Finally seeking meaningful support

[zad7242]

Hello all,

I am a middle-aged man. I have been married for 3 years and our blended family has 6 kids all under the age of 10.  lol

There were many "signs" I should have recognized in my wife even before we got married, but of course I was seeing things through my rose-colored glasses. That quickly changed when my wife had a tantrum on our wedding night followed by a couple of years of screaming at me and the kids on almost a daily basis, cutting off contact with her family and limiting my contact with my own parents, and cutting other family friends and possible sources of support out of our life. She has been through a lot even the suicide of her brother 2.5 years ago.

My wife has also had multiple episodes of psychosis mostly linked to post-partum. She is a wonderful and loving mother and very sacrificial wife. I have never worried about her being unfaithful etc. However, through my own therapy and research, it has become clear that she has borderline. She completely buys into her diagnosis, but is seeking no treatment beyond some self-care activities like exercising and journaling. She has been to therapy but quits after a few sessions either because she has a problem with the therapist, or "they will just tell me to leave you anyway". My wife even filed ethics complaints against our midwife and marriage therapist on the same day!  She blames me for everything and screams all kinds of profanity in front of the kids and then says I am the reason why she has to scream.

On a daily basis, I do not know when she will get triggered or if it will be a good day or bad day. I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for from this forum, but I've never connected anyone who is going through the same things as me, so I hope this helps prevent me from getting totally burnt out.

Thank you!

[bloomie]

Hi zad7242 - welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for telling us a bit of what brings you here. I can only imagine that this supportive community will be of encouragement to you.

A blended family with 6 kids under 10 and a fairly new marriage is challenging all on its own. Reaching out for support as you find a steady way forward is so wise. I imagine it is really hard to fully isolate what some of the roots of the behaviors you are encountering are.

We have a toolbox at the drop down menus above that is a place where you can drill down in to advice around specific behaviors and traits you are encountering that offers a do and don't section. A great diving in place!

There are online resources recommended and books as well.

The pure gold to be mined here is the conversations taking place on the boards. The insights and thoughts of others who have faced very similar things is invaluable, imv.

When you are ready, join the conversations and keep coming back! I am thankful you have found us!

[NBRiverGuy]

Hey Zad. You came to the right place. There are a few men in this group, including myself, who have similar stories. I know all about those rose-colored glasses. I kept mine on for many, many years amidst all of the warning signs. I have allowed my wife to poison all of my personal relationships in one way or another over the past 24 years. Be thankful that you came Out of the FOG. I arrived here about a year ago and even after knowing that I cannot have any sort of a healthy marriage, it is still hard to move on.
My advice here is to read other peoples' stories, including mine. If you click on a member's name, you can read their post history. Escapingman and SonofThunder both started their journey here in similar circumstances and both have moved on with their lives. They have inspired me to understand that I must do the same if I want to have a peaceful and healthy life. It doesn't make it easy, but it does make me feel less alone. Loneliness is the cornerstone of a nonPDs life when they live with a PD.

[zad7242]

Thank you, Bloomie and NBRiverGuy for the warm welcome and initial guidance. I look forward to going through all the resources and connecting with those who have walked the path I am on.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Zad7242,

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG.

I agree fully with Bloomie's and NBRiverGuy's recommendations to dive into the Toolbox tab above and get involved/read conversations from around the boards. 

My stbxw (soon to be ex-wife) is in my opinion a mix of narcissistic personality disorder (npd) and paranoid personality disorder (ppd).  When she feels backed into an emotional or situational corner, she will display some traits of borderline (bpd). 

What you wrote with "On a daily basis, I do not know when she will get triggered or if it will be a good day or bad day." has been my experience also over the 3+ decades we were married.

NBRiverGuy also mentioned his experiences and opinions on loneliness.  For my experiences specifically, I would say I experienced more feelings of isolation vs loneliness.  I really enjoy being alone, and being an introvert (recharges alone), I am not lonely being alone.  Isolation imo (in my opinion) is different than alone, as isolation when married to a PD can occur while around the PD person and even a host of family members.

Ime (in my experience), my wife would single me out for extended periods of harsh treatment, and in a house with her and 2 children and pets, it was isolating (not lonely).  I fully recognize that loneliness can occur in relationships with a PD person, but for me personally, was not the case.

Before my PD education and aligning my experiences to that knowledge, I was kept on my heels in the confusion caused by my PDw, but after combined education and steady working with the tools in the Toolbox, I was able to shorten the duration and intensity of my experiences with the disordered trait interactions of my PDw.

I highly recommend the YouTube channel of Dr Ramani and also the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist by Fjelstad. Lastly, I will caution you to educate fully in private, as PD's will capitalize on it otherwise, turning your education around as a weapon against you.

You are not alone in your experiences.  I look forward to interacting with you around the forum boards. 

SoT

[NBRiverGuy]

I would say I experienced more feelings of isolation vs loneliness.  I really enjoy being alone, and being an introvert (recharges alone), I am not lonely being alone.  Isolation imo (in my opinion) is different than alone, as isolation when married to a PD, can occur while around the PD person and even a host of family members.

Yeah. That's it. I enjoy spending time alone also. I haven't had that time in a while, as my spouse is jealous of the time I spend with myself even if I'm just in another room reading a book. Isolated is a much better word.

[zad7242]

Thank you, Son of Thunder,

I have read the original Walking on Eggshells book and the version specifically for partners, but now I will be checking out your recommendations!

I totally agree with your distinction regarding loneliness versus isolation. I am not particularly "lonely" but feel isolated. I come from a very small family and my wife has either forbidden me from having certain contact with my parents, or at least forced me to pay a heavy emotional price for doing so. Her family is huge, and I was just beginning to enjoy everything that comes along with big family gatherings, when my wife decided to cut off her family. I wasn't doing much to cultivate many of my relationships before I got married, but it was at least nice to know they were there if I needed them lol- but many of them are not options now.

I also get your advice about educating myself in private. While my wife accepts her diagnosis as true and has read some of the same info as me, she feels like I'm wasting my time, when I should be working on my own issues (she regularly accuses me of NPD). I've went over it 100 times with my own therapist and our marriage therapist. I beg them to please tell me if they think I have NPD and for me to complete any assessments that would help. Despite all my self-doubt, I have to accept that all reliable/objective measures say I do not have a PD. But anyway, my experience is that I've had to seek emotional support in private. My wife feels like it is a major betrayal for me to seek advice/support from anyone in my life. When she has found out about it, she accuses me of lying and betraying her. She says, "I lie to my friends about how wonderful you are, but you just go around shit talking me." She would be somewhat ok with me using a forum like this- although I'm not going to volunteer the info, but she gets very upset when she finds out I've confided in a friend/clergy/or my family about what is going on. 

[newlyawakened]

zad7242, Welcome to the forum. You have received great advice already from our kind hearted forum members. I am very sorry for your predicament, but I can relate to many of the experiences you have mentioned.

IMO, the biggest benefit you get from the forum are these shared experiences, which truly lend meaning to the term Out of the FOG. I am in a 2 decade long marriage with my uBPDw. I learnt about BPD and came to this forum just over a year ago. For 20 years, I thought I was the only person in the world who is facing such unique and difficult circumstances in my marriage. The sudden knowledge that this is a well understood mental illness with a name, along with the shared experiences and the tool kit to cope has made a big difference in my life. For one, I no longer carry the deep self doubt, guilt and burden of being painted black all the time. Yes it does come up during the splitting episodes, but I am able to recover faster and it does not hurt as deep. The reducing of the innate fear has further led to not walking on eggshells all the time. I have come out of my shell quite a bit and interact better with my children, friends and family. The BPD monster still looms large and can strike any time but the knowledge has given me courage and tools to face most (not all) circumstances.

I agree with other forum members that you must keep your support system private and not reveal to your PD partner as they would use it against you and you will get no benefit from sharing this. Essentially you are building yourself an entire support system (knowledge, tools, forums, advice, law, mental health services, friends, family) outside of your marital relationship, that will help you cope with the PD skew in your relationship. The other focus that will bring you relief is the self improvement and focus. The PD partner will see these changes in you and how you react to different situations but will be unable to pinpoint the reason for the new you. If they knew the reason they would like to destroy it to keep you disabled.

[zad7242]

Thank you for the welcome and additional words of wisdom, newlyawakened! So glad I found this community

[NBRiverGuy]

I agree with other forum members that you must keep your support system private and not reveal to your PD partner as they would use it against you and you will get no benefit from sharing this.

Something that my wife has added to the mix recently is that she threatens to visibly hurt herself (choke marks on neck, bruises on eyes, etc.) and then call the cops on me. Every time she does this, I send an email to myself and to a trusted person in my support system that reads "For the record, on (date) my wife, (wife's name), threatened the following actions... I have never, nor would I ever, physically harm her in any way." I started doing this at the advice of a lawyer friend.

[zad7242]

That sounds so scary, NBRiverGuy. That is a great idea. I've been told to document everything from both a legal and mental health professional separately. Haven't been as diligent about it as I should be. I do have some audio recordings of verbal abuse and I've emailed a family member some other major events that have happened like when she has broken certain things or shared certain delusions with me.

My wife consistently tells me she would never hurt herself, because of our kids, but consistently tells me that my behavior is going to kill her but won't accept the help offered or do what she thinks she needs to protect her emotional health.