They destroyed my FOC

[Lookin 2 B Free]

First my own PDx pushed away every friend and every member of my FOC (6 people) with it all worsening until 4 ish years ago when he & I separated, and then finally split forever.

One other uNPD who married into my FOC has been methodically splitting off their spouse from friends and from every other member of our FOC.  I tried to counter this at first, asking about it and asking that people not be excluded from gatherings. Then I started being excluded, too, until this family constellation almost doesn't exist anymore.

The last times we were together, over a period of several months, there was sniping and wet-blanketing from this person, enough to make you not want to even try to get together.  I'm at a loss.

It's like a death.  This group of family I love more than anyone in the world is now just splintered and kind of scattered with it continually getting worse.  It sickens me and keeps me up nights.  I feel devastated.

I can try to arrange occasional times together, though it's so unpleasant now I don't know if I want to or should.  I have individual relationships with them, but it's not the same and even those feel damaged & diminished.  It's so like my FOO it brings up shame and fear and hopelessness and I want to freeze or run.  I think about moving away, just to start over and not be living with the problem staring me in the face.

PDs are like a cancer on family togetherness that metastasizes to ruin everything.  Does anyone know how to respond to this?  Individual FOC members range from "Yeah, I'm outta here" to enabling & denial.  The only thing I can think to do for myself is to tend to the rest of my life and friendships so I can nurture and be nurtured by those, instead of focussing on something hopeless & watching myself get belittled & left out .  Any other ideas?

[bloomie]

PDs are like a cancer on family togetherness that metastasizes to ruin everything.  Does anyone know how to respond to this?  Individual FOC members range from "Yeah, I'm outta here" to enabling & denial.  The only thing I can think to do for myself is to tend to the rest of my life and friendships so I can nurture and be nurtured by those, instead of focussing on something hopeless & watching myself get belittled & left out .

It is incredibly disheartening to begin to realize that the cohesive FOC we have faithfully built and enjoy is fracturing from the disfunction of one or two that has positioned themselves as the gatekeeper. And that speaking up in some way results in us being left out. Ouch!! I am sorry this is happening and hurting you so deeply. It is a death of a constellation of family that has been valuable and life giving to you.

What I have found has helped me in similar circumstances is to accept that there are few people that experience - in our FOO or FOC - life long stability in these groups. Because the dynamic shifts with each new addition, someone manipulative or disordered enters the scene, what unified us at one point in our lives changes, people move on or away so much more than they used to, we get healthier and less willing to absorb the nonsense of another - or more savvy to it and able to see the destructiveness at work. And so much more.

You answered your own question here in this highlighted bit of your post so wisely. Neutralizing the hold this is having over you by adjusting to this change in your much loved FOC may require some grieving and processing, but it seems like you still have some of the connections in place with that group and that you have others you can shift your focus to that are inclusive and reciprocal.

The pace of life that is overwhelming the culture, the lack of prioritizing, appreciating, and preserving either a FOC or a FOO is a huge roadblock to sustained, connected relationships I have found. But... it is possible to continue building, maybe one on one, or in smaller groups with healthy, willing, reciprocal people.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thank you, Bloomie.  You helped give me some perspective.  I guess I had some idea that most everyone coming from a crummy FOO at least had a great FOC that kind of redeemed them and their lives.

Everyone except, now, me.  I guess it feels shaming, and like it's my fault, that my FOC that I worked so hard to have a good relationship with, that I CHOSE for myself, cannot hold together.  Like it's MY failure. 

Even if you try to pin it on this current uNPD, I have to ask why did a uNPD marry into my FOC? Wasn't it the case that my kids had this same thing modeled for them, the abusive one and me as the enabling codependent?  Yes, I divorced their dad to save them from any more harm, but I didn't really change that much.  And then I fell in love with another PD and kept refusing to see the handwriting on the wall.

I need to accept and forgive myself instead of cringing every time I think of my past.  I realize I didn't know any better' I was living what I'd grown up with and was in denial . I was just trying to survive the only way I knew how.  And I'm glad I'm finally free of those PD life partners, even if it took decades. 

I guess I feel I should have known better and acted better.  My child's psychologist, 16, 17 yrs ago, clued me in to the fact that I had partnered with NPD's This was before it was even a hot topic.  But I turned a blind eye.  I don't find it hard to feel forgiving toward others who have done this, but I do find it hard to forgive myself.  That's probably making this recent stuff much more painful.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Lookin 2 B Free,

This is painful. You totally have the right to feel this loss.

I agree with you, PD destruction is a lot like cancer. It just grows and grows within a group until it destroys the group.

If you have some individual people in your life who like you, and have a good healthy relationship with you, my advice would be to focus on those friendships with those individual people. As sad as it is, the reality is that a PD can destroy an FOC group, the same way they can destroy a FOO group.

In my experience, most people are not Out of the FOG - they will participate in an FOC as long as things are going well for them. Once the PD chaos gets to a certain point during group gatherings, the average person is not going to 'fight' for the group's future...they will just do what works for them. The average person is not going to put in the time and energy to repair the damage caused by a PD within that group.

I once belonged to a healthy group that was taken over by a narcissistic person. The group disbanded quickly after the narcissist arrived on the scene. Prior to this, the group functioned well for several years. No one wanted to address the problem - that the narc had ruined our group. Everyone just left. It is sad.

You are not alone in wanting a healthy functioning FOC. More people are learning about FOG and narc abuse all the time. But this change is slow for society as a whole.

Can you focus on the friendships you have with non-PD folks in your life? Is there someone in your life who understands your grief about the FOC?

It is definitely not your fault that the FOC is not holding together. This is probably like a sports team, where the goalie does their job, but the other team mates miss practice and stop caring about the game. The goalie can do everything right, but they are only one person. People in an FOC are a lot like a team. Everyone had a role to play. Even if you did everything you could to keep the group together, a group requires buy in from each member.  That's what I think anyways.

I do think that the desire to protect our group for a PD's damage and destruction, will remind some of us here of our childhood when we also probably tried to preserve or save our FOO from someone's PD abuse (unsuccessful, since we were children).

I am very sorry you are dealing with this. You will get through this and I know this really sucks.

Trees

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for your kindness, Trees.   As you said, a group can get along enjoying each other for years, maybe even a few decades.  You have the  feeling that it's really dependable.  Then a toxic, controlling person comes along and the speed and depth of the  changes and losses make your jaw drop. 

I guess it doesn't help anything to minimize how immense the loss is in my life.   It's just going to take time to adjust to.  I definitely will and am turning to good friends. 

I can't let the reactivity I feel as a result of being sensitized to this in my FOO paralyze me.  I want to protect myself by hiding.  But what I need is more time with non-family people.  One step at a time . . .

[Breadroll]

This echoes some stuff within my own FOO. I was reflecting on another good post ( lost it now!) regarding overestimating one's importance to family/ friend groups, and putting in effort  which is not really returned.
I had quite an awakening recently - help was promised and would have been very welcome. It was withdrawn with a sort of limp non apology and disregard for the effects of withdrawing help.  I was not included in an event  that  would have been «  standard » .. I am hurt( quietly, not expressed). Thére is a high end pd at the epicenter of all this ( she can't be upset or all hell breaks loose)  I have known this for years, but somehow it had all been smooth for a couple of years.  But realistically it is me that needs to bring back expectations and reduce engagement in line - so I don't get hurt. Am completely sure that pd is extracting huge supply out of manipulating events.  Gleeful even- that's probably a really good description. 
There is perhaps one safer member of the network, and I make efforts so that younger generation can engage- but it's sad. I am sad. And kind of irritated- but I need to drop it and change gear.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry you're also going through this, Breadroll.   I really relate to seeing the person who "can't be upset or all hell breaks loose."  Kind of the tin god of the group.  It's maddening.

Also, being "gleeful" in the face of the destruction their own actions cause.  I remember also seeing this in my FOO when I was little.  It was like the parent was even younger than I was (emotionally).  Only rejoicing over their own power, and unable to relate at all or care about the feelings of the ones they hurt.

This may be immature of me, but there's a line from a song that comes into my mind sometimes with this stuff:  "Ooo, I wouldn't want to be like you."  Not that I would say that to anyone.  But it helps me realize that, even though the person sometimes seems to get away with murder and skip along free of any cares or accountability, I really do believe they are the unfortunate ones.

[Breadroll]

thankyou Lookin- really appreciate your response- and your observations on pd attraction into groups whether foo or foc -it's definitely a thing!  like  it's special Velcro....
And as you say, would never want to be them- despite the apparent " success" of their  strategy.   I married  one( and finally escaped, huge damage) - and another pd married into into my foo. Despite having experienced the behavior remorse less- angry, demanding v and childish ( gosh that hit the nail in the head when you mentioned the emotional immaturity) - distance had made ime mellow.
Lulled into " being family" etc, for literally 3/4 years and then -.... magically excluded  ( which is a pattern, and I should know better).
I do know not to exhibit any reaction, but it is just sad- all the non PDsuffer, but everyone goes along with it because it's easier. A non pd relative had privately offered some money help, reflecting the money I helped them with s decade ago. I was touched . It's not a big sum but I am stretched- I had already committed to the activity and ended up paying a huge sum I can't really afford- as non pd. suddenly said " oh actually I can't".  This is because PD will have gotten into their private affairs and threatened them.   Pd then enjoyed massively knowing the situation, and without saying a word- was so gleeful she nearly burst. Ugh. Vile behavior.

Deep breaths,, chin up  and being grateful not to be them! Phew.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

How unfortunate, putting out the money promised to you and then having them renege.  But I do know how that goes.  The family member whose nature it is to be kind and generous and trustworthy ... but for feeling (F)earful, (O)bliged, & (G)uilty in the face of the pwPD.  So, though it seems like they're there in your life, they're really not.  They're not even there for themselves.  I've been on both ends of it.  It can get to feeling pretty hopeless being under the thumb of the pwPD.  It's aggravating watching a loved one become such an enabler, but I try to have understanding, having been in that role myself at one time.

Being discarded after 34 years sounds very painful.  Losing our FOC is heartbreaking.  Like Bloomie and Trees said, this is a major loss and the hurt goes deep.  I try not to blame myself for having the desire and making the effort to be a part of a family I dearly love, even if there were some signs it might have trouble holding with the PD factor.  Really, I never imagined it could fall apart this completely.  I knew there were strains.  But it never occurred to me it would come to this.  It's like a death.

And having someone rejoice in your pain and loss?  Hard to bear.  Those of us who grew up with that from our parents and elders can be especially sensitized to it.  I'm just trying to see what are the best actions and responses I can have to take good loving care of myself instead of falling into knee jerk protective reactions.  I have to take a little risk to prove to myself that the whole world isn't like the PD and that I am a person who can be loved even when it doesn't feel true.  Act as if, I guess.  It seems to mostly work.  Good luck to you, Breadroll.  Keep letting us know how you're doing.

[Breadroll]

Thanks lookin - it is so strange that the same playbook exists- as you say, the enabler is a kind one, but totally under the control of the pwPD.  And honestly I should know better- it was ghastly from the  moment this PD married in- - over three decades ago- but as children got born etc, cemented into the system. I avoided much drama after moving away- and over the last few short years, it seemed to mellow out, I hosted visits etc, and thd intensity of behaviour was bearable, and it was lovely to be with the non PD members.
I had forgotten ( madness!) that the PD pattern is to include and then exclude people- neighbour, family, etc- and woe betide those who do not go along with it. It's quite long time period for me- I think I was in 4 years- and am now «  out » although there is no clear reason.  She absorbs all resources, must be the centre, throws tantrums - but if going her way is cheerful. Can even say nice things.
I wish money had never been mentioned- I purposely have never been a recipient ever, although I have given generous gifts when I could.  For some reason I was careless - the offer was made, I accepted - and of course- should have known better after three decades of good boundaries. Totally understand my dear kind relative position - an apology would be nice but is unlikely.we must all pretend. It's complex, as I am sure you know in your own situation.. 

My foc is much dimished  as I married s different flavor of PD and divocred- so it's a few friends, adult kids- and if I am honest, struggling s bit recently. Wish I had better networks- know am not alone in this, rethinking life a bit.

  I am so sorry to hear you built a good foc only to have it blown up by PDs - was especially struck by your observation that it's like s death - it really is - s death with no comforting funeral rituals or sympathy from friends for your loss. I thought that after escaping from PDh - if  widowed, imagine the different perspective.  So do much easier!

Maybe we need rituals to help us through....
And to keep s light on in the window for others.  Thankyou for writing about this- your thoughts on self care and not knee jerk protection reactions- that's very insightful ( probably what I have been doing) .

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Breadroll, I'm sorry you're going through this, too.  I think your idea about rituals is a good one.

I'm taking a nosedive right now.  I started another thread to address that more directly.  Thank you for sharing with me, with us.  I hope we will do that some more.