"Deathbed" apologies

[11JB68]

Has anyone experienced this with their pwpd? Updh had an episode a few days ago,  I think it was an allergic reaction but lots of confusing symptoms and his heart rate and bp spiked.  Of course he refused outside medical care,  but seemed to think he might be having another heart attack and could be dying.  Throughout he mostly acted like his usual difficult self.  But at one dramatic moment took my hands and said he just wanted to apologize for everything he's ever done wrong!
*bleh*
Then last night again made a show of saying that,  in case anything should happen to him,  he wanted to tell me that I've been the best wife.
(Again,  *bleh*, first I don't love that 'good wife' bs, which just means cuz I let him do what he wants etc.... and second.... if it's true then ACT like you appreciate and love me)
Anyone else experience this?

[Kitbit]

I think there can be moments of insight. But they are usually short-lived, and insight isn't the same as the ability to make changes to their disorder. It's so tempting to think that changes might follow, but it is rarely the case. I think on some level they know what they are doing, but are unable to stop it.

[square]

When I was a teen, I heard a guy explain that if you repent for your sins on your deathbed you're all set.

Kind of reminds me of that.

Of course, this idea is totally the opposite of repentance. It's a conscious attempt to cheat, to get away with sinning freely all your life and still get the gold ring at the end.

Doesn't work that way, and it must have felt sad to have this so baldly revealed to you. And that he expected this gesture that is knowingly empty would somehow feel nice to you or something.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with square. This smacks of trying to get all sins forgiven by an apparent emergency repentance. Of course a blanket apology for anything someone might possibly have done cannot, in my view, show genuine remorse. For that the person would have to have in mind what they were sorry for. Maybe he does and the list is too long to enumerate, but from what you say it sounds like a generic "get out of jail free" attempt.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Even worse, though, is when they try to extract a deathbed promise from you. It might be a request for you to express forgiveness, so you might want to have a think about how you would handle that. My late FIL extracted a deathbed promise from his daughter to look after MIL. MIL is uNPD. I never knew FIL well enough to judge whether he was just an enabler or had problems of his own. But I have seen the terrible emotional toll that promise has inflicted on poor SIL. I have vowed never, ever, to make a deathbed promise to anyone. Even if it is a promise I think I can keep.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I agree with user.

When my ex-uNPD would have moments like that it was more of a "look how I can see that you are wonderful - I'm so wonderful that I can see you are a good person".    It was never a genuine apology or anything that changed his behavior. 

Very manipulative.

[SonofThunder]

11JB68,

Im sorry you experienced that episode.  You didn't say whether the heart rate and bp spike were actually measured by you (not him) at home or whether that is what he described.  Anxiety can mirror those symptoms. 

Not desiring to detour from your thread title, but in my experiences with both of my PD's, when drama occurs that is atypical of PD traits (self-refection for example) and not in line with my standard experienced behaviors from my PD people, my radar lights up very bright for 'smoke-screening'...my own term for a purposeful drama-diversion to hide a truth that has occurred/is-occurring elsewhere in the PD's life, and unrelated in topic to the smoke-screen drama to the nonPD, to divert the non's attentions elsewhere. 

In addition, verbal medical claims that cannot (migraine for example) or will-not be medically validated (you wrote he refused), are another smoke-screen radar spike for me. I have witnessed creative medical drama be a smokescreen diversion.  Again, anxiety has similar symptoms and my PD's experience anxiety many times because if their own choices/actions. 

I agree with everyone else related to the topic of any attempt at a last-minute apology, but again, that wasn't my first-reaction radar feedback from your post.  Wishing you the best.

SoT

[11JB68]

I did take his BP and hr with our bp monitor. Both were elevated.  Came down  soon after (also measured). I could visibly see some of the other symptoms as well.  I do think it was an allergic reaction, and possibly the bp/hr were due to anxiety about the other symptoms.
But yeah the fake apologies for his own soul's sake....blah. I mc'd that.

[SonofThunder]

I did take his BP and hr with our bp monitor. Both were elevated.  Came down  soon after (also measured). I could visibly see some of the other symptoms as well.  I do think it was an allergic reaction, and possibly the bp/hr were due to anxiety about the other symptoms.
But yeah the fake apologies for his own soul's sake....blah. I mc'd that.

11JB68,

Im glad you believe it was a true medical related event and not manipulation, and Im sorry you experienced the fake apology.

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

I wish that people who refuse to seek or receive medical care from professionals would apologize for that behavior and henceforth go to a clinic or hospital or call for an ambulance. IMO, it's not appropriate to expect family members or friends to be "first responders" or to observe passively while someone dies.

[Pepin]

I wish that people who refuse to seek or receive medical care from professionals would apologize for that behavior and henceforth go to a clinic or hospital or call for an ambulance. IMO, it's not appropriate to expect family members or friends to be "first responders" or to observe passively while someone dies.

Amen to this.  I wish people would stop using their health against others but that is what PDs relish. 

[1footouttadefog]

Bleh is right.  If he knows what is what he should act accordingly. 

Why save it for the death bed.  I think the answer will lie in making it all about him.  What does he get out if it? 

Perhaps he thinks such words will erase all he has done so his will be remembered well. 

Who knows bits it's all about him, I can almost guarantee it.