying space in my head, she's winning.

So how do you all handle this situation?

[square]

This is horrifying. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to make one point, and that is that you don't have to answer even if you're disabled and she "knows" you're always home.

The reason I know this is because I'm disabled and I'm always home. For a while I felt like I had to respond to my MIL's phone calls because she knows - and she's even said this - I'm usually there.

But you know what? So what? She can suspect all she wants that I'm home. I don't have to answer the damn phone.

Will she think I'm avoiding her? I dunno, so what? She worries a lot about what I owe her, doesn't mean I have to worry the same thing.

Will she think I'm a bad girl, and ungrateful? That ship has sailed and nothing I could do satisfied her anyway.

So what if you're home. If you're called to the mat about it, just shrug and say you apparently didn't hear her, you've been in the habit of laying down here and there during the day. Will she think you're lying? Well, let her wonder.

It's unconsciably rude to barge in on people, you don't need to worry about whether such a rude person thinks you're rude.

Look, I know it's much more complex with a mother than a MIL, but I just wrote this out for you to chew on. It is possible, humans have done it before, to shake off the mindset that you have to be at her service. Your home is your castle.

[Cat of the Canals]

I thought maybe I visit her, try to pre-empt her coming here. But that's appeasement.

It's appeasement, and in my experience, it also doesn't work. We tried many times to subvert an unscheduled visit from my PDmil by going to her house for dinner. We figured we'd gotten the visit out of the way, right? Yeah, that's not how it works in the PD's head, because more often than not, PDmil would simply show up or invite herself to our home a few days later.

I've realized there's a simple mathematical formula to figure out what a PD believes they are entitled to: y = x + 1

(what they are entitled to) = (what you give them) + 1

There is no sating their appetite, because they believe they are always entitled to more. You visiting her would simply be a cherry on top of the sundae that is her believing she can already drop in on you at any time.

Right now, she is like a rat in an operant conditioning experiment. She shows up at your door, rings the bell, and you answer. It's like giving her a treat for her bad behavior! The absolute best way you can get her to stop showing up unannounced is going to be to stop giving her a reward for doing so. That means not answering the door or giving any indication that you are home/available. (And like square said -- who cares if she "knows" you're home? She's not entitled to your time simply because you're "available.")

I love the idea of getting a doorbell camera and warning the office that she is not allowed in. Also a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones to put on if she does come a-knocking. And then you tune out and completely ignore her. If she wants to bang on the door or bug the neighbors or sit out there for an hour, that's on her. Let her waste her time. The more bored she gets, the more uncomfortable she is sitting on the steps waiting, the better. It will probably take several rounds of this to get her to stop, but eventually she will get the picture that showing up unannounced does NOT get her a reward.

[foobarred]

I just wanted to make one point, and that is that you don't have to answer even if you're disabled and she "knows" you're always home.
The reason I know this is because I'm disabled and I'm always home.

Thank you, Square, for giving me permission to just *not answer the door*. Disability adds another wrinkle to the whole PD thing, and my parents have guilted me for years that since I can't work, I'm obligated to make myself "useful". Which I wouldn't mind doing, if they hadn't been so abusive and unappreciative.

It's appeasement, and in my experience, it also doesn't work.

Good to know. So that's out, then.

I've realized there's a simple mathematical formula to figure out what a PD believes they are entitled to: y = x + 1
(what they are entitled to) = (what you give them) + 1

I laughed at that way more than I should have. I used to tutor high schoolers in math, and seeing "PD-ness" reduced to an equation cracked me up. Also the idea of operant conditioning, and my mother as a rat. 

So current plan: get a video doorbell and a good pair of ear muffs. Already contacted the apartment office - they're sending me a form to fill out. Will write PDMom a brief letter explaining that I will not be available for future visits, and why.

Ugh. A whole lot of time and energy, down the tubes. PDs are the gift that keep on giving.

[moglow]

Foobarred, my first thought was say nothing and don't feed it. Absolutely pretend you're not there should she show back up - you're under no obligation to open your door to her or anyone else should you so choose. She can't sit out there forever and NH staff wouldn't allow it for her own well being.

You have to decide what you want [your boundaries] then how to enforce them. She doesn't have to respect anything and is likely going to do what she wants regardless, so it would be up to you to keep that door closed to her and tune her out. It's a continuing act of will on your part until you reach that magic sweet spot where thoughts of her don't tear you apart. At that point you may decide to visit or make contact with her, and you might even be able to have some surface relationship that pacifies her and doesn't wreck you. Or you may decide not. You get to decide.


So letter or no letter? I said no, then said no again, then .... why not? I don't mean a long meandering letter where you pour your heart out only to have it stomped flat, or one where you beg her forgiveness. Why not short and semi-sweet:

Mother. When I was advised that you'd moved to some unknown place and changed POA, I took that as clear indicators you wanted me out of your life. Much as it pained me, I took you at your word and have been trying to make peace with your decision.

Now please accept mine: I'm asking to be left alone until [your chosen timeframe here]. Hopefully by that time I should be better able to communicate with you and find some peace between us. I'm tired of the chaos and drama and neither of us can heal while it continues.
[OR I'm not interested in any further contact with you. Please respect my wishes and leave me be. I can't do this with you anymore.]
Foobarred


Boom. You've told her. Keep a copy so you can present it to whoever brings her next time, because there will likely be one at some point. But no, you don't have to answer the door, answer her calls or anything else. Don't do this as throwing down some kind of gauntlet and watching for her reaction. Do what you need to find peace for yourself.

[foobarred]

Dang, Moglow, you just saved me a ton of work and agonizing. I'm lifting parts of your letter verbatim. Saved me from making a tactical error, too, b/c I had planned to write s.t. much longer and more revealing (and therefore more rewarding for her).

I think I'll leave the door cracked open, and allow communication via writing. I'll probably regret that decision later, but I feel I can do a much better job of enforcing boundaries if I know there's a gate she can use. If she chooses not to use it, well, that's on her, and I'll feel justified in going  if she knocks or calls.

[moglow]

I learned the hard way with mine, anything I say can and will be used against me. So I don't share my private self anymore. Mother she may be, she's shown me who she is and I can't unsee it now.

You have to take care of yourself first. Tell her she can write and understand going in that she may do everything but. Either dont answer her calls or be prepared to block her number, communicate strictly in writing. You already know that given opportunity she will show up uninvited, expecting a welcome. Work through various scenarios in your mind so you know what to do when the time comes.

LIVE your boundaries, and don't be upset when she tries to trample them. That's who she is.

[JollyJazz]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hear you. The unwanted visit is a very common PD tactic!

We also have to struggle with that obligation thing, fear, guilt.

I think your feelings about what you'd really like are a good guide!

It's definitely a-okay to keep your door locked and not answer the door. You could be busy... Watching a movie, having a shower etc. I know you don't need an excuse, but you know what I mean! 

And yes... No harm in telling the apartment people not to let her in. I promise they will have other arrangements like that with other people.

The door cameras etc. Are a brilliant idea. Could you brainstorm other things to keep yourself feeling safe?

There's also the option of a restraining order etc. I know that sounds a lot, but I promise you, you arent alone, you have options, you don't have to endure this...

Anyway, thank for posting! I hope you can get in some good self care after this episode, please keep healing and try your best to be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong! Best wishes! 

[foobarred]

Thanks for the encouragement, JollyJazz.  Needed it, b/c sent the letter today.  Lifted Moglow's 1st para almost in entirety, and modified 2nd to give her the option of writing to me. Didn't even agonize over it much, just had a "get it over with" mentality.

Grieving quietly all day. I loved her once. It's a sad thing to learn that love can die.

[moglow]

Foobarred, I've about come to the conclusion that some people we can love on one level (as in not wishing them any ill will or pain, wanting whatever is best for them with no reservations) but still not really like them very much.

I think I loved a lie all my life. I have no idea who my mother is, not deep inside where it counts - nor does she know or love me. I'm not sure she ever had it in her to give.