What's going on?

[Bluebell80]

I was a prior member of the forum when I went through dealing with issues with my uPD parents. I have gone through so much healing since then, had therapy, etc. and was at a place where I was doing much better.

But now I'm having a hard time in my marriage. I'm like...Is it me? I really want to know, life is too short to not fully live!

My significant other had a really rough childhood (alcoholic dad, mentally ill mom).

We have been in a pattern of circular arguments off and on for a long time. I have chronic health conditions also, so I am in pain and exhausted a lot of the time.

The most recent incident went like this:
I have been in a bad pain flare for a few months, and I was given an antibiotic for an acute issue. I ended up having a bad reaction to the antibiotic and was feeling very ill for a few days...more sick than normal for me. This is when significant other wants to hash things out, ask me if something is going on, etc. I have explained my illness to him for YEARS, and when I'm sick like this he seems to not be able to compute that I'm sleeping, not really active, etc. due to being so sick...this has been something that really frustrates me.

So after I try and explain as patiently as possible, he is now telling me "I understand all of that, that you are always in pain, etc., but I have needs and they are not getting met. I just want to talk to you after a long day at work and I can't do that because you are in bed, etc." This really hit me hard and I couldn't even speak for a few seconds...I just cried. He kept going...and is now talking in such an angry tone and a look on his face like he hates me. He will add, you always do this, you know exactly how to poke the bear and then you sit there looking innocent when you know exactly what you were doing. I don't know why you like to get me all worked up like this, and now you're going to give me the silent treatment for days I know."

I feel like after this particular time something in me just broke and after similar incidents over years and years of circular arguments that really leave me crying and exhausted.

He has severe anger issues. I feel like he is so critical of me, and our child.

We have these "talks" at least once a month. Normally they are brought on by his frustration at not enough "physical" time. I have a lower libido than him. This is always how the arguments starts and it somehow turns into "what medicine are you taking? I'm sure that isn't helping because those meds have side effects". I now get testosterone to help in that area, even though I get some bad side effects from it. Our relationship is fine as long as there is high activity in the area of physical intimacy.

I am exhausted in this relationship and the feelings of being done are becoming more and more prevalent. I'm just so tired, and am so anxious some nights I can't even fall asleep being in the same room. I have no peace. I feel like he is so emotion driven and unable to control the anger, or whatever else that I never know where I stand. Is he going to leave me? Cheat on me? I am at a point in my life where I want to have stability in my relationship but instead I feel like the rug could be pulled out from under me any minute.

We have our first counseling session in a few days and I'm so afraid of what is going to happen. I feel like if the counselor tells me I need to work on things he will be open, but if he is found in the wrong in anything he has always gotten very defensive. He is defensive about alot of things and his comment is often "Not my fault". I can say I had a really bad pain day so I didn't get to do x, y z...he will say "not my fault!" And I'm thinking I never said it was...

There's just a lot...I would love input if you made it this far...what issues do you see? Do either of our behavior sound like a PD?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome back! May I ask - does your own marriage remind you of something you witnessed with your parents?
From what you write it sounds to me like both of you came from difficult childhoods. And that for both of you, needs are not being met in this marriage. That is so sad! Would you consider to focus on yourself most of the time? What you want, feel, need? Instead of looking at him and observing all the ways he doesn't meet your expectations? And find a way to be compassionate to yourself and embark on the road of healing for yourself?

[madhossion]

Happy to hear your stories!

[Ingwer]

Hi Bluebell,

I've recently joined this forum, and I appreciate your sharing your story — I have health conditions and a husband with emotional regulation issues.
I imagine it's been frustrating to not feel the control over your own body while it's not your fault. And someone who you'd expect to care about you the most, doesn't seem to see your pain. In that situation, keeping yourself safe and prioritising your health is probably super challenging.

My husband said exactly the same as your partner said; "I have needs and they are not getting met." He also says he can't accept that my health needs have to be prioritised over his needs. I explained I have no alternatives to meet my urgent health needs while he has, which he refuses to agree. It seems like he has cognitive empathy more or less (he knows I'm in pain), but not affective empathy (he can't imagine how bad it might feel). My husband was 'assessed' as compound PD, but I'm pretty sure he's on autism spectrum as well. Do you see neurodiverse traits in your partner?

And how did your first counselling session go? It'd be great if the counsellor helps you find ways to protect yourself and (re)gain control over your life.

It's amazing that you've been dealing with the difficult situation for years while taking care of yourself and your child. I hope you know how strong you are, no matter how vulnerable you feel.

[Bluebell80]

Welcome back! May I ask - does your own marriage remind you of something you witnessed with your parents?
From what you write it sounds to me like both of you came from difficult childhoods. And that for both of you, needs are not being met in this marriage. That is so sad! Would you consider to focus on yourself most of the time? What you want, feel, need? Instead of looking at him and observing all the ways he doesn't meet your expectations? And find a way to be compassionate to yourself and embark on the road of healing for yourself?

Thank you so much for responding and giving feedback. Yes, we both had very difficult childhoods and I believe we have both got a lot of healing to do. I definitely find myself trying to anticipate how he will feel, what I need to do to make him feel better so that our child and I have more peace. I have completely lost myself and home is no longer a place I have peace at all. I am really trying to not be critical, but I keep finding myself in a constant state of stress/triggered. I really don't have any complaints with him meeting my expectations, I'm being told I fall extremely short meeting his though.

[Bluebell80]

Hi Bluebell,

I've recently joined this forum, and I appreciate your sharing your story — I have health conditions and a husband with emotional regulation issues.
I imagine it's been frustrating to not feel the control over your own body while it's not your fault. And someone who you'd expect to care about you the most, doesn't seem to see your pain. In that situation, keeping yourself safe and prioritising your health is probably super challenging.

My husband said exactly the same as your partner said; "I have needs and they are not getting met." He also says he can't accept that my health needs have to be prioritised over his needs. I explained I have no alternatives to meet my urgent health needs while he has, which he refuses to agree. It seems like he has cognitive empathy more or less (he knows I'm in pain), but not affective empathy (he can't imagine how bad it might feel). My husband was 'assessed' as compound PD, but I'm pretty sure he's on autism spectrum as well. Do you see neurodiverse traits in your partner?

And how did your first counselling session go? It'd be great if the counsellor helps you find ways to protect yourself and (re)gain control over your life.

It's amazing that you've been dealing with the difficult situation for years while taking care of yourself and your child. I hope you know how strong you are, no matter how vulnerable you feel.

Wow...your situation sounds so familiar...and I'm so sorry. I just shared more of my story on the "welcome mat" Please feel free to message me if you like...I need all the support I can get and I'm a good listener "reader" too. It is extremely painful that, like you said, the person who should care the most doesn't. I haven't really looked into neurodivergent traits, but I'm open to anything that would help at this point. Thanks you!