What I noticed after spending three weeks full time with my mother

[Boat Babe]

I purposely never spend more than an afternoon with uBPDmum because it's so draining but her health issues have forced my hand and it's now been three weeks that she's been convalescing at mine. I've been a member of this forum coming up five years now so have learned a great deal from members and the Out of the FOG website.

Things that are confirmed for me after this time:
She is frozen in time emotionally. Part of her has never matured and never will. (This causes me real pain as she was like this when I was little and it hurt me then)
She is unrelentingly negative and often  sour. This has gotten worse with age. (This frustrates me and I find it maddening)
She is needy and clingy to the nth degree (I feel real compassion here)
She is over fearful, she worries, she frets. (Again, very hard to grey rock when it's constant)
Her whole focus is on herself - no wonder she's unhappy.

It's a pathology and all we can do is understand it and then put our energies into having our own, good lives, whatever that looks like for you.

[NarcKiddo]

Three weeks. Three.whole. weeks. In the words of Rudyard Kipling "You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din." I don't think I could do it. I can barely do a weekend. Thankfully my parents live just half an hour away from me so mostly I can do a few hours and then escape.

My mother is uNPD as far as I can tell, and I identify with the things that you list.

She is frozen in time emotionally. Yes, that rings true. I have not thought of it that way before but my mother is the same. It hurt me and caused lifelong damage. Where I am now it causes me anger more than pain. I'm working on the anger.

She is negative. My mother goes through phases of almost manic excitement and confected "fun". I was going to say "joy" but that is not correct. However those phases have got fewer and more short-lived and her bubble is very easily burst. Mostly she is negative, critical and complaining. About everything. If she gets onto politics it's just squirm-inducing. I also find it frustrating and maddening.

She is needy and clingy. Mine is getting like that with age. She used to be the big "I am" but is now obviously feeling the vulnerability of old age and is finding waif behaviour suits her. I don't feel any compassion, though sometimes I think I should. She makes so much drama out of every slight setback that it puts my teeth on edge and all compassion quickly evaporates.

She is over fearful. Yes. The fretting and worry is awful and has got worse. She has always gone on about her terrible nervous state and used to eat Valium by the bucketload when the doctors used to permit it. It's getting worse by the day and I agree it is hard to grey rock. My mother also thinks up solutions to problems that may never happen. Except she then tries to put the solutions into action "just in case" and her solution is, pretty much without fail, a bad idea. Sometimes dangerous. So then I feel obliged to get involved to stop something dangerous being done, which really messes with my grey rock.

The whole focus is on herself. YES. And always has been. I know (because she has told me on occasion) that she hates herself, so it must be pretty grim to focus constantly on something she hates.

I often find it really quite surprising what similarities these people display. It is a pathology - but I find it hard to understand. My mother is a fiercely intelligent woman and yet her behaviour sometimes makes her seem like the stupidest person in the world. It boggles my mind.

[wisingup]

Boat Babe - three weeks, my goodness.  I'm hoping an end is in sight!  And then some serious self-care for you.

I relate to all of your points, but these ones especially:

"She is frozen in time emotionally. Part of her has never matured and never will." 
Definitely.  And for my mom, I think it's a very young age.  Like 4 or 5.  She throws tantrums and tells ridiculous lies like a toddler.  Her needs come first always.

"She is unrelentingly negative and often sour. This has gotten worse with age."
Yes again, & doesn't notice that it brings down the mood of others & makes them not want to be around her.

"Her whole focus is on herself - no wonder she's unhappy."  My mom doesn't belong to any groups, has no friends or hobbies, has never  done any volunteer work.  Bad or almost non-existent relationships with her kids & grandkids.  She doesn't have much to think about other than herself & the news.  Bad combo!

I've been struggling with anxiety & fretful worrying myself for the past few weeks & I think its in large part out of fear that I could become like her as I age.  I see that with her age & cognitive issues, she has even less filter - mean-spirited & inappropriate comments come out increasingly often.  I would hate to end up like this with my children gritting their teeth through visits with me. My MIL is nothing like this - she is kind and pleasant. I need to start thinking about her more often & my mom less!!

Anyway Boat Babe - I hope you are hanging in there OK & will have your home back to yourself soon!

[Boat Babe]

Three weeks. Three.whole. weeks. In the words of Rudyard Kipling "You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din." I don't think I could do it. I can barely do a weekend. Thankfully my parents live just half an hour away from me so mostly I can do a few hours and then escape.

My mother is uNPD as far as I can tell, and I identify with the things that you list.

She is frozen in time emotionally. Yes, that rings true. I have not thought of it that way before but my mother is the same. It hurt me and caused lifelong damage. Where I am now it causes me anger more than pain. I'm working on the anger.

She is negative. My mother goes through phases of almost manic excitement and confected "fun". I was going to say "joy" but that is not correct. However those phases have got fewer and more short-lived and her bubble is very easily burst. Mostly she is negative, critical and complaining. About everything. If she gets onto politics it's just squirm-inducing. I also find it frustrating and maddening.

She is needy and clingy. Mine is getting like that with age. She used to be the big "I am" but is now obviously feeling the vulnerability of old age and is finding waif behaviour suits her. I don't feel any compassion, though sometimes I think I should. She makes so much drama out of every slight setback that it puts my teeth on edge and all compassion quickly evaporates.

She is over fearful. Yes. The fretting and worry is awful and has got worse. She has always gone on about her terrible nervous state and used to eat Valium by the bucketload when the doctors used to permit it. It's getting worse by the day and I agree it is hard to grey rock. My mother also thinks up solutions to problems that may never happen. Except she then tries to put the solutions into action "just in case" and her solution is, pretty much without fail, a bad idea. Sometimes dangerous. So then I feel obliged to get involved to stop something dangerous being done, which really messes with my grey rock.

The whole focus is on herself. YES. And always has been. I know (because she has told me on occasion) that she hates herself, so it must be pretty grim to focus constantly on something she hates.

I often find it really quite surprising what similarities these people display. It is a pathology - but I find it hard to understand. My mother is a fiercely intelligent woman and yet her behaviour sometimes makes her seem like the stupidest person in the world. It boggles my mind.

Thanks narkiddo - I am sorry that you know this pattern so well - it really sucks. It is so, so helpful however to know that other people get it.  While I have been nursing mum a lot of friends have been really supportive but when I say "she's really difficult" they just say, "Oh well, that's mothers and daughters for you"  If you know, you know 

[Boat Babe]

Boat Babe - three weeks, my goodness.  I'm hoping an end is in sight!  And then some serious self-care for you.

I relate to all of your points, but these ones especially:

"She is frozen in time emotionally. Part of her has never matured and never will." 
Definitely.  And for my mom, I think it's a very young age.  Like 4 or 5.  She throws tantrums and tells ridiculous lies like a toddler.  Her needs come first always.

"She is unrelentingly negative and often sour. This has gotten worse with age."
Yes again, & doesn't notice that it brings down the mood of others & makes them not want to be around her.

"Her whole focus is on herself - no wonder she's unhappy."  My mom doesn't belong to any groups, has no friends or hobbies, has never  done any volunteer work.  Bad or almost non-existent relationships with her kids & grandkids.  She doesn't have much to think about other than herself & the news.  Bad combo!

I've been struggling with anxiety & fretful worrying myself for the past few weeks & I think its in large part out of fear that I could become like her as I age.  I see that with her age & cognitive issues, she has even less filter - mean-spirited & inappropriate comments come out increasingly often.  I would hate to end up like this with my children gritting their teeth through visits with me. My MIL is nothing like this - she is kind and pleasant. I need to start thinking about her more often & my mom less!!

Anyway Boat Babe - I hope you are hanging in there OK & will have your home back to yourself soon!

Thanks wising up - I don't think we will end up like them. If I compare myself now to how my mother was at my current age (65) we are night and day. I deffo have some fleas and I know that my son struggles with aspects of my emotional dysregulation around my ex/his dad (not a PD - just a very painful break up that I am still processing after seven bloody years cos abandonment issues). However, he has excellent boundaries that I recognize and respect. He knows I am in therapy and am working on stuff. We talk about this and try to move forward. I have zero intention of doing to him what my mother does to me. 
Are you enjoying the peace and quiet now she is in a care home?

[Cat of the Canals]

Three weeks. Three.whole. weeks. In the words of Rudyard Kipling "You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din."

I second that emooootion.

I was worried about visiting for a weekend a few months ago, with both parents in good health and other family around as a buffer! Years ago, I spent one afternoon with PDmom after she broke her foot. She doesn't usually waif (not to me at least), but she was really pulling out all the stops then. Laid on the couch the whole time while my dad waited on her. Kept whimpering to me that I "must be so bored."  No, no, it's riveting sitting here while you vegetate and kvetch, mom.

I used to think my mother wasn't negative or judgmental, but I now realize I was just desensitized to her particular brand of it. For example, a family friend just went through a really terrible tragedy, and he's had a rough life as it is. His mother died when he was 6. His wife just died very unexpectedly, leaving behind an 8 and 10 year old. I can't imagine how retraumatizing that's going to be for him, on top of dealing with the immediate grief and that of his children. My mother put on her haughty voice and went on about how hopefully he'll get his life together and "do the right thing."