I'm Terrified That I May Be Developing PD!

[PeaceBeStill]

Hi, I'm new. I felt it was urgent for me to find an outlet for my current state.
I'm afraid I may be developing signs of PD.

My mom speaks for me to everyone when I'm in the room with her if anyone directs a statement at me. I don't remember when it began. I probably just thought it was a gesture of endearment. But then I began to notice it when she would jump in and respond to something directed at me, and say all the wrong things. Sometimes, she would overshare. Othertimes she would fill in the parts of her response with assumptions, which were frequently wrong, but nonetheless, it started to make me uncomfortable that she took over my conversations with guests who came around and anyone really whenever the both of us were in the same room.

Eventually, I couldn't speak to my dad because she would appear whenever she heard us talking in the living room, which is the only place my dad and I could talk because he works a lot. He's only home for a few hours each day and so we'd catch up a little whenever we saw each other.

Anyway, so for years I went without talking to him because it got worse, what mom was doing. For instance, if we'd had a disagreement that day, she'd call him or drive up to his place of work and tell him her side of the story and exaggerate and make me out to be the agitator who caused it, and worse, she'd say things that made sure he was embarrased infront of his workmates so that he'd come home and beat me up. And because of going so long without actually talking, I wouldn't know how to defend myself because I wouldn't be able to get a word in between her stroking the fire and his beating me. I'd then go cry in my room while she would remain with him to cement her story and convince him I was the problem. And then she would tell him he's the reason I'm the problem and say nasty things about his side of the family so he'd leave to go back to work.

So for years, growing up, I lost touch with my dad and we could never be in the same room together without her joining us so that no conversation would be had in her absence. My dad got lost in her lies about me so that we barely say anything to each other at home. We used to be so close, he would teach me everything as a kid because I followed him everywhere. He loved me so much and would take me to his workplace, and I grew up wanting to be just like him until i finished highschool.

I'm about to graduate from college and sometimes I see my mother in decisions I make. I've grown cold to people. I can't care about anyone because she's destroyed all my relationships. She asks around my school about my and then draws the worst possible conclusions about anything she finds out and goes telling everyone her conclusions so that now, I imagine that everyone sees me as she does and would do the same thing to me that she's done.

My uncle asked me a few months ago to go stay with them a little because his wife (my aunt) was very sick. I jumped at the opportunity because I also needed some time away from home, and I had missed my cousins a lot. They'd need a distraction from all the adult worry for my aunt's health. When she'd been discharged and was feeling better, I asked for fare to go back home to get ready for my last semester. He told me that she's asked him to keep me there. So he wasn't letting me leave just yet. My aunt gave me the fare and less than a day after I'd returned home, she was already saying how she'd never wanted me to return. She wants me to get married as soon as possible. I've come to hate the idea of marriage and family and having gotten so used to being alone, there's no chance I'm doing it willingly. I have a boyfriend but knowing her, I can't risk introducing him to either her or my dad. There are thoughts I hav lately that...I mean, things are not as clear as they used to be when I was away in highshool. I justify some things that I never would have. And they are things she would justify too. I don't really know how to describe it. ButbI'm scared I'll turn into her and hate myself...I feel lost. Like I don't know who I am bc my mind is filled with all these insecurities about what the world expects of me vs who I really amd and that what if I am all the things she's been telling people about me? What if I am just like her and I end up hurting someone someday the way she's hurt me, and be completely obvlivious about it or okay with it? She did raise me. I've spent my whole life watching her. What if subconsciously, I have adopted her behaviour and personality and it's only a matter of time before it manifests? I believe that words have power in them. Especially those of a parent.

And what if my partner, if I ever dexide to get into marriage, is exactly like her because I read somewhere that a person seeks a mate that's closest to what she saw modelled by a parent growing up? What if my child suffers from the loneliness I've suffered because of me? And what if it all happens so smoothly that I'm oblivious  to the harm I'd be causing and people feel toward me then how I feel about her now?

[moglow]

Bless you also. <3

I suspect you have a hard case of fleas, where you're believing what you've been told because it's been said so many times. That's the bad news - the good news is, you're AWARE something is wrong. You're [hopefully] willing to address it and accept responsibility for yourself, and only yourself. You're not responsible for her lies, what she says or who she says it to, not her opinions or whether or not she can appreciate you on any level. Not your stuff. YOUR stuff is to address what you can where you can within yourself, to hold yourself with grace, dignity and respect regardless of other people's choices. Not always easily done but it does become easier once you get used to it.

Short story is, personality disorders are literally normal behaviors and responses taken to extremes. Everyone is angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc sometimes. Everyone has disagreements or simple differences of opinion. Everyone has bad days. Normal thinking functioning people realize this - but when ALL [or most of] a person's days are bad, they only have negative things to say, their anger/frustration/disappointment is over the top and maladaptive, everything is seen as good/bad, all/nothing, black/white, either/or, it's a big problem. They're not likely to admit or talk about it, but surely somewhere under there, they realize it's not normal - so they blame others.

Contrary to whatever your mother seems to believe, you don't have to get married to leave home. Culturally speaking that may be the accepted "norm" but it still doesn't have to work that way. Not that you need my input but getting married when you're feeling so disoriented and insecure would be a horrible idea. I'd suggest starting where you are. At the earliest opportunity, do what you need to do to support yourself and become independent of her. Get a job or two, find a roommate or two and go. Don't be dependent on her for anything she can take away - she may help and that help may have strings attached. Cut the strings off before she has opportunity. Limit your interaction with her if you can. If she talks over you in front of others, stop politely to let her finish then carry on with your conversation. Or pointedly tell the person while she's there, "It seems we'll have to talk some other time. I'll give you a call, or maybe we can plan on lunch/dinner one day soon?" I'm not saying be aggressive or impolite, but assertive. Don't be erased or sit there while others are.

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." You've been seeing this a while now - and you don't have to live your life that way. It's not easy but baby steps will get you moving. Small choices. Quiet strength. Kindness and compassion, starting with yourself. I bet you have more within you than you think.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I have had similar fears. I certainly have fleas. How could I not? I did not have children partly because I feared turning into my mother. I recognise some/many of my mother's behaviour patterns in myself. She brought me up to be a miniature version of her and it was always safest to reflect her rather than be myself. So it's no wonder my knee-jerk behaviour patterns reflect what I was conditioned to do. I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and promptly diagnosed myself as a BPD Hermit. My therapist had fun talking me down from that one! I am not really sure who I am or what I enjoy or dislike, but I am now (in my 50s) finding out.

My therapist pointed out that even if I have some sort of personality disorder (she thinks I don't) , these things exist on a spectrum. It is highly unlikely I have any more than fleas and I am certainly not my mother. I think you need to find out who you are, what you like, what you dislike, and what you want. You need to be gentle and curious with yourself. You need to learn to trust yourself. If you have a reaction that you don't like (e.g. being cold to people) then maybe experiment with trusting them just a little and see what happens. Another thing I feared greatly was doing anything that my mother likes. I have recently taken up colouring. I had been reading about how relaxing it is (my stress levels are usually through the roof) but my mother likes drawing and painting so I feared this made me similar to her. My therapist pointed out that people all over the world like art work and enjoying it myself does not make me like my mother. How I approach the activity is what is important. For example mother always wants praise. She shoves her drawings under everyone's nose and expects compliments. I just quietly do my colouring for me.

You have done well to recognise the problems at hand. Now you can work on healing yourself and finding out what you want. Then, if and when you feel ready for a long-term partnership or marriage, you will be approaching that from a place of emotional maturity. You will be choosing to spend time with another person because you want to and not because they are triggering some familiar emotional circuits your mother wired into you. And you will trust yourself to be a good mother. I am happy for you that you have realised the problem early enough to do something about it. I did not realise the issues with my mother until it was too late for me to have children. I would not say that is a constant source of regret to me, because I choose for it not to be. I cannot change the situation. But I am sometimes sad that I don't have children because I now realise that I could have been a good mother.

I wish you all the very best.

[SonofThunder]

Hello blessyou!   

First a very warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  I am happy that you have registered, introduced yourself and now walk the PD trails alongside a large group of very kind, caring and experienced people from all over the world.  We all walk together. You are not alone. 

Both moglow and NarcKiddo have mentioned 'fleas'. I want to provide you the Out of the FOG link to that term, so you may read more (very bottom of this reply).  That term is found inside the wonderful information in the Toolbox tab on the upper right side of each page.  I suggest you explore that entire Toolbox tab in depth and actually, since you are a new hiker on the trail, pitch your tent there at the Toolbox tab for a while so you can study and absorb some of the wonderful tools/techniques to assist you in self-protection and understanding. 

To the left of the Toolbox tab is the Personality Disorders tab, on some day-hikes, venture over to that Personality Disorders tab and possibly start aligning some of the top 100 traits with the experiences you have faced with your PD person.  Doing so, may assist you in your confidence regarding what you experience and also encourage you that Out of the FOG is a place where you may learn, find camaraderie and make online friendships with others who walk this same trail alongside you. 

We always leave a few empty chairs around the campfires of the forum board topics so please grab a chair, unlace and remove your hiking shoes and stretch your weary toes near the warm friendly fires of chat, here at Out of the FOG. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

[Srcyu]

She's done that to you because she was terrified of you becoming better than her and jealous of your past relationship with your father.
Her fear made her keep you in the only role she was comfortable with - that of the underdog. It made her feel better.

I found that the more I understood about the motives behind the behaviour the better I felt. Basically they are not nice people.

You are not like her. If you were - she would have treated you better. She needed to keep you down because - you are a better person then she is in lots of ways and she knows it.


milly

[PeaceBeStill]

I'm grateful that you all took your time to help me see things clearly. It's hard sometimes to see her as a bad person because she's my mother. And it's almost Mothers' Day so there's this pressure I feel around such days to erase the pain I feel from her actions and words. To convince myself I'm the one who mistook her actions for attacks.

[moglow]

Hello again! I came back to this, hoping to shed a little light and comfort, and a bit of tough love for you. Consider me a caring aunt, if you will.

Those of us raised in situations like you describe, we react as we know, how we were trained from a young age. We pretty much know what their expectations are and all the "Musts" and "Must nots" that come into play. We understand those rules. We weren't taught that every relationship with every person needs boundaries, whether stated outright or they're implied. Hell, we weren't even aware that was a possibility. We didn't know that sometimes the best response is no response, but we did know that we don't always have that option. Our parents had ironclad control over our every thought, word and deed. And we knew that control and their expectation could and would flip on a dime, that the unexpected and unexplained [and often, unapologetic] was right there waiting in the shadows. We learned by doing.

As adults -and you are one, whether your parents want to admit it or not- things change. We learn new things and we experience more of the world around us. We see other families that are *nothing* like ours and it's stunning! There's not an undercurrent of danger, others aren't tiptoeing around or ignoring/avoiding their parents and families. When they disagree, they're not necessarily disagreeable in the process - and even when they are, everyone moves on and just agrees to disagree. Or not. It doesn't automatically become a battering ram that's thrown at them over and over again.

Everything doesn't have to be [and typically isn't] black/white, good/bad, all/nothing, either/or - whatever bad these two people have decided it is. There are many many shades of gray. EVERYONE has bad days, tough times, disagreements, letdowns, etc. If their whole life and all you hear is BAD HORRIBLE AWFUL, that's on them, not you. You're not responsible for all the ills in the world [nor are they!], but remember that they have choices just like you do. Your mother isn't necessarily a "bad person" - her *behavior* is the problem. How she treats you is the problem. Thing is, you're not accountable for that, SHE is. You are and will always be responsible for your own behavior, whatever it is. Their choices don't have to be yours - you can choose to do and be better than what you've been taught. 

Living in their house and being dependent on them makes it impossible to be no contact with them.  I'm guessing they pay for most if not everything - that's not no contact by any stretch of the imagination. Trying to ignore and not speak to someone who supports you financially would likely come across as childish and somewhat petty; it doesn't portray you as the adult you want to become and be seen as. I understand big picture where your thoughts may be, but you live in their house, eat their food, etc. Limiting "conversation" [confrontations] is likely your best course of action but beyond that it's going to be hard no matter how you look at it.

I'd challenge you to switch it up, for yourself and regardless of their response to it. Be accountable for your own behavior and learn how to treat others *as you'd like to be treated*. You can't possibly control others, but you can always control yourself and your own, know what I mean? Your personal choices do matter, both now and as you go forward.

I'm suggesting you locate and hold on to polite, respectful, kind, compassionate behavior - first for yourself and extend same to those around you whoever they may be. We really do teach people how to treat us. Regardless of how we're treated, if we come back with ugliness and spite [as I did, too many times!] what purpose will it serve? We'll continue to beat ourselves up and feel bad, and who wants more of that??

Just think about it. What [even small things] can you change to make this time easier for yourself and hopefully more pleasant overall, until you're in a position to move out into your independence? Remember that what others do and say is always about them and their stuff, not yours. You don't become that awful terrible disrespectful person unless you choose it. Learn to be that person you can be proud of.