Epic multiple family member DARVO!

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Well... I am now getting blamed etc. by my PD parents... Accused of stuff I didn't do... after my brother was violent (attacking the locked door of the restroom I was in) in December and showing up outside last week.

I guess what's good about this, is that I've been going through a lot of 'overcoming scapegoating ' type resources.

Quick background - I live in another city to my hometown. Every few months I travel back to visit friends and previously at least, family. While I am there I usually stay at my parents house. My brother (47) has been living with them for 2.5 years (to date) and is usually nasty to me/violating boundaries, going into my room etc. Last time (December) he violently attacked a door and swore at me, in the little restroom I was using (so hard it damaged the wooden fixture/lock on the door).

My parents decided the best option was that when I visit, I stay at the little cabin they own (about a 1 1/2 hr drive out of town, and very basic). My brother was told not to go there when I was there. On my most recent visit (when I was there) my brother turned up, and while he was outside, I tried contacting my parents, and not getting anywhere, called the police. They told me to stay inside, lock the doors etc. My father did eventually respond and my brother left.

Calling the police was just amazing on so many levels. Apart from the overarching practical protection from my violent brother, I also got the validation of how seriously they took it.

Meanwhile my parents have been trying to blame me, and claim that I somehow caused it! Pretty frustrating 'blame the victim' stuff!

Anyway, I'm feeling kinda philosophical. Yes, it hurts, but I feel like it's helping with clarity etc about what I've endured for so many years.

[bunnie]

I was in a similar situation over a year ago. ubpd Sis and her husband had been crazymaking for the past few years. Brother-in-law brought a released jailbird to our house to threaten and assault us.
We called the police who handled things from there. It is freeing to standup for yourself (really, what else are we to do). It is empowering. And it lets them know you won't tolerate their crap and will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

My parents did initially blame me for the incident. It's amazing the power an abuser has to confuse matters. I was shattered initially, but then realized how insane it was for them to blame me.  It's hard to argue and defend criminal behavior.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Bunnie,

Gosh, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I hope that you escaped before you could be assaulted!

I am so glad that you are okay and that you called the police!!!

Yes, it's truly bizzare for them to DARVO about these acts of violence, intimidation etc.

All the 'scapegoat abuse things I am going through are really helping me process this stuff. Thanks for your support and sharing your story as well.

It is so refreshing to talk to the police who deal with and know about offenders and their capacity for deceit etc. and see right through their nonsense (I was going to use a 'saltier' expression!!!)  lol.

[bunnie]

Fortunately my husband was home. So he was assaulted. He wasn't injured so I can lol about it. Then the guy made his way over to me and I met him halfway on my property and proceeded to shame him within an inch of his life. Interestingly, the criminal ended his friendship with brother-in-law shortly after that. Said he is trying to be a better person since being released from prison and b-i-l is not the kind of company he wants to keep.

That we've been on the receiving end of this type of violence is shocking how bad it can get. Seeing it for what it is definitely helps process the scapegoating. And as you say, it helps to have the law on our side.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Bunnie,

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to deal with that!

I hope your husband is okay now. And I'm glad that you weren't attacked either. My goodness!

Yikes, wow, your brother really sounds like a horrendous piece of work. I hope you don't mind me saying that!

I'm really glad that the law protected you, and that you are both okay now.

My goodness, thank you very much for sharing. I do think my brother is capable of anything, so I will keep safe, first and foremost.

I hope you are doing well now 

[Poison Ivy]

People with violent family members: PLEASE, stay as far away from them as possible. If that means also avoiding other family members (e.g., parents), so be it. If a parent or someone else asks for help in dealing with the violent family member, offer to call the police or get the person into treatment. But don't sacrifice yourself!

[bunnie]

Hi Bunnie,

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to deal with that!

I hope your husband is okay now. And I'm glad that you weren't attacked either. My goodness!

Yikes, wow, your brother really sounds like a horrendous piece of work. I hope you don't mind me saying that!

I'm really glad that the law protected you, and that you are both okay now.

My goodness, thank you very much for sharing. I do think my brother is capable of anything, so I will keep safe, first and foremost.

I hope you are doing well now

Thank you, JollyJazz. Yes, husband is okay. He wasn't injured, to the dismay of the assailant. Brother-in-law is a coward and troublemaker. But he is skilled at manipulating people, especially my sibling and their kids. My parents aren't fooled, however, they have had their grandchildren weaponized and fall into that trap.

PoisonIvy - I absolutely agree with you, and thank you for the warning. Brother-in-law threatened to kill my other siblings prior to coming to our house. We all had a good laugh because he is a coward through and through. However, we realize that he is manipulative, dangerous, and unhinged.  The officers who responded also told me to call 911 immediately if I ever see brother-in-law or his buddy on our road or property.