I need an objective view and/or analysis of what just happened

[feenix]

I'm currently coming down from being badly triggered from a sudden explosive family interaction. I'm not sure if this should be posted here or in the elderly PD section. But anyway, here's some background for context:

My parents are both still alive, living in their own home and in their 90's. Dad is the controlling, grandiose, self involved N and mum is his enabler, with her own PD issues of codependency and possible borderline traits, both undiagnosed. I am the family scapegoat and my sister was/is the golden child, but she has woken up to the big picture, sees what's really been going on and works with me to manage the situation. I have recently been asked to take over their finances, because dad can no longer see well enough and mum doesn't have the cognitive capacity.

I've been trying to lodge a POA with their bank and their insurance company, but it's been difficult trying to get it accepted, it's been a nightmare and dad in his usual fashion is impossible to deal with and making the process much harder than it needs to be. I don't only have to navigate bureaucracy and systems I'm unfamiliar with, but have to tiptoe around a difficult personality at the same time.

Both my sister and me, for our own wellbeing try to be as LC as possible, but today was a rare occasion where we all sat around the table talking. We had gone for mother's day, to give mum her gifts and to have a chat. Dad had gone back to bed after a disappointing morning shopping, but mum insisted on getting him up to talk to us.

I few weeks back, I had taken dad to the bank to withdraw some money, as he recently lost his ability to drive. It didn't go well because he was attempting to control the route which I took, and became extremely upset and angry when I ignored his directions and drove the way I was directed by my GPS app. It turned into a huge, extended triangulated 'thing' which left the whole family distraught for several weeks, just because I hadn't gone the way he told me to. He started a smear campaign against me, which didn't work very well.

Fast forward to today, we were discussing the best way to handle the situation of dad being able to access cash, now that he can't drive. Because the bank is reluctant to accept the POA, I'm in the process of arranging to have my sister and me included in their accounts, so we can manage the finances  like that, and subsequently be able to withdraw cash for dad.  My sister suggested that option, and dad counteracted her suggestion by saying there's a more simple solution, that I just take him up to the bank to withdraw some cash when it runs out, like as if he had forgotten what happened a few weeks ago.

I took a deep breath, knowing that it wasn't going to go over well, and gently tried to remind him of what happened. I said "That might not be so easy" he angrily demanded to know why not.  So I reminded him of when I last took him to the bank, and that he didn't enjoy the experience.

He started ranting about how it was my fault because I listened to my mother and went the wrong way, something about how she doesn't like a particular road and had warned me not to go that way. None of which was true, she hadn't told me anything, I use my GPS app because that's what I feel comfortable doing, and it avoids all the construction which is going on around here. Then mum started shouting at him, saying it had nothing to do with her, that she didn't tell me anything. The tone of his voice became very hostile, reminding me of stuff from childhood I guess and I felt the old terror start to rise and my brain going offline. I just wanted to disappear, and had to do something to make it stop. So I started coughing, loudly, but they kept on shouting at each other, so I coughed more and stumbled over to the sink to get some water, they kept going, the hostility and aggression in my dad voice increasing more and more, mum arguing with him, escalating the situation. My sister, uncharacteristically shouted at both of them, she said something like " What is wrong with the both of you, look what you are doing to feenix, you are arguing about a road, stop it!!"

I was by the sink, triggered, coughing and drinking water, I only half heard what was going on, but dad challenged her and asked her what was wrong, and didn't she like a good argument. She told him no, and if they want to carry on like that they should do it when they are alone. I don't think my sister has ever stood up to dad like that before, being the golden child, previously she has always placated him.

I no longer felt safe being there, and realized that I could leave. Previously when caught in a situation like that, I've felt like a deer caught in headlights, stuck, unable to move, or think clearly, trapped and helpless while being attacked. But this time I realized I could leave and proceeded to gather up my stuff, harness my dog and say it was time for me to go. My sister headed off to the bathroom.  I noticed dad just sitting there, calm, with an almost contented look on his face. He wasn't disturbed at all at what he had just caused.

I don't know, but I can't help feeling like he was just waiting for an opportunity to create some havoc, to ruin mothers day, to throw a wrench in a calm, mature discussion about something important, that wasn't centered on him. But I'm doubting this perception, how can I be so cynical? Surely I'm inventing this agenda and projecting it onto him?? Right??

I'm left feeling bad, like as if I have done something wrong by confronting dad with his previous experience and behavior. Not that I confronted him, I just answered his question about why me taking him to the bank again isn't a good idea. I'm telling myself that I should have known how he would react and that I should have found a way to avoid answering the question. But I was already triggered and my brain wasn't working properly. I felt like when I was a child and the focus of his anger and he was demanding that I explain myself. The old patterns are so easily triggered, even now that I'm 60 years old, have raised my own child, retired and manage my own life just fine.

Comments and other perspectives much appreciated.

[Happypants]

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this.  Your family roles sound almost identical to those of my family, with me being the SG.  My parents take a more covert, passive-aggressive approach to keeping me in my role, but I can identify fully with your perception of the contentment on your father's face after causing a storm.  It sounds very much like he's (in his head) offloaded his anger and bitterness (perhaps about the previous bank visit) and is gaining supply from your reaction.  May I say, I think you're in a position of advantage given that you and your sister are now a united front, and you feel empowered to walk away when he does this.  I know there's the frustration that he may be completely unaware that you've upheld a strong boundary by choosing to leave, but YOU advocated for yourself in the situation.  Another thought - he may appear to have been calm, if not pleased with himself, however, that may have been stubborn determination to mask panic he may have been experiencing due to you and your sister showing a united front. 

Please remember that every time you advocate for yourself, you're laying the foundations for reducing their ability to trigger you in the future x

[Leonor]

Hi Feenix,

Oh, good for you! You did great, even if you're feeling rocked from the aftershocks of this horrible reenactment of familial violence that left you retraumatized.

"He was just waiting for an opportunity to create some havoc, to ruin mothers day, to throw a wrench in a calm, mature discussion about something important, that wasn't centered on him."

Bingo!

I bet he's also suffering from a narcissist collapse precipitated by losing his ability to control his wife, life, and finances. What is a major life change and source of stress and grief for healthy people will likely be a volcano-hot spout of rage for your father.

Wise, lovely, healing Feenix, you are in your rights to protect yourself. This is a problem, but it is a logistical problem.  Let's say you are out of the picture. You are not an option. You're an astronaut on the international space station, okay? Like, not on this planet. Not an option.

Okay, so how can someone in your parents situation get money / groceries / a clean house / medical care? Brainstorm with your sister. You're both on the Space Station. What plan can you two come up with from outer space to facilitate these logistical problems?

[SonofThunder]

Wise, lovely, healing Feenix, you are in your rights to protect yourself. This is a problem, but it is a logistical problem.  Let's say you are out of the picture. You are not an option. You're an astronaut on the international space station, okay? Like, not on this planet. Not an option.

Okay, so how can someone in your parents situation get money / groceries / a clean house / medical care? Brainstorm with your sister. You're both on the Space Station. What plan can you two come up with from outer space to facilitate these logistical problems?

+1

SoT

[FromTheSwamp]

Have your dad write a check to one of you for the amount he wants, then you can bring him the cash.  Yes, it's a clunky, old-fashioned way to get it done, but it works, and in a way they can understand. 

Sometimes I have to give up on the obvious way to accomplish something, and think, how would I have made this work 35 years ago?   That's the world your parents are still living in. 

Alternatively, let him run out of cash.  There is always a way around using cash.  Let him figure it out.

[notrightinthehead]

You were asking for an outside view:

When you

I took a deep breath, knowing that it wasn't going to go over well, and gently tried to remind him of what happened. I said "That might not be so easy" he angrily demanded to know why not.  So I reminded him of when I last took him to the bank, and that he didn't enjoy the experience.

You were taking the bait, started JADEing and involved yourself in the drama your parents enjoy. It's normal for someone having grown up in that situation, you got triggered and had a trauma response. You started to cough in a futile effort to derail the situation, maybe deflect attention onto you and your bad health in that moment. In vain. The drama train was rolling.  But then something good happened - you became aware that you could leave something that clearly wasn't good for you. And you did. Well done!

Next time you have studied the Toolbox some more and medium chill the bait. Your father will be frustrated when you don't help him stirring up a fight, but that will be his problem to deal with.  You just won't pick up the rope. He cannot fight with you. Because you medium chill and grey rock all his provocations.

As for the administration/bank it's a nuisance and I remember the running around they gave me, but you will get it done in the end. Just focus on the goal, not the irritating obstacles in your way. It helps me to tell myself- these people try to prevent abuse, they can't, but it's a good thing that they make it a bit harder.

I don't know, but I can't help feeling like he was just waiting for an opportunity to create some havoc, to ruin mothers day, to throw a wrench in a calm, mature discussion about something important, that wasn't centered on him. But I'm doubting this perception, how can I be so cynical? Surely I'm inventing this agenda and projecting it onto him?? Right??

You are not cynical. You are spot on. If your father is anything like my NPDh,  when there is havoc, he is the center of attention. And he controls the scene. Emotional turmoil is his expertise, he knows it best, he is master, he feels comfortable. That's why he had that satisfied look, he had gotten his fill.

[sunshine702]

The insanity of the CAT 5 storm over which way to go to the bank.  You got there didn't you sheesh!!!  That is so Controlling PD!  And then to blame your mom and feel smug about the argument later yep.  Seen that before. We 1000 percent believe you. 

What you are describing is the fight, flight, freeze response.  You dealt with it fine.  Don't doubt yourself — that is THEIR bad tape playing not the reality.

Most of all I am sorry you are going through that.  It is stressful!  So I will ask — what nice thing did you do for yourself then?  That is what I have started asking myself in those moments.