Hello! Is anyone there?

[SolitaryEcho]

Hello! I still don't know if anyone will read this message, but if there's someone on the other side, thank you! 💜

I'm new here and found the website just recently. Coins have two sides, and despite everything that has been reported here, when I flip the coin, I'm happy to have a place to share and know that I'm not alone.
It took me a long time to understand my mother's condition, and until then, I always saw myself as the cause of her extreme behavior. Some time ago, I found myself mentally overwhelmed and started psychological therapy, where I shared my daily life and experiences. My therapist talked to me about my mother's borderline personality disorder, and it made me understand that I wasn't to blame for her abrupt behaviors. Since then, it has been easier to face the overwhelm. It's not like the problems don't exist anymore, but it's as if I was in a dark room filled with clutter, running around desperately hitting my legs, head, and elbows. Then someone turned on the light, and the clutter didn't disappear, but now I can see it and avoid it most of the time. The emotional games and manipulations don't affect me as they used to. But at the same time, by becoming aware of this, sometimes I seem to involuntarily engage in the "game" and make the situation turn around. I think the term used for that would be "picking up fleas." Yeah... I feel like I'm picking up fleas. I still don't know exactly how to deal with her behaviors. I feel frustrated and angry.
Lately, I've been thinking about how my relationship with her can affect my romantic relationships. I've been in an abusive relationship before, and I came out of it very traumatized. I question whether my interaction with my mother may have influenced me to stay in that relationship, even after the signs that should have made me run away.
But the truth is, despite everything, I still love her very much, and it's hard to sever that bond because we've been through a lot together.

Thank you for allowing me to share; I feel lighter by expressing these feelings!

[SonofThunder]

Hi SolitaryEcho,

Another warm welcome here!  +1 to users recommendation of the toolbox. You stated correctly; you are not alone.  I look forward to further interaction with you on the forum boards.   

SoT

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I can relate to what you posted about. I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I now recognise the game and my part in it. I choose not to take part. I choose to remain calm. I observe and don't absorb.

I care but can't cope with all her issues and abusive behaviour.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I like your analogy of someone turning on the light in a cluttered room.