The timing was necessary

[Pepin]

The timing of CN MIL's death couldn't have come at a *better* time.  And while this sounds terrible on my end to have hoped to someday have her absent from our lives, it was necessary.  DH and I were already heading in a downward spiral.  Things between us were not really improving.  We were barely communicating with each other.  His free time was spent with her rather than his family.  My children and I already had boundaries in place and were not willing to spend all our free time with her.  We already knew exactly what she would do in our presence and had enough.  DH could go visit with her and attend to whatever she demanded without us.  And yes, it pains me greatly that I was unable to walk beside him while he dealt with her.  I just couldn't be the buffer anymore when I realized how abusive she really was.

Sadly, I can look back and see that many years of our marriage have been washed away.  The bond I have with our children is strong...and I am working to make my bond with DH stronger.  There literally isn't anything that I can think of that doesn't cause me to start crying.  I am completely emotional about everything.  We have had a few productive conversations where I have really had to hold my ground firmly and defend myself for what I did while she was alive.  And that has been incredibly painful.  He is caught up in thinking that I behaved from a place of revenge, when in actuality, I was stepping back and focusing on myself to survive. I just couldn't play the games CN MIL wanted me to play anymore.

To my core, I believe that it was CN MIL's intent to isolate DH from me and also our children.  She was able to achieve this largely through certain damaging cultural practices and helplessness.  The few decades that I knew her, was a display of what I can only describe as the rewinding of maturity.  Prior to her death, she was nothing more than a toddler.  There was no grace or wisdom imparted with her exit. 

The next phase of my life is on high alert, moving faster than I can process.  We are due to become empty nesters and I find myself clawing at formulating some sort of plan with the time I have left with DH.  And this has been a hard shift in gears -- considering that I was ready to go my own way without him.  Since CN MIL was incapable of change, it meant I had to change and the only way to do that would be to leave my marriage.  Now that CN MIL has left our lives, I am scared to quit my marriage even though the door is literally open for me to fly away.  Our youngest is no longer a minor and therefore no other adult family member has any claim over her interests.

There is a lot of pain to work through.  And there is a lot of confusion to sort through.  I am still hoping over time that DH can understand the stance I was forced into living while CN MIL was alive.  It effectively will require him to reexamine what he believed was right and that in turn would mean rewriting his story about CN MIL.  He tried hard to protect her and in the end, it didn't work out for anyone in our family or the extended family.  It's just a mess and I doubt certain family members will ever communicate with each other ever again.  While all of this is water under the bridge, I know at some point that bridge will collapse unless DH can rebuild it by understanding the destruction that caused it.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry, Pepin.  It sounds like there's so much grief there.  I don't blame you for feeling teary every day.  When I'm like that my trauma T says "go ahead and cry every day you feel like it. It's healing."  I hope you're not getting flack from anyone (or yourself) about the tears.  There's a lot of loss in your past and with the shift that comes with the death of MIL, it's a natural time for that to catch up to you.  Maybe some anticipatory grief, too, if this can't get worked out with DH.

I'm sorry his words are putting you on the defensive.  I guess he's angry ... some of that may just be from the grief.  It's a confusing time after a parent dies..  It would be so helpful to him, as well as everyone else, to not have an adversarial position with you.  I'm sure you've tried to tell him what you told us ... that it pains you greatly to have been unable to walk beside him while he dealt with her.

Maybe he doesn't have to get to the place of seeing things the way you do.  Maybe he just needs to see that you were coming from a place of doing what you felt was right and necessary, even if he doesn't believe it was.  And that having a close, loving, supportive relationship with him during those years was truly important to you, even if it didn't get accomplished. 

I wish you and your family healing.

Free