Musings on the pets of PD people

[Tribe16]

Sunday I spent a short day at the home of my parents. I am more convinced than ever of my mother's uPD. I'm convinced that she is a covert narcissist. I was just mad when I left this time, I didn't even cry. Multiple passive aggressive, mean spirited comments, asking me to run errands for her, then criticizing the way I do them. At least I got to spend time with my frail enmeshed brow-beaten dad. But I digress...

Mom's parting shot was the last comment she made before I left. My mother has always rescued neurotic, multiple-time-returned-to- the-shelter dogs. I don't like this dog. He's obnoxious and he never shuts up, he barks incessantly. I realized my mom gets narcissistic supply from her dogs. This dog loves my mom, was jumping all over her and in her cloying baby-talk voice she said, "Oh yes my baby. I love you so much. You are such a good girl. Sister doesn't believe you're a good girl, but I know the truth don't I?"

Barf.

First of all I'm not that dog's sister.

You can't shower love like that on actual humans, so you shower it on your dog.

I'm just curious if you've experienced anything similar - I finally realized, finally -- how disordered my mom really is.

She actually told me that she's always been drawn to love the unlovable. Clearly I am unlovable, she can't bring herself to be thankful or appreciative or supportive of anything I say or do, so that statement is bogus. I'm not saying I'm actually unlovable as I do have wonderful family in my life - but mom's statement is laughable really. She will "love the unlovable" because it feeds her narcissistic supply.

I turned a corner this weekend. I'm not going no contact but she will likely not be hearing from me until the boring and unsentimental birthday card she receives from me in two months. I've had it. Gray Rock City, here I come. 

[moglow]

In a recent conversation with my brother, we agreed that mother has no apparent attachment to any living being. Probably never has. She totally doesn't understand it or the grief when they are very sick or have passed. We talked about pets we had growing up, asked what happened to this or that one - they ... disappeared. I remember one painful deathbed scene with a german shepherd we had, and that's it. Yet I can think of several others that simply ceased to be part of our world with no explanation that I can recall.

She had pets as she was older, horrible yappy little, potty in the house dogs. For years she'd used them as excuses to get off the phone as in "I have to take the dogs out bYe!" But...you have a cell phone? It's not like she actually walked them, she just let them out while she waited on the porch. Eventually she asked my brother to "find them new homes." Turned out they were badly neglected overall, very sick and they had to have help to cross the rainbow bridge.

My point though, she treated animals the same as she does people. There's no real attachment, not much compassion or interest in caring for them or their needs.

[monamurre]

My mom got very weird about pets towards the end of her life when her PD traits really seemed to be coming to the surface. She was competitive about my dog, often speaking to it and saying things like, "you love me the best, don't you...", she occasionally dog sat for us but other than that had no relationship with the dog. She could also be counted on to make a comment about how fat our dog had gotten EVERY time we visited. It was such an odd projections because the little dog was exactly the same weight up until she turned 10 and started putting on a few ounces. One time I predicted that comment just before we opened the door, sure enough mom delivered, "Oh! Look how fat you've gotten!" My daughter almost spit out her drink laughing.

Her relationship with her last dog was downright disturbing. It was a high energy breed and a puppy. Terrible fit for her so there was trouble from the get go. During my second to last visit I was woken up every day by her screaming at the dog, who had predictably escaped and was racing around the yard. Okay, I get it, the high energy dog is frustrating the frail elderly lady. But, she would almost always scream, "why are you doing this to me?!?!.....". Like it was personal, like the dog was trying to make her life miserable and not just being a normal puppy. We offered to pay for a dog walker, implored her to take the dog to a trainer, etc. But, no. She loved having this particular "problem" to gnash her teeth about. It was just sad. One of the boundaries I set for our very last visit was to say that I would not visit if the dog was still there (not because of the dog mind you - the dog was sweet - just very, very untrained and unsocialized). But because I couldn't stand the way the dog's antics got mom all wound up, wailing and rending her garments....I just couldn't take any more of that scene.

[sunshine702]

My mom got us pets growing up - we each got a dog and then she gave them away!!! when they were not "special look at me" anymore.  It was never the creature in front of her it was what that creature or toaster or new lip stick that brought her special attention in the moment.  My poor scapegoated brother when they gave his 2 year old Siberian Husky away!!!! For no terribly good reason.

Both my brother and I love our pets now AS the creature it is.  Not as how it makes us look.  Yeah it sounds like she is trying to use the animal to triangulate you as bad and the  as dog as good and  NEEDING her.  🤢. I am sorry.

Yeah Grey Rock.  That feels just gross.

[notrightinthehead]

Tribe, what if you look at it this way: Your mom can't love you because you are so lovable. And she, the unlovable one, can only love her own kind?

[sandpiper]

I read an article by a psychologist here in Oz, a few years ago. It said that most of the noise complaints that the council have to investigate usually involve an animal owner who has a serious mental health problem (such as personality disorder) or a serious issue with substance abuse.
The ones that we've had in our neighbourhood over the years all seem to fit into that category.
I feel for the animals, they've wound up with people who have series deficiencies and all the animals can do is attempt to cry for help in the only ways that are open to them.
The woman next door to us got sick of that so she somehow managed to convince the vet to do surgery on her godforsaken designer puppy so that it could no longer bark.
DH's comment when I reported this, 'I wonder if the vet could do that to her.'
We are very bad terrible human beings because oh, how I laughed. That woman never stopped talking, it was such a relief when she sold up and moved.

[Tribe16]

My mom got us pets growing up - we each got a dog and then she gave them away!!! when they were not "special look at me" anymore.  It was never the creature in front of her it was what that creature or toaster or new lip stick that brought her special attention in the moment.  My poor scapegoated brother when they gave his 2 year old Siberian Husky away!!!! For no terribly good reason.

Sunshine, that is awful. How sad is that? You reminded me of something - when I was about 10 years old, our two cats just disappeared. My mom decided to take them up in the hills and set them loose - "there would be lots of mice for them to eat" she said. Then she told me I wasn't properly taking care of them - and to be honest, I probably wasn't cleaning their catbox well enough. Now as an adult, I realize they probably became coyote food within the week. She didn't drop them off at the pound but set them loose. Ugh.

Yeah it sounds like she is trying to use the animal to triangulate you as bad and the  as dog as good and  NEEDING her.

I think you're right - she also likes to bring up how the dog just loves my sister. (Yes mom, you've mentioned that 427 times now). They can't just come out and tell you you're lacking/defective, but they'll let you know any sideways way possible.

[donutmoonpanda]

My Mom created the same dynamic with her dogs that she created with me and my brother. One was the good one, and the other was the scapegoat. Even though these dogs had totally different personalities. It was total projection, having nothing to do with reality at all. She viewed both dogs as overly sensitive, anxious, and needy - just like she did with her kids. Visiting her meant listening to her shout at the dogs constantly. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The dogs were wound up because they had company over, and she'd just shout their names in an exasperated way that just made it worse. Then she wondered why her dogs were always on edge. She complains about the dogs all the time, how they make her life harder. Whenever they have an illness or injury, she won't take them to the vet. One dog went blind before she finally had her eye looked at by a doctor. She'll spend money on virtually every stupid thing, but not on the dog. Just like how she was as a mother. She complains about the dogs constantly, but if one died, she'd surely get another right away and set up this same charade again.

This is what I learned from mom's dogs: Nobody can be who they are around her. Everyone has to be whatever strange and nonsensical role she has cast them in, for her own purposes, to suit her own needs. She doesn't see anyone for who they actually are, no matter how much time passes, whether that's a 10-year-old dog or a 40-year-old daughter.

[daisyd0418]

My PD mother's relationship with our dogs is odd . . .she got our first dog a few months before my brother and I turned 16, saying it was "to keep us with her and out of our rooms." My therapist and I are 99% sure my mother has BPD. Similar to how my mother socialized me, she does not let my dogs near ANYBODY. My dogs have INSANE anxiety. Like worse anxiety than I do. They're the sweetest babies to family and close friends, but to strangers, other dogs, and everyday friends, they cower in fear, bark, and sometimes even bite. It's so bad. I was just thinking about this the other day, funny it came up here.

[daisyd0418]

My Mom created the same dynamic with her dogs that she created with me and my brother. One was the good one, and the other was the scapegoat. Even though these dogs had totally different personalities. It was total projection, having nothing to do with reality at all. She viewed both dogs as overly sensitive, anxious, and needy - just like she did with her kids. Visiting her meant listening to her shout at the dogs constantly. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The dogs were wound up because they had company over, and she'd just shout their names in an exasperated way that just made it worse. Then she wondered why her dogs were always on edge. She complains about the dogs all the time, how they make her life harder. Whenever they have an illness or injury, she won't take them to the vet. One dog went blind before she finally had her eye looked at by a doctor. She'll spend money on virtually every stupid thing, but not on the dog. Just like how she was as a mother. She complains about the dogs constantly, but if one died, she'd surely get another right away and set up this same charade again.

This is what I learned from mom's dogs: Nobody can be who they are around her. Everyone has to be whatever strange and nonsensical role she has cast them in, for her own purposes, to suit her own needs. She doesn't see anyone for who they actually are, no matter how much time passes, whether that's a 10-year-old dog or a 40-year-old daughter.

Yup yup and yup. My dogs have insane anxiety. She shouts orders at them and their names constantly, but has never taken the time to properly train them. She sent them to behavioral school as puppies because they were "bad dogs" . . .they never bit or growled, she just never even tried to teach them "stay." Similar to how she was with me growing up. I was expected to do tricks at every beck and call, and was degraded when I didn't live up to her expectations. So true about the fact that no one can be themselves around her. I experience this same thing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That comment above about how mom felt drawn to "love the unlovable" struck a chord. We never had pets, too much money, dramatic allergies, etc. But my mother would target kids to "adopt" and play the hero. She had no interest in her own grandchildren, but she worked in school settings and childcare and there was always that one child who would be in her crosshairs as the main supply source. One who had some kind of problems, one who struggled socially, was overweight and unpopular, something that marked them as a misfit. Visits and phone calls with her would be full of the stories about the targeted kid and how much she's helped him and how grateful the parents are to her, etc. She did this when we were still children, too. Being a scout leader and singling out as worthy of special attention the girl who was always rude to me. It was really messed up. And it really made scouts miserable until she was no longer my leader!

I'm definitely noticing similar notes of rejecting you in mother's favor of the yappy miserable dog. Dogs and an unhappy child in the group are relatively easy to control. They can also be easily discarded. The pets disappearing, released in the woods, euthanized. The favored child could and did get dropped suddenly and as arbitrarily as they were chosen. A school year ending often brought about out of sight out of mind, and the favored one was nothing to mother the following year. I remember thinking that the kid must have changed schools or something only to find that wasn't true, she'd just replaced them. Me, I was too "difficult". And she had to put up with me.

[Tribe16]

I'm definitely noticing similar notes of rejecting you in mother's favor of the yappy miserable dog. Dogs and an unhappy child in the group are relatively easy to control. They can also be easily discarded. The pets disappearing, released in the woods, euthanized. The favored child could and did get dropped suddenly and as arbitrarily as they were chosen. A school year ending often brought about out of sight out of mind, and the favored one was nothing to mother the following year. I remember thinking that the kid must have changed schools or something only to find that wasn't true,

Cordelia, thanks for your response - it's one I had not considered. I almost feel that mom has a way with pets, and they do seem to worship her... dogs anyway. I think she gets supply from them. They don't talk back, they bark at others who "invade her space"... I dunno. I've tried to mull over the "loving the unlovable" concept with her. For a very long time, the one thing I had a hard time finding was the penchant for grandiosity - mom is introverted, very martyr-ish and super PA, but grandiose? I never really spotted it, but when we had the conversation about "loving the unlovable", I kind of realized she was seeing herself as a Mother Teresa figure. That's all well and good, but at home, Mother Teresa she ain't. I think I've figured out that's where the grandiosity plays out in her world. There are other things, she's never wrong, she never apologizes for anything, nobody can do most things as well as she can so she has to do it herself (martyr), yada yada... at the end of the day, she wants people to realize she is a Mother Teresa, where a really humble and giving person just goes about their business quietly without letting everybody know about it.