"I know this will make you mad, but..."

[Tribe16]

I'm in a major rumination episode, so please bear with me...

When I'm around my mom for any extended period of time, or if we're on a longer than our normal brief phone conversations, she has this habit of starting sentences with "I know this will make you mad, but..."

Usually she is voicing some kind of opinion or criticism on my life or choices. I should be sleeping but my mind is racing trying to unpack this tonight.

Why does she say this?

If it's going to make me mad, why would you say it? (Note, I rarely show emotion around her anymore, at least I try hard not to let her see me sweat)

Is this a deliberate attempt to push buttons?

Is this a deliberate attempt to get me to feel unstable about myself? That I'm too sensitive or thin-skinned?

Is it just her nervous habit and way of starting sentences? I don't think so because I really haven't observed her starting sentences this way with anybody else besides me.

Because she flies off the handle if she is ever criticized, does she assume other people will be mad too?

Oh why couldn't I have had a Carol Brady for a mom ::::sigh:::: 

[Boat Babe]

This is targeted behaviour to harsh your vibe. She only does it to you being the main piece of evidence. It's nasty, covert emotional abuse. Tribe16 is looking chill and I'm gonna throw a nasty brick in the calm pond of their life. That's what she's doing.

It stinks and is part of the pathology of personality disorder.  You now need to be ready for the next time she does that. How can you best respond so as to protect your mental and emotional well being?   I suggest laughing it off (even if you are mad at what she says). Continue to laugh these nasty jabs off. She may give up. If she doesn't, maybe draw a much stronger boundary along the lines of "If you deliberately say things that you know will upset me, I will leave the room/house/town"
You shouldn't be up all night worrying about this. Hugs.

[NarcKiddo]

Mine does that from time to time too, with a similar preface. Usually she adds that she is my motherrrrr and only has my best interests at heart, hence mentioning whatever it is.

The example that angered me the most recently was when she telephoned me a few days after a visit to her to inform me that the outfit I had worn looked completely terrible, but she hadn't wanted to say anything at the time. 

She loves raining on any parade of mine and it sounds like yours is similar.

Yes, it is deliberate button-pushing. Often because they are in a funk and want you to feel worse than they do. Or they are not in a funk but you are obviously in a better place and they don't like that. Or they want to assert their superiority.

I do my level best not to rise to the bait any more. At least not openly. Grey rock works best with my mother. Asserting an obvious boundary, such as "well, don't say it, then," would only encourage her. But it might work for you.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's another one of those lose-lose PD games.

If you get mad (and I'm guessing what follows is often irksome and would irritate ANYONE), then she's proven right, and knows she's gotten under your skin. You're so sensitive/emotional/touchy/etc.

Many people will then try to avoid this trap by trying to prove how not sensitive/emotional/etc. they are. What? I'm not sensitive! Say whatever you want! It's cool!

And now you've been tricked into game where mom gets to say whatever rude/judgmental/inappropriate/etc. thing she wants, and you have to prove it doesn't bother you by just accepting it and saying nothing.

Because even if you maintain your cool and use the opportunity to try to establish healthy boundaries, it's probably right back to the "See? You're so sensitive! I can't say anything without you getting upset!"

I think it was from the book Boundary Boss that the author suggests responding to inappropriate things like this with another question. Someone else suggested started with the phrase "I wonder..."

So something like,  "I wonder why you would say that?" or "I wonder why you would think that would make me mad?" Keep your tone light and curious (as if asking "I wonder why the sky is blue?) and lob that moldy tennis ball right back onto their side of the court. They often have NO idea how to respond, because they expected some kind of reaction, and now the focus has been put back onto them.

[Tribe16]

Mine does that from time to time too, with a similar preface. Usually she adds that she is my motherrrrr and only has my best interests at heart, hence mentioning whatever it is.

NarcKiddo, same! Ugh. How many times has a criticism been followed with "I'm telling you this because I'm your mother and I want you to be happy." Sheesh, if you wanted me to be happy you wouldn't be so damn difficult ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

It's nasty, covert emotional abuse. Tribe16 is looking chill and I'm gonna throw a nasty brick in the calm pond of their life. That's what she's doing.

BoatBabe, thank you for validating. I wish I could see it for what it is instead of hyper-ruminating and second-guessing myself as overreacting or making it more than it is.

I think it was from the book Boundary Boss that the author suggests responding to inappropriate things like this with another question. Someone else suggested started with the phrase "I wonder..."

So something like,  "I wonder why you would say that?" or "I wonder why you would think that would make me mad?" Keep your tone light and curious (as if asking "I wonder why the sky is blue?) and lob that moldy tennis ball right back onto their side of the court. They often have NO idea how to respond, because they expected some kind of reaction, and now the focus has been put back onto them.

Cat, one of the first things I learned in delving into covert narcissism, was "You mean other people's moms have told them they're too sensitive all their life too?" I seriously thought I was unique, ha ha. I love the I wonder comeback. There is a guy on YouTube named Dan O'Connor who is a communication guru and he has a similar suggestion to this; you reminded me about him when you brought up the Boundary Boss book. BTW, I just bought Terri Cole's book and I've barely started it, but I'm going to read some more today. Thank you for your wise words. I am going to give "I wonder" a try if it happens again. I'm currently VVVLC but she tries to slip those in whenever we talk.

[moglow]

I wonder ... How she'd feel if you parroted those things right back to her, quizzical look on your face. My mind goes hard into, "I know this will make you mad, but have you ever listened to yourself? Do you not see how ridiculous you sound?" "I know this will make you mad but your opinion of my personal life doesn't fucking matter." "I know this will make you mad - do you know I heard that whole diatribe in the 'Wah wah wah' voice of adults in Charlie Brown cartoons?"

Too much?

[Boat Babe]

I wonder ... How she'd feel if you parroted those things right back to her, quizzical look on your face. My mind goes hard into, "I know this will make you mad, but have you ever listened to yourself? Do you not see how ridiculous you sound?" "I know this will make you mad but your opinion of my personal life doesn't fucking matter." "I know this will make you mad - do you know I heard that whole diatribe in the 'Wah wah wah' voice of adults in Charlie Brown cartoons?"

Too much?

Hahahahahahahahah

[Tribe16]

I know this will make you mad - do you know I heard that whole diatribe in the 'Wah wah wah' voice of adults in Charlie Brown cartoons?"

I love this. But Charlie Brown may be over her head 

I'm thinking, "I wonder why you ask this question so often. Do you enjoy making people mad?" I'm sure she'll deflect with a "You're so sensitive" comment, but I can come back with a repetitive question (learned this from Dan O'Connor) and just repeat the question until she is exasperated and then maybe ask her, "Are you mad right now?" - that would really send her flying into narcissistic injury. Sounds very tempting for sure.

[1footouttadefog]

My pdh does this also.  It's aggrevating.  I try to cut it off but then he gets prissy.