New Here. Looking for.. not sure.

[exjxhtml]

Hi. I'm new here. I've found this website via a book given to me by a good friend. (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.)
Im twenty. I grew up with (what I can only assume since she did not believe in therapy) a narcissistic mother who I firmly believe hated everything that I am. She was heavily religious which only made things worse since I turned out to be gay and transgender. Im not sure what I want to gain from posting here, but I know Im at a loss. I feel like.. Im hopeless, I guess. I've been in therapy since I was thirteen and on SSRIs since then, too. It helped, some but I still have a lot of work I need to do, I just am not sure therapy can or is helping any more than it already has..


I guess I'm here to see if anyone else experiences the things I'm about to describe and if there are any recommendations for dealing with it.
In 2021 I got into a relationship.
I will call them Berry. Berry and I fell head over heels for each other, and for the first several month's everything was wonderful, honestly, I think it still is for the most part. We are living together, have been for over a year now, we are engaged and five months from our wedding. Truly, they make me want to be a much better person than I am, that's why I'm here posting this, i just am not sure how to move forward.
The problem that I have is that I am explosive and unpredictable when it comes to our disagreements. Much like my parents were, when I was growing up.
For example, two nights ago we were sitting on the couch with our dog, the dog was climbing all over me and i kept trying to push it off. Berry wanted to put the dog in the crate and I said no that we shouldn't. It spiraled fast. They walked away into our bedroom and proceeded to text me saying that 'they couldn't keep doing this' and that it was 'every day.' I walked into the room (really I just wanted the remote, but the texts i got as soon as i opened the door.) and I told them to 'not start' and that it wasn't fair to say that because it wasn't every day and that if they were so miserable then they could get the F*** out.

I regretted it, instantly. I knew better, nothing in that fight needed such a big reaction at all. I just.. couldn't stop it.  I need to stress that I couldn't stop it, I didn't know what was coming out of my mouth until I heard it, it's like I wasn't even fully in control of what I was saying, it was happening almost without my wanting it to.
Now when I've told my therapist this, they've told me to take a breath, count to ten, and walk away. But that doesn't work. Again because.. I don't.. feel totally in control during these moments. I don't know how to approach it, how to calm myself, how to change my reaction since it feels almost like I'm blacking out once I get so angry and I don't see the anger or response coming. 
Im not sure what reaction I'm expecting, or what replies i want.
Has anyone else dealt with the feeling I'm describing? How did you approach it? Did or does anything help with it?

[hhaw]

Welcome exjx:


I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you're reacting and reactive before you have a chance to catch yourself and decide if anger is the appropriate action.

I was referred to a Trauma informed Therapist (T) who explained reactivity is what happens when brain pathways become lightening fast through practice and use......white fat is deposited over time building, strengthening and making them lightening fast default settings.......picture water traveling into a groove.....that groove gets deeper with use and water automatically flows into that groove the deeper it gets.

When your T asks you to breathe, walk away, count to 10, they're asking you to train your brain to cultivate a split second, just a tiny window before your brain's default brain pathways are selected without your noticing.

The brain is an amazing thing, capable of building new pathways and building tgem stronger with use while extinguishing old pathways one uses less and less.

Brain is a frugal thing.  The white fat (myelin) is taken from pathways we use less and redeposited to pathways one practices using more and more.

Not gonna lie, this is higher functional frontal cortex work....logic, reason and creative problem solving take place in this part of the brain. Frontal cortex burns way more energy than the reptilian survival part of our brain, responsible for fight/flight/fawn which actually switches OFF access to frontal cortex when threat is detected.

Picture your self walking on a trail.....you see a snake and suddenly find yourself 50 feet down the trail without realizing you reacted and ran away from snake shaped stick.....not a real snake, at all.

That's a survival response designed to keep you safe....picture humans without this instinct.  They might peer into the jungle curiously, wondering if strange tiger shaped shadows are tiger stripes instead of taking autimatic action to flee, increasing chances of survival. The curious part of your brain is cut off, shut down, slammed shut without your ability to control it so survival brain can do what it does....keep you alive and it doesn't care if you're happy or losing Berry bc of anger issues.....it only cares about doing what's kept you alive so far.  Fight seems to be your brain's default survival setting and I'm not sure you understand how hopeful it is you're in therapy, noticing what's happening and looking for understanding and solutions to improve your quality of life!!  I'm guessing you're very special and committed to making changes, which is HUGE.  Maybe everything.

I digress....

Think of the NS/fight or flight survival/reptilian brain as a biochemical hijack....
This part of the brain is called reptilian, bc it's ancient, original and we have it, same as reptiles. 

Reptiles don't have neo cortex or newly developed, more advanced brains developed by humans.  Human brains have right and left hemispheres, higher processing areas and lower, more basic survival areas located at the bottom, the amygdala.

It's more complicated than that, but it's helpful to know the brain auto shuts down access to our higher thinking/newer parts of the brain, in favor of survival brain, responsible for keeping us alive since man was created.  This is what you're noticing and you can learn how to disarm your amygdala/fight or flight responses.....you can change your brain, develop new pathways and practice using them, build them into new default settings, 

This automatic response lives in your Nervous System (NS) and is responsible for vigilance and anxiety...in a nutshell.  You can't control it or think your way out if it.  It appears you're noticing this process after it happens.  I hope it helps to understand a bit about what's happening and the fact you can catch and change this reactivity into responsiveness and the ability to respond which restores access to choice (you were born with choice.) 

Your parents installed software and default settings (fig.) in your little infant/child NS befire you were aware.  THAT became the coping strategy you depended on for survival in childhood, but is creating chaos in your adult life.

Your Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) is responsible for turning off your NS/fight or flight/survival mode.  It's located in your torso and there are ways to activate it....this is good news.

Mindfulness practice is the habit if noticing everything going on in your inner world, brain and body without judging it so you can see what's there. 

You've already begun this work and I hope you continue, bc you deserve more choice and calm in your life.  Not for Berry, but for yourself.

When you breathe, instead of having the angry bio chemical dump, breathing is intended to give you a split second of noticing BEFORE reactivity chooses your default fight or flight pathway.

In that split second you may discern choice, choose a calmer response OR the angry fight or flight response your brain knows and uses automatically until you change it.

You can change it, exjx.  It's easier with the right therapist, but it's a choice you make every moment, once you're aware and focused.

You appear very focused to me: )

Suggested tools to help you remember your perfect child self:

Self Compassion
Suspend all judgment
Embrace curiosity
Embrace radical acceptance
Release expectation

These are helpful touchstones to guide your journey toward serenity and restored choice: )

Lastly, when you take 10 breathes, before anger takes you, let each breathe fill the bottom of your lungs then middle and top....like filling a vase.  Focus on each breathe, filling your lungs slowly and releasing breathe completely before the next.

If you can, try to locate the place in your body where you feel the emotions....put your hands on it and name it while taking your 10 breaths.

I'm curious what happens, if you try that. 

I hope you stay and find support on this forum.  There are many voices and some will resonate.  Some won't.  It's all ok.

(Not editing this post, bc time so read with a grain of salt.  It took me months to cover this much info with my T)

[Srcyu]

I am familiar with this. One name for it is Emotional Dysregulation and it can be triggered by feelings of invalidation. Its often rooted in early childhood trauma.

Being able to reflect upon and acknowledge the reaction is common. Despite that, it does keep happening.

Treatment is available, often with good results. I like what hhaw said about parents installing the software and default settings in their young children. Some parents have a lot to answer for.


milly

[exjxhtml]

I'm not sure if i replied to this properly, but, i appreciate this message more than words can explain and will be thinking of it the next time a conflict occurs. thank you.

[hhaw]

Try to remain curious.....try to switch into observation mode.

Notice what comes up for you.  Maybe journal about it. 

If you slip into anger, apologize without excuses.  Take responsibility for UT, talk about your intention to stop reacting with anger and let your fiance know you're committed to figuring it out for both if you.

Ask for support and forgiveness.....maybe a code word fiance can use before you tip into fight or flight....I so hope you can begin catching it and respond with curiosity and kindness for you and fiance.