What does 'moving forward' look like?

[Mons]

I've realised that my personal idea of this is exclusively work/study focused. It's one of the many effects of my family situation. I was a straight-A kid in school but after my NPD dad walked out on us when I was 18 my mom's side of the family were critical of me for not dropping my education to get a job and support her (she herself didn't expect this of me btw). This very quickly morphed into me defiantly clinging to education for dear life and refusing to get any job that wasn't directly related to what I was studying. The past 18 years has been a vicious circle of study-> can't get job-> reinforces idea I'm a waste of space-> 'what else can I study'?-> study etc.

Recently I've been able to step back and think hang on, does the fact that in those 18 years I went NC with abusive family members/friends and recovered from an eating disorder, self harming, and a drug problem not count as 'moving forward'? Am I only 'moving forward' if I'm in education or employment?

So really I'm posting to ask what 'moving forward' means to others? I've been this way for so many years I struggle to frame it in a way that isn't education/employment related. Of course we all need money so employment is something we have to think about. But having this as my main focus just isn't working- and hasn't ever worked in hindsight. But we have to focus on it to get money right? I'm paralysed tbh.

[bloomie]

Oh, Mons! You are onto something big here. This is an important question. I really appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this.

You have already identified significant, life altering, affirming areas that you have conquered and that are most certainly evidence of you moving forward. 

Moving forward looks different to us all, I am sure. And accomplishments can certainly be a milestone of self discipline and determination.

To simply sum up moving forward to me is when I see areas of strengthening emotional maturity, resilience, consistency, and strong character in my thoughts, beliefs, and choices. And, this is proving to be key for me, the wisdom to know when and how to let go of so many past hurts and of relationships that no longer are workable.

Just a few thoughts! Sending you much strength as you think this through!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Mons,  there is a lot of wisdom and insight in your post.  What an interesting question to ponder.

Just off the top of my head, moving forward might be -- having more courage in being emotionally honest with others;  taking good, loving care of myself and treating myself as someone who is as worthy of respect as anyone;  worrying less about what others think of me;  not taking things too seriously, including myself;  and finding a good balance of being of service without unhealthy caretaking.

Congratulations on all the recovery you've done!  That's really something to appreciate! 

[moglow]

@Mons in a recent thread of my own in Elderly PD forum, I shared:

I don't know if it comes across, but all of this information is coming from a remove, like an "it's finally, honestly not my stuff" remove. She's gonna do what she's gonna do and I don't have a dog in that particular hunt. There's no desire on any level whether to delve for further information or attempt to fix any of her stuff. I've become a fairly disinterested by-sitter. How disappointed she'd be. But me? I'm grateful.

I have been at all this and continuing to understand the PD level behavior for many years now. After all I've been through with her, the sheer lack of drama and emotion over my mother's current situation is just such good stuff. Bloomie suggested  that it's an excellent example of my "moving forward."

Remember, we're multidimensional beings - we're not just family or work or school or physical etc. I think as long as we ARE moving, doing, learning on whatever level, it's moving forward, Where we might have a lack in one area, we're picking up elsewhere. I have a tendency [at times still] to obsessively replay old or possible future conversations with her, but I'm learning to shake it off more quickly rather than get and stay in that rabbit hole. I seek out productive distractions and carry on - that's becoming more natural with every day that passes.

Moving forward.

[1footouttadefog]

You are moving forward.  You have passed over some rough ground and large hurdles and challenges to get where you are now.

Just the fact that you are processing this very topic is evidence of the fact you are poised to keep moving forward.

Your path is not there path and they don't know or appreciate your specific challenges or the strength and bravery spent meeting them.

My husband and I were criticized and looked down on by many in both sides of the family for having less than great jobs.  I spent decades going to college a class or two at a time when I could afford to do so.  Looking back I did this in part to justify my place on the employment ladder.  We lived a simple life were debt free and it really was not a problem for anyone to even be worrying about.  When kids came along were were looked down on for my working from home to stay home with them then later for homeschooling. One of the most contentious  things we did ( did not actually) was to not have cable or satellite TV.  It drove people crazy. 

Moving forward looks different for all of us because we all have different stuff to deal with and different challenges.

For me moving forward was abandoning my educational pursuits and recreating myself as a computer repair tech and small business consultant. For 12 years I worked with people and helped them meet theor goals.  It was fascinating because my clients were largely elderly or self employed and a lot were both.  I saw so many different types of challenges and life paths and so many different sets of goals and dreams that were on the other side of those challenges.

If you are overcoming or addressing or processing or minimizing or healing from the things that stand between you and your best life, you are moving forward. 

     

[monamurre]

A very interesting question. One I am currently pondering so I don't have a fully formed response.

I think part of moving forward for me is no longer believing the world view or the view of myself that my UBPD mother inculcated. In a word the view of myself my mom instilled would be "worthless".

I saw in my mom and recognized that I had adopted for myself a feeling that we didn't have inherent worth and needed to prove that we are valuable. I too invested a lot of time and energy into getting an education (to prove that I was worthy not because I had a particular interested in any field). I also see a tendency for both my mom and myself to volunteer for the worst/hardest jobs (again to prove that we are worthy within our social groups). So, for me part of moving on is to ditch those feelings of perpetual worthlessness. I wish achieving that were as easy as thinking it!

[Boat Babe]

I think that a lot of what we think we should be doing is purely what our culture tells us we should be doing. I think it's really good to stop, observe and question pretty much everything. I personally think that we aspire to so many myths:

Romantic Love and Happy Ever After - just doesn't happen for everybody and creates terrible shame and feelings of failure for those who don't achieve it - people stay in abusive situations because of it - religious and social structures make it difficult for people who don't buy into/get burned by the myth etc etc

The professional career - a more recent myth that has people burning out from overwork, tied to toxic workplaces, spending 40+ years in an office cubicle servicing an employer who doesn't give a hot damn about them, developing work related illnesses etc etc

Wealth - having a big house, three cars, new everything - toxic toxic toxic (and bad for the planet)

Beauty - perfect bodies, for ever - cue eating disorders and a fortune spent on beauty products all the way to plastic surgery

I could go on. You don't have to "move forward" if you don't want to. You can live a quiet, simple life full of personal growth, inner healing, compassion for yourself and the world around you, artistic appreciation and creation, action on behalf of the less fortunate/the oppressed/the natural world.

I'm getting to the age when I go to more funerals than weddings and I am struck by the differences - weddings tend to be similar in tone, the differences being very superficial. Funerals differ starkly; there are those where it's standing room only and the deceased has left a huge hole in many people's lives and will be sorely missed by everyone. Then there's the ones where people only turn up for the sake of the children or other family members who need support and the celebrant is really struggling to say anything of value about the deceased. All that remains of us is the love in the hearts of the people we loved. That is what we need to work on.