Dealing with Feelings Seven Years After Leaving Ex

[unicorn]

I'm continuing to have anxiety. A lot of it seems to be stemming from my past abusive marriage, and how he treated my poor kids. I have to remind myself that, that was his fault and not mine. And I got him to stop and then eventually left which pushed him to stop more of his behavior for fear that I would take custody away from him.

I feel immense guilt and shame over this. I even upped my meds this past week, which only made things worse and made me go back to my original dosage. My therapist says that I need to deal with my feelings and feel them and talk about them. She thinks I'm reflecting on this and feeling these feelings now because I'm in a safe relationship and am able to feel these feelings that I have stuffed down for so long.

I also have to remind myself that the abuse that I and my kids suffered was his fault, not my fault. And the way that he treated us was a reflection on himself and not on us. I just wish that my kids and I could have had it better.

[notrightinthehead]

Maybe talking about the experiences and feelings is re-traumatizing for you. Maybe writing them down and then releasing them, throw them away, burn them, can help you get rid of them.

[unicorn]

That's an interesting take. I might just try it.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Unicorn,

I hear you.

Your therapist is likely on to something about how the feelings you couldn't express back then, can get expressed now. There are quite a few theories on how we process trauma, and IFS, EMDR and SE (somatic experiencing) all look at the need to express the anxieties / fears that we suppressed at the time.

In my own experience, I went through many therapists who could talk about this, but could not guide me through any of it. They have to be trained in how to assist clients with somatic experiencing - and a lot of therapists are not. They are mostly trained on talk therapy or some version of CBT, where the focus is on our thoughts.

Wishing that you had not experienced the abuse is very normal and common, and healthy. Most of the therapists I met with didn't know how to support grief work either. They could talk about what they had learned about it from a book, but that is not the same thing as being able to guide a client through their grief.

Everything you described is very normal to feel after getting away from an abusive relationship. It is a process. For myself, I can say it is a slow process of sorting out the many emotions we have after being with an abuser. Hang in there.

Trees

[xredshoesx]

My trauma brain still reacts to things/triggers from both my ex and my upbringing and I've been out of the bad relationship with ex 15+ years (and happily married to a guy who gets it) and nc with family almost 30 years.

I think therapists forget grief is not a linear progression. I 100 agree that being in a safe place now allows these feelings to bubble up.  Trauma is a shadow and it's always there, just sometimes easier to see than others.

Be gentle with yourself today.

[1footouttadefog]

I once had a funeral for my marriage.  I gathered carda, pictures and various symbolic things and burned them and had a funeral of sorts.  I can still see it vividly in my mind.  I know it can never be again what it was due to Hs mental illness. 

Perhaps a memorable demarcation between the past and the future would be helpful l, be creative.