It's all hitting me right now

[easterncappy]

I'm sitting here, typing up an account of what happened since my dad died in another tab, on another website. And it all just hit me. I'm crying right now thinking about it all. I'm on such bad terms with my mom that I wouldn't even know if she died today. One of my parents is dead, and the other has been told be law enforcement to leave me alone. I love them both. They are the worst people I've ever met, but I love them. It's a biological drive, I suppose. I wish they were both alive and that we all loved each other and treated each other well. It isn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be fighting my biological drive to want to be close to them this hard because they are not safe to be close to. I've had a lot of "I want my mom" moments in the last couple of months, but I don't really even have a mom to want. It's all just so hard.

[sunshine702]

I want my mom moments.  Yep.  I am sorry for this deep core wound. 

I think that is why the professionals call it RADICAL acceptance.  It is not a normal thing healthy relationships go through.  This is grief work a lot of time and it sounds like a gigantic tsunami wave of grief crashed into you.  Also this stuff feels so shameful to share-!!yeah the crappy childhood fairy was my life.  No not all parents really unconditionally love their kids. 

Again I am sorry.

[Leonor]

It's ok, Eastern.

The feelings come in waves.

You just tend to yourself and ride them out.

Over time the waves will be less big, less noisy, less toss about.

Cuddle baby.

Get sleep.

Eat well.

Breathe fresh air.

[Boat Babe]

There's a line in "The Shipping News" right at the beginning where the main character is heading out to Newfoundland after his truly evil wife has died and he is "bereft, brimming with grief and thwarted love", That phrase stuck in my mind as I understand it so well. I think you understand it too easterncappy and it's so hard to bear at times. I am sending you a giant hug as you navigate these difficult and oh so painful feelings  and hope that you find calm and comfort really soon.
As an aside, it's a great book and, spoiler alert, has a happy ending (but not trite)

[Call Me Cordelia]

I feel you too, EC. You and I both have been through so much with our parents, with the abuse and betrayal and eventually NC and all the drama beyond that point. I do feel spent from it all at times, even down the road. And your dad's passing and your mother's awful intrusion is still relatively fresh. When people go through something awful, it's natural to want mother!

I had a time recently where I experienced that feeling very, very strongly. We had a stomach bug go through the family, and my husband was away. We have good friends but even true friends who are parents themselves won't want to get their kid throwing up! It was a long lonely time over a couple of weeks before it was all over. I so wished I could call my mom to come and just help me keep up the laundry and take care of ME! I knew in my rational brain that would never ever happen. Even before NC! But that didn't make the feeling go away. I wanted a mother then; not necessarily my mother. You want the family as it ought to be.

And that ideal is a good and true one. Of course you know you can keep that ideal in mind for your dear baby, but you need to receive as well as give. We human beings get vulnerable and feel our inner child at those times we are weak. I know I am not enough on my own all the time. And that's just the human condition, to need our mother and father. Even the people in hospice that I've seen have called out for mother, even if they were 90 years old and mother was long dead and they knew that. Your grief is so very human.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Easterncappy,

It is very understandable to me that you are feeling this stuff. Grief work is a process, and it is a process filled with a lot of emotions for those of us who survived PD parents.

A term I read someplace is "emotional orphan". Yes we had parents in the sense that there were people who brought us into the world, but we may be emotional orphans - people who were not parented. (when the definition of parenting is that of healthy parenting). The parenting you are now doing as a mother.

No one is wired to easily adjust to being an emotional orphan. We have an attachment system that was set up for our survival when we were small, and could not survive without belonging. Dr. Gabor Mate's videos from the last year or so, have focused a lot on the two needs we have - the need to attach, and also the need to be authentic. He says in many videos that when we were small, the need to attach was survival based, and so we did what we needed to do, and we kept ourselves alive.

I have gone through life as well, without parents who are safe to attach to. They are not safe to share myself with, to express my emotions to, to share my authentic self with. None of that is safe to do with them, because of who they are, and the states they are in. Knowing this is extremely painful at times.

It is tragic that this happens to anyone. It is tragic that it happens to so many of us. We survived a lot.

You reached out in a good way, to a group of people who are safe to express yourself to. Us. You are re-parenting yourself. It does get easier. We live in a culture that has few helpful teachings about grief though.

So this is where you will continue to find strategies that help you when your grief comes up. Oh hello grief, I feel you again. And I know how much pain you bring, because the loss is deep.

In my opinion, there is not enough awareness in our society yet, regarding the grief process of emotional orphans.

That said, we here are a community that holds a lot of knowledge to share and exchange. I am very glad you are part of this community here at Out of the FOG.

Keep giving your inner child a voice. Keep letting her know that she's not alone. That there are folks at Out of the FOG who are rooting for her. And that it is brave to do grief work.

Trees