Disordered eating

[Justme729]

My mother had very odd rules about eating when we were growing up.  I was made fun of for not liking seafood.  I was disciplined if I didn't eat.  Through therapy, I've realized I've blocked out chunks of this.  There was a time I was disciplined for drinking a soda, then required to drink soda or I was disciplined. As I got older, I didn't eat because I was hungry I ate out of fear of punishment or because I knew my body needed food to survive.   I counted coins for lunch in high school.  I often didn't eat.  Or just ate fries.  Or something from the jrotc store. When I became an adult I had no healthy eating habits.   I never learned how to cook because I wasn't allowed in the kitchen. I was disciplined.  My weight has steadily increased over the years.   I still have those disordered eating habits.  I can't kick the soda habit.  I know portion control.  I know healthy eating, but her voice is echoing. I still never feel hungry.  I don't know what hungry feels like.  I want to feel something.  I also have a tendency to eat when I get anxious or stressed.  I don't know why.  All I can think is whenever my mom disciplined us about food, or anything, my dad or grandparents should get us treats.  Ice cream, donuts, snacks, etc.  it also became a fight among the adults with us kids in the middle.  I am having health complications & need to fix it all. This is one area I struggle and can't find positive coping tools.  I'm seeing a doctor and dietitian.  She gave me goals of 64 oz of water, veggie and protein every meal. She didn't say no to anything.  I shared what I wrote her (in basic stuff).  I'm trying to be positive and I want my goal to be positive relationship with food and feel good about this process.

I don't know if I have a question or anything but more want to feel like I'm not alone and hearing how you overcome (or are trying to overcome) it.

[Big Bear]

Greetings Justme729,

I'm so sorry to hear about how you were raised.  It sounds like there are some deep-rooted issues involved.  Learning about nutrition and cooking is a good place to start, but it sounds like there are some deeper issues that go beyond this.

Have you considered finding a therapist?  Perhaps someone who specializes in eating disorders?  Until the underlying issues are addressed, I imagine that this could be an on-going challenge. 

I hope all the best for you on this journey.

Big Bear

[notrightinthehead]

Food is such an essential part in our life and I am so sorry your mother spoiled that for you too!  There is a podcast I have found very helpful "Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous "  check it out, maybe this is something for you.  It sounds like you have all the knowledge and tools to begin a healthy relationship with food, now you need the emotional support when you are tempted to fail. For me that is when I am sad, angry, alone, tired. Then I find chocolate or sweets and indulge. It's so important to have someone who understands and to be able to contact them when temptation is strong. Also, belonging to a group of people who struggle with a similar problem allows us to feel connected, something we missed so desperately when growing up.
I hope I have given you some support, please let us know how you are doing.

[Srcyu]

I endured something similar. I wasn't allowed any personal preference. If she put it on the table, I had to eat it.
There was one difference though. I was expected to have a small appetite. I was 'shamed' if she thought I'd had anything extra ( at grandmother's house for instance).

We rarely had any treats in the house and definitely not pop (soda). Amongst the things never, ever cooked in her house was chicken, cheese, roast potatoes and baked potatoes. Often, there was no bread for making toast in the mornings. My father however, always had a constant supply of bacon in the fridge that could be eaten only by him.

My food disorder is often not eating enough. I'm a slow eater (which I was moaned at about while young) and now when I'm eating with others I usually stop eating soon as others are finished.


milly

[Jolie40]

I became a stress eater as a teen due to the stress & dysfunction of FOO plus I was the scapegoat

a few years ago, I decided to finally get down to normal weight so as not to have future problems
I went to 2 meals/day for a whole year & jumpstarted the weight loss

also, at the end of that year, surprisingly I was no longer a stress eater! it just went away!

so after I went back to 3 meals, I continued to lose weight as I was now used to eating less
I did lose weight VERY slowly but after about 3 yrs total, I got to normal weight

it's been over a year now & haven't gained any weight back
good luck on your journey!

[easterncappy]

My grandma was a part of the generation of women who had to "keep a man" and also had some sort of PD and a lot of childhood trauma, one way which that manifested itself was really disordered eating. My mom would feed me something with a side of ketchup, and my grandma would go on and on about how "I can't believe you're feeding her that crap". One time she discovered some fad diet that involved not eating for three days, and my mom said she couldn't not eat for three days. "Ha? Really? You couldn't handle that?", in this really dismissive tone was my grandma's response, as if being skinny was more important than three days of physical pain from hunger and it was no big deal at all to starve for half of a week. Not to mention the headaches, electrolyte imbalance, etc. that comes from that.

My mom was unable to ever criticize her mom no matter what she did wrong. So my mom never learned that all of the things that my grandma said to hurt her feelings about her weight or eating habits were wrong, and she repeated them. My mom and grandma were both very neglectful and often used food as a way to shut me up and not have to spent time with me, I couldn't bother them if I was eating a plate of fried potatoes. My weight got out of control and they bullied me for it, despite having caused my weight gain.

My mom was obsessed with everything being "healthy", as was my grandmother. Both of them would eat an entire tub of butter pecan ice cream but still make fun of me for making "soups from cans" when I made a soup that had canned beans and canned tomatoes in it, because they believed canned food "had all of the vitamins zapped out of it". This somewhat tied with their beliefs that a rEaL wOmAn always cooks everything from scratch and never dares to take a shortcut in cooking. My mom would put on a dramatic show about how she totally only enjoyed the taste of healthy food, and didn't even like the taste of unhealthy food, like she couldn't eat tomato slices without bragging about how healthier she is than everyone. It was weird.

I don't really understand portion sizes, I'm still overweight, I stress/comfort eat, and I can't maintain a healthy weight unless I count calories and weigh all of my food. I feel like this is supposed to come naturally for people. Most thin people I know don't really think about what they eat, they just were raised with a good understanding of portion sizes and food groups, and don't run to food for comfort despite enjoying occasional treats.

I overthink the "healthiness" of food a LOT. I beat myself up if I ever have fast food, sweets, or crave anything "unhealthy". I feel guilty if I use one jarred or canned thing or a box mix in a recipe.

So you are definitely not alone. Sorry for the long post but I could probably write a book about all of the weird food stuff in our family.

[moglow]

She gave me goals of 64 oz of water, veggie and protein every meal. She didn't say no to anything.  I shared what I wrote her (in basic stuff).  I'm trying to be positive and I want my goal to be positive relationship with food and feel good about this process.

That's really good stuff, not having "no." I kind of do that myself - I weigh more than I should for my frame and don't get near the exercise needed, but I don't overindulge either. I don't have any No other than liver, because I detest the stuff. There are a few other things I just don't care for so I don't cook them. For the most part I eat what I want and mostly in moderation, but I've been known to binge or mindless eat now and again.

Backstory - my mother was an angry resentful person, and it came through in her cooking. She liked boxed stuff, just add water and stir. Nothing was seasoned well if at all, the nuances of herbs and flavorings were beyond her. It was food so you ate what she provided, and you'd better eat all of it. There wouldn't be substitutions or other options. Any desserts or treats were for her and stepfather and the repercussions were swift if we ate/drank any of it. She talked about how much Dad loved this or that dish, and I have no idea why. My guess is, he just went along or maybe he had no tastebuds, I really don't know. She made what she called stir fry - God help her, it was bland tasteless colorless mush. Any nutritional value and texture was stewed out of it. It wasn't good. Me, I LOVE to cook, play in the kitchen and throw things together with whatever is at hand. Some aren't awful but not great either, others I've surprised myself with how good it turned out. I did not learn from her!

Have you considered maybe taking a cooking class, putting meals together in a different way with foods you've not tried before? Making a point to go out to eat and trying random dishes that appeal to you? Do you have friends you could experiment with maybe? I'm thinking you might want to think and jump out of the box we grew up in to tempt yourself. If nothing else, you find out what you don't like, then can work through why. Or you just try the next thing.

[bloomie]

Justme729 - what an important subject you raise. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing with us this struggle you are tackling. Bravo!

So interesting that you don't feel hunger. I wonder, do you feel other body sensations? And are you able to identify your emotions? I ask, because I have struggled mightily with identifying how I feel. Both physically and emotionally. As a coping mechanism in the face of abuse I became stoic to the extreme. And self abandoning.

So, I was always okay. Because if I was not okay I was a problem and I was punished. So, even sickness was denied and hidden. I still struggle admitting I am sick and need to care for myself. 

And I didn't 'need' anything. Because when I needed something I couldn't provide for myself - basic things like socks or a toothbrush, I was shamed and punished. You can imagine, or maybe some of you know, the relief of having a job and earning money to be able to buy needed items for myself. Of course, my mother would take my earnings at will, which made providing for myself hard at times, because nothing ever belonged to me. Not my body, not my experiences, not my talents and abilities, not my clothing, not my car I purchased at 16 for myself, not anything.

It is a progressive journey for me to be able to recognize and respond to what my body and emotions are telling me. And food, prioritizing caring for myself, being able to recognize my emotional experiences and honor them is a huge part of that journey.

Some of this is body autonomy. Reclaiming myself. All of myself. And loving myself as I am. Right now. In this exact moment in time.

Maybe there is a bit of that for you as well?

[Srcyu]

Yes Bloomie, I do know the relief of having a job and being able to buy for myself what I needed. I had to be careful that I didn't buy anything that she would want for herself though.

Even with a job and therefore bringing money in I was STILL quizzed about food, meals and whether or not I should be feeling hungry.

I like the sound of reclaiming yourself. We all need to aim for that.


milly

[Justme729]

So interesting that you don't feel hunger. I wonder, do you feel other body sensations? And are you able to identify your emotions? I ask, because I have struggled mightily with identifying how I feel. Both physically and emotionally. As a coping mechanism in the face of abuse I became stoic to the extreme. And self abandoning.

Hi bloomie,

I actually struggle with identifying emotions/feelings.  I can talk about it like this, but when we were doing emdr I really struggled to "feel" anything beyond a bystander type role.  I wouldn't say I am cold and heartless as a person.   I love my children and spouse and have no problems with them showing emotion and identifying what it is.   I don't have that issue in my career with children.  It's specifically related to trauma.   I shut down it seems like.   It might be something worth bringing up with my therapist.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Justme729, this discussion is really eye opening for me.
In my experiences with children who have been through trauma, these two things you brought up are absolutely the norm:
1. Disordered eating of some kind. Overeating, binge eating, refusing to eat, hiding food, gagging when trying to eat (even favorite foods), punishing self with food, eating at inappropriate times, eating only one type of food or one specific food, obsessing about food/ the next meal, being overprotective/ possessive about food, refusing to try new foods, eating really really quickly, eating extremely slowly, pretending to like certain foods (some kind of weird shame there...), hoarding food, rationing food, food centered OCD, full blown eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia. It is the exception, not the rule, in my experience, to encounter a traumatized child who does not have some kind of issue around food.
2. Lack of self knowledge around basic bodily cues and limits. Not recognizing things like hunger, fullness, tiredness, overstimulation, hot, cold, thirsty, soreness, tension, nausea, the need to toilet, itchiness, a need to move and run around... Not all of the kids are out of touch with all the sensations, but it is incredibly common to find at least a handful. Not feeling hungry and not knowing when to STOP eating are definitely among the most common after toileting issues. I have wondered before if this is some type of dissociation. I know it has to be more than just not being taught the skills. And it can't be a conscious choice every time to be ignoring their own needs or comfort, although that may sometimes play a part.
Bloomie, this strikes me as a very well phrased and basic truth about the core of these problems

I have struggled mightily with identifying how I feel. Both physically and emotionally. As a coping mechanism in the face of abuse I became stoic to the extreme. And self abandoning.

It is crushing that kids have to do this to survive. I am so sorry for the things everyone who posted has gone through.
Also, thank you for this. I love this! I am going to print it on colored paper and tape it into the front cover of my notebooks. I want to keep it in front of me as I approach situations that come up nearly daily with the kids, and not just the ones related to food!

It is a progressive journey for me to be able to recognize and respond to what my body and emotions are telling me. And food, prioritizing caring for myself, being able to recognize my emotional experiences and honor them is a huge part of that journey.

Justme, I like you simple and positive goals. I wish I could offer you some help or advice. Food is so basic. But our relationship with it can be so difficult. When you find what is most helpful for you, I hope you share it here. In the meantime, I am sending you support and encouragement from afar. 

[Boat Babe]

Wow, didn't realize food issues were so common in our families. Then again, why am I surprised given that good food is so necessary for good health and that cooking and eating can and, in my opinion, should be a real pleasure. Let's fuck that up too while we're at it. Sheesh!

Yeah my mother hated cooking and embraced convenience food with a passion in the sixties and has some bonkers ideas around certain foods, restricts herself to others and I've never seen her tuck into a good meal with relish.  I've tended towards comfort eating at times but managed to keep my food issues in perspective. I just went mad on drugs!

[NotCryingGlitter]

My mother had very odd rules about eating when we were growing up.  I was made fun of for not liking seafood.  I was disciplined if I didn't eat.  Through therapy, I've realized I've blocked out chunks of this.  There was a time I was disciplined for drinking a soda, then required to drink soda or I was disciplined. As I got older, I didn't eat because I was hungry I ate out of fear of punishment or because I knew my body needed food to survive.   I counted coins for lunch in high school.  I often didn't eat.  Or just ate fries.  Or something from the jrotc store. When I became an adult I had no healthy eating habits.   I never learned how to cook because I wasn't allowed in the kitchen. I was disciplined.  My weight has steadily increased over the years.   I still have those disordered eating habits.  I can't kick the soda habit.  I know portion control.  I know healthy eating, but her voice is echoing. I still never feel hungry.  I don't know what hungry feels like.  I want to feel something.  I also have a tendency to eat when I get anxious or stressed.  I don't know why.  All I can think is whenever my mom disciplined us about food, or anything, my dad or grandparents should get us treats.  Ice cream, donuts, snacks, etc.  it also became a fight among the adults with us kids in the middle.  I am having health complications & need to fix it all. This is one area I struggle and can't find positive coping tools.  I'm seeing a doctor and dietitian.  She gave me goals of 64 oz of water, veggie and protein every meal. She didn't say no to anything.  I shared what I wrote her (in basic stuff).  I'm trying to be positive and I want my goal to be positive relationship with food and feel good about this process.

I don't know if I have a question or anything but more want to feel like I'm not alone and hearing how you overcome (or are trying to overcome) it.

I second the person who advised to get support from professionals who are experts with eating disorders; while some doctors and dieticians might help with the diet in general, they probably don't dig into the root of the problem -- emotions/feelings. If you speak with an eating disorder expert, they can help you deal with it in a way that can be sustainable for the long term, to reduce the chance of you falling down a rabbit hole down the road.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Wow, didn't realize food issues were so common in our families. Then again, why am I surprised given that good food is so necessary for good health and that cooking and eating can and, in my opinion, should be a real pleasure. Let's fuck that up too while we're at it. Sheesh!

Yeah my mother hated cooking and embraced convenience food with a passion in the sixties and has some bonkers ideas around certain foods, restricts herself to others and I've never seen her tuck into a good meal with relish.  I've tended towards comfort eating at times but managed to keep my food issues in perspective. I just went mad on drugs!

I hope you got the drug thing figured out, so you can stay healthy.

[Boat Babe]

Wow, didn't realize food issues were so common in our families. Then again, why am I surprised given that good food is so necessary for good health and that cooking and eating can and, in my opinion, should be a real pleasure. Let's fuck that up too while we're at it. Sheesh!

Yeah my mother hated cooking and embraced convenience food with a passion in the sixties and has some bonkers ideas around certain foods, restricts herself to others and I've never seen her tuck into a good meal with relish.  I've tended towards comfort eating at times but managed to keep my food issues in perspective. I just went mad on drugs!

I hope you got the drug thing figured out, so you can stay healthy.

Thanks, I've been clean for a long long time