uPDW wants therapy

[Gman22]

I've been aware of my wife's behavior as very destructive - tends towards NPD / BPD type behaviors.

I am married with 3 kids age 16, 12, 11 and I have been trying to keep things together for the sake of not leaving kids with her in a divorce.

My grey rock and boundaries are great.  My kids are supported and have gotten much healthier.   however, wife seems to be breaking down in the context of all the grey rock around her.

She has said she wants therapy. 

****  Any advice on how to refer her to someone?  ****

I feel like I know what her issues are but i can't say all of that to her.   Also - $$$ is a real problem for us, compounded by her issues, and therapy is expensive.

I am first going to protect my kids and myself.  But I do still have compassion for wife.   

Ideally I will be shown a chance to file for divorce and getting kids.  Seems like that may happen if her antics get too bad.  Mostly able to keep the worst behavior from happening in front of the kids so far by having strict boundaries for what I won't tolerate.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Gman,

Sorry you are experiencing this. Your wife is an adult and knows enough about herself and that therapy is an option, to find one for herself if needed. 

In your situation, I would simply not give her any advice, yet if she chooses to go to therapy herself, then support her decision yet discuss a very real financial issue, so choosing an option that may fit the shared budget. 

Many times the PD is baiting the non by comments of therapy and if you assist or try to dissuade, you become the persecutor in the 🔺Karpman drama triangle roles. If you calmly and quietly support, you may avoid that role.

100% I do not recommend joining her in therapy, which she possibly may suggest since you may not attempt to dissuade her from private therapy, therefore this current thought by her, may actually be bait for the joint therapy request. Your denial of joint, will have you squarely in that 🔺 persecutor role.  PD's must land themselves in the victim role on that 🔺, but they may have to be the persecutor and/or rescuer for a short period, in order to get home to 'victim'.

SoT

[Gman22]

Excellent insight, thx SoT.  Yes, I've quietly supported whatever she thinks she can do to help herself.

I also considered that she would ask me to join and I can see the futility of that exercise. 

Also good to know that there is no escaping the persecution that will come with it...that's as I assumed.  Concurrently I have become quite able to elevate above that.

[SonofThunder]

I've quietly supported whatever she thinks she can do to help herself.

So maybe you were thinking of altering your past method of quiet support?  Therefore asking your Out of the FOG comrades:

"Any advice on how to refer her to someone?"

Did your past quiet support not work out in ways you had hoped? 

SoT

[Gman22]

I've been supportive of her self care that's healthy like getting sleep, taking a relaxing bath or doing a workout. Much of her attempt to self sooth are not healthy though. 

Her comment about seeking therapy just came recently. Initially it was in the context of needing to bolster against my horrible treatment of her (grey rock) but quickly became just therapy for her to cope.

My comments so far on her latest idea for therapy have been supportive in a general sense.   I have said therapy may be helpful.

So yes, my posting here on FOG was to tease out the idea of how to help her help herself. 

Your reply reminds me that I can't help her and a likely chance that anything I do actively will get turned around. 

Past quiet support does not help, no.  She constantly shidts between irrational and rational.  Balanced and moderated emotions to total disregulation and then back. Much of that seems to get blamed on my lack of engagement.   

[Poison Ivy]

As a person whose life was saved (yes, literally) by therapy, I probably would never discourage another person from getting therapy. However, I also think that therapy helps only if the patient is willing to honestly participate in it and only if the therapist is willing to not accept BS from the patient. 

[LemonLime]

Gman, I really hope that she gives you an opportunity for divorce with at least some custody of the kids.
These people are a no-win.

[tommom]

Agreed, Poison Ivy!

So sorry to hear your story Gman, but I recognize it.

My PDh is in therapy again, first was for about three weeks when it "just isn't working". Decided that he needed prescrip meds. Went to a psychiatrist and saw the assistant (which made him mad - maybe not important enough?). After a week or two went back to the LCSW (the first therapist). Tossed the meds.

In mine's case it is always looking for the right supply. When I first knew him and then married him, I was well-trained by a BPD mom. Now I have learned how to get around his ploys for attention pretty well after all these years (thanks to Out of the FOG) and those suggested books and get on with my own life. 

SofT is right. She should find her own; using you to do is - in my humble opinion - a ploy to get supply and attention from you. (After 50 years of marriage and my BPDm, I recognize it!) You can still be a good spouse but take care of YOU and your kids!

Best of luck!

[Gman22]

Thanks all.  Great to have a group of folks with so much experience to lean on.  Doing so much better overall now than I was 6-8 months ago.  Same holding true for my kids too, I believe.

[notrightinthehead]

Like others have suggested, my NPDh used the therapy card as a hook. He mentioned therapy and I got all enthusiastic and hopeful, thinking that maybe there was still a way to make the marriage work, and I was disappointed every time. The worst experiences I had were with couples' counseling.
So quiet support "that's an excellent idea" and no action on your part,  will show you how serious that intention is.

[Gman22]

Yes, her interest quickly waned after her comment.  May resurface again or other 'remedies' if she is in a collapsed state - i'll stay very focused on keeping myself and my kids whole.