4 yrs NC + (2 yrs C) - Success Story

[Saywhat]

Hello everyone,

I was part of this forum 5 years ago. At the time I had recently gone NC with my narcissistic mother and enabling dad. My intention was to stay NC forever. I couldn't envision having a ''good'' relationship with them ever again. Good meaning putting up with their nonsense so that I could stay in touch.

I became a first time mom shortly after going NC, and the experience was beyond traumatic. Not only was it hard to have absolutely no family support during this process (my in-laws are also personality disordered), but suppressed memories from my childhood hit me with fill force during this time. At times, the CPTSD would not allow me to get out of bed, much less care for my very young son. I was an incompetent parent. I'm glad we survived that time.

To top it off: nobody in my entourage showed any understanding for my suffering. Not my friends, not even my therapist. My husband, who was also undergoing a difficult process with his own family, found it too hard to be there for me at times. People told me I should just get over it, or that I was being difficult. My therapist told me I had no right to complain, since I had chosen to go NC, not them.

Life went on, and I moved on, or tried my best to do so. We moved houses, I hired a nanny and went back to work. My little son seemed to be doing fine after that time of turmoil.

I, on the other hand, was not. My newfound stability was fragile, and symptoms of trauma assaulted me regularly and left me incapacitated to do the simplest of things. Cooking brought back memories of trauma, working  brought back memories of trauma, caring for my son was at times impossible.

COVID hit and it was both a blessing and a curse. A curse, because I had a very public meltdown which became the lowest point in my entire healing process. I was out on the street and couldn't stop crying for hours. For the first time in my life, I thought of hurting myself. My husband picked me up and called the suicide hotline, which was busy (wtf???). Not knowing what to do, he brought me to his own therapist, who was amazing and kind and very experienced with narcissistic family systems. Here started my real healing process.

I went to therapy, but inconsistently, as I still had some serious trust issues with did not allow me to fully feel comfortable with this therapist. Nevertheless, my healing progressed. I learned about the connection between body and mind and started to take better care of my body, which helped. I started cranio-sacral therapy, which was life-changing. I became pregnant again and the pregnancy came with further mood swings and meltdowns. However, after each meltdown I emerged renewed, as though in each of these dark hours I had slayed a dragon which was lurking in the shadows.

My baby daughter was born and with her came healing and joy. Even though we were up to a rough start (she was hospitalized for meningitis shortly after birth), her stay in the hospital taught me so much about life and love. I learned that my kids and family are the most important thing in life and that savoring every moment is paramount, as life is short and the future can be uncertain.

My relationship with my daughter became my first healthy, mutually nourishing relationship ever. Unlike the first time around with my son, everything flowed seamlessly with her. Breastfeeding was easy, naps were easy, she barely cried and, when she did, I immediately knew what was up. It was like a dream come true, the motherhood experience I had always dreamt of. I felt on top of the world.

At around this time, my parents got in touch with me. They had heard about the birth of my daughter, and sent gifts and cards filled with apologies. I initially dismissed them as an attempt at manipulating me. However, after a while, I decided to give them a chance. Something told me that it was ok to get back in touch, that I was safe. I did, and even though it's been a rocky ride, I can't say I regret it. I decided to hold them accountable for how they had hurt me. They heard me, didn't take full accountability, but having voiced how much they hurt me was unbelievably healing for me. Whether they admit what they did or not, I know my truth.

My daughter grew and became progressively more independent, leaving me more and more time for me to focus on myself and think about what I wanted, professionally and personally. Having my daughter had proved me that dreams can come true and that there is a rainbow after the storm, so I dared myself to dream bigger in every aspect of my life. 

I decided to follow my dream of becoming a life coach and a writer (still work in progress ;-) I'll get there!). I admitted to myself how unhappy I was in the country I was living in, and brought up with my husband that I wanted to leave. We decided to leave for southern europe, which is where we had always dreamt of living. Moving here certainly didn't solve all our problems (wherever you go, there you are ;-), but it did improve our life significantly. The weather, lifestyle and social life is a much better match for our family. We love it here.

I'm still struggling to understand what place my parents will have in my life, and trauma does rear it's ugly head once in a while, but I trust I'll work it out one day at a time. They have proved to be very loving grandparents, which has helped the process of us getting closer. I keep my eyes open at all times and am very mindful of my boundaries, as I know how hurtful they can be when they are at their lowest. However, I try my best to stay open to receiving their love for us, which is there and is pure and sometimes so grand it's overwhelming.

My healing journey isn't finished, but it doesn't need to be. I trust that my life will be long enough to help me turn my suffering into joy and love and wisdom that I can spread in the world.

I'm incredibly thankful for this community and the support and wisdom it gave me when nobody else would or could. Thank you , you change lives.

[bloomie]

Saywhat - hello! Thanks for checking back in and giving us an update. I'm sorry this has gone a bit of time before response. I am so thankful you have reached a place of stability in your health and that your family is building a beautiful life together.

Bringing your parents back into your lives has to have been a really big decision for you and one that you made with new insights and a good tool belt that will only help you as the years pass to evaluate how those relationships are playing out over time.

One of the things I see said here on Out of the FOG is that our level of contact with family members may shift and change over time. Not holding a rigid position and staying open works to bring peace for some and knowing the relationship is completely fractured for good brings peace for others. I think your update points that out.

Whatever we choose in terms of contact within relationships we have been really hurt in that has gone unacknowledged, it is never easy. I wish you so much hope and wisdom as you continue to grow your family and rebuild these once broken relationships with your parents.