enD in hospital a week after I went NC

[Bubble8]

Hi there ,
I'm a bit stuck in how to deal with everything right now and thought writing it down here might help.
I apologize for it being a long text. I initially wanted to only read here a bit more and then write on the welcome mat, but well FOO didn't gave me that much time..

For context, I've been LC with my whole family for years now. I talk about once a year with uNGrandma ( textbook-narc), a bit more often with my younger brother ( we're civil but we've never been close, he was often the scapegoat and when I was younger I tried raising/ managing him too to please uPDM). EnD and me make small talk when we see each other in person, but we don't talk on the phone or through text expect for our birthdays. I liked him a lot when I was younger because he felt safer than Mom even if he didn't protect me. He was a weekend commuter for about four years when I was a teen, so he often just was physical absent too. That changed when I was in my twenties because since then he tends to lay into me too when Mom is done. But overall he just doesn't talk much.

uPDM is leaning towards being a narc ( I don't know if it's just fleas because Grandma is such a big Narc or something else; I kinda gave up on solving this because a diagnosis doesn't really change anything for me). She's very controlling, was a textbook helicopter Mom. Her daily mood affected everything else growing up.
Keeping her happy was the most important thing to me till I got into therapy when I was 22.
Therapy helped a lot, I got from talking to my parents daily to only weekly ( though it took literally 2-3 years till the arguments abut that stopped..) and learned to better handle my feelings towards them. But I still have to make sure I got a week with a lot of freetime after meeting them in person, because being with them is exhausting. I'm always on the lookout for another verbal attack. So while the time we spent together seems calm and ,,normal" on the outside, I'm terrified on the inside.

I've been trying to talk about this with them. When I was in therapy I tried to talk about situations that happened a week earlier, but I only got denial, me being dramatic or that ,,the therapy was changing me into someone weird" and ,,soon there won't be any hope for me getting better anymore". I'm honestly really glad I already journaled during that time, so I got it all with written proof... I haven't been in therapy for a while and in the last years talking with them about my past has been sporadic. I don't like doing it much, because enD's reaction is still always denial and brushing it off as not so bad ( I can't have had such ab bad childhood if he was carrying me from bed to bath on school days when I was 8..) and uPDM is tricky. If she feels attacked she either lashes out and starts to list everything that's wrong with me or she's going queen, cries, sobbs and calls herself a monster ( literally her words, multiple times  ). And sometimes she uses me as a therapist for dealing with her own NM.
I once got a roundabout apology from her for putting all the pressure on me while growing up. Directly followed with a long explanation of why she couldn't do more ( financial issues, her own mom, by brother being rebellious for years, yadda yadda). I understand all of it and I never blamed them. They were doing the best they thought they could do. It still means I have to solve my issues caused by their behavior. Like, I'd love to learn to trust someone and to feel good in my body. And I need breathing room from their influence for that.
Sorry for the ramble. Also english isn't my mothertongue so I hope I wrote it clearly enough.

12 days ago on sunday I sent a text to uPDm telling her I need a break and will be going nc for a while because the lc we had going for till now wasn't working for me. I told her I'll contact her again when I'm feeling better. I left that backdoor open on purpose  (for me because I feared the overwhelming upcoming regret and shame over doing something like this would be too much otherwise, and also to maybe prevent any dramatic reactions from her). I also only blocked the notifications on whatsapp, not the whole contact.

They didn't react. And I've been doing better than I expect. I had bouts of guilt and shame and feeling lost and like I overreacted because there was no blow up or argument right before and I know overall I could have had it much worse. But I've been prepared for this, worked through it and it was okay.
This last sunday I did a course in breathwork for emotional release which was really great. I can't remember ever feeling so good. Full of love and empathy for myself. Really lightweight. ( As kitschy as it sounds writing it down now, lol )

Anyway, Yesterday morning I saw that uPDM had written a text the night before. I thought it over and then decided to open it. She wrote that enD was in hospital since Monday morning because of heart issues and that she's only writing to me so I can't blame them later for not telling me.
I couldn't do anything for a while because I got thrown into a whole loop of shame and guilt. With heart racing, feeling dizzy and nauseous. I really regretted opening the text at work.
I got calmed down by evening and was only thinking about writing a nondescript ,,wish you well" thing the next day.
But this morning there was a second text. This time in the family chat.
She wrote again, that enD is in the hospital and that there are operations scheduled for his heart.
That I can't equate pain for pain. That communication could help, both me and him.
She's playing into this whole ,,family stands together during hard times". I mean, our family chat is named ,,honor and strength" which was enDs idea...

I felt really angry after that.
I don't wish any of them ill, but it just feels so frustrating. Like, I can't even get more than one week of freedom from them?
I also feel being blamed for him being ill. She might not have said it out loud but it feels heavily implied.
That's also because the last time he got heart issues and was in the hospital was in 2018. uPDM blamed brother then ( because he just had dropped out of a advanced work training course at 27 years old and got himself a girlfriend with a three year old who had been married to a woman. Apparently too much for always worrying enD).
She told brother that to his face.
The thing is, enD is 57 years old now, heart problems are common in his side of the family, I even got genetic testing done that showed that I inherited the same markers. And while he's regularly exercising, he's drinking alcohol everyday and skipping meals all the time. I know it sounds crude, I'm just trying to make sense of it for me.

I'm just not sure what I should do know. I don't think I can manage more than a text message of ,,wishing him well, a smooth and successful surgery and a good recovery" or something like this without feeling like I'm abandoning myself.
I don't want to let sending a text be an invitation to open conversation once more. Because then it would just again be me, trying to explain why I can't stand being near them and them not feeling satisfied with my explanations because it's not like they slapped me around as a kid or something like this. 

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Thanks for reading my monologue.

[moglow]

Good morning! Curious to know your age group, how far you live from them, how many siblings etc. Guessing they're steamrollering into and over your life. You comply because for you it's normal, it's who they are and what they demand.

Your parents aren't "old" needing 24/7 care, and you don't live with them. It sounds like their lives are centered around the image of being parents, which [I'm guessing] prevents you from doing much of anything for your own life. Talking every day, About WHAT? Same convo we had yesterday, same gossip or intrigue or picking me for information when nothing has changed? No thanks.

Easier said than done, but here's my honest suggestions for you: Learn how to not JADE [justify, argue, defend, explain] no matter the subject that you choose to not discuss for the gazillionth time. They want to talk? Fine, talk. YOU work on keeping your thoughts, opinions, justifications, explanations to yourself. You've already said it, many times unless I miss my guess. You don't have new information so just...don't. You're tired of talking or hearing about it, so tune it and carry on. They get mad? Okay, you STILL don't have new information, nothing to add. You don't have to explain yourself, your decisions, your feelings or anything else if you choose to keep it to yourself. It's you, being an adult living your life.

Second suggestion: Information diet for the parents - your personal stuff is your.personal.stuff. Your therapy? Yours. What you discuss with therapist? Yours. Your plans, dates, conversations with friends? All yours. You don't have to share ANY OF IT if you don't want to. Just know that what you say can and will be used against you if it suits their purposes. If it's going to be used as some sort of battering ram of what's wrong with you, eliminate the ammunition up front. How's therapy going? Fine. How's work? Fine. You haven't mentioned xyz lately, how's that? Fine. Don't feed the drama. You don't have to share every detail, and the probing questions would shut me down even harder. I'm not saying be rude or disrespectful, but you can learn to be firm and No thank you. I'm fine, thank you. I appreciate you asking but I don't want to talk about it anymore.

And for the Lord's sweet sake, don't apologize when you've done nothing wrong. You're not trying to hurt or upset or ignore them - you're just living your life like everybody else out there.

***
Given dad's situation, yes, I'd probably send a nice text that you're thinking of them and hope all goes well. And please keep you updated as they have more information. [And I'd send it in the family chat, maybe respond only there for now]

[Bubble8]

Thank you moglow,

I did send a text that day in the family group chat ( And I started the first draft with sorry.   Damn that's really ingrained! Managed the actual text without one, though).
And mom did a turnaround and wrote back how it's actually not that bad.
The plural operations she mentioned turned out to be just one ordinary examination at the cardiologist, where dad got a prescription and he'll be fine for now.  Funny how mom send a lengthy text with heart emojis, whereas the day before it was three word sentences full of blame.
Yeah, I fully walked into that.. 

I'm 34 years old, moved out when I was 18. It's a 4 to 5 hour drive from them. My younger brother lives closer to them.
I was in therapy for about 4 years from 22 to 26. I stopped it, because my therapist got pregnant and while the therapist who took over was fine, I wasn't depressed anymore and felt like I could handle my parents, so we ended it soon after the switch.
And then soon after I got physically sick. It took me about 5 years to get better, during which I tried to maintain status quo with them cause I couldn't handle the confrontations that happened when I spoke up very well. 
So a lot of the ,,talking to get them to understand, trying to erect boundaries and manage an adult relationship with them" happened in my early twenties and now since 2020.

I'll remain in low contact with them now where dads healths is concerned but stay NC otherwise.
Now that I calmed down, I can see how easily I got pulled back in.
I'll remember what you wrote about JADE and not react to their subtext as much when contact is needed.
I didn't decide to go NC willy-nilly, just have to remind myself.

Thank you moglow, your reply really helped me.

[moglow]

I get it, lived I as long as I can remember. Over the top gushy emoji texts one day, reaming me over something that isn't mine the next. Few are asking any question, showing any interest, wanting any response. She's just spewing what's in her head in the moment. I found that if I don't  respond, she moves on quicker. 

You took the bait because you're supposed to, according to their world. Changing that is a process, not the flip of a switch - and you're the one who has to do it. Trying to get them to understand may be futile - they know what they expect and you must provide or else. Telling them anything contrary to their plan is just noise. The times I had no or extremely limited contact, I was a better person. I did it as long as I needed to find stable ground, didn't explain or apologize for it. 

After a while, I realized mine just isn't that interested in anything outside herself. While it's good information to have, it was a long ugly road to get here. Plenty of tears and setbacks but I kept moving away from her expectations. None of it had anything to do with me at all. 

[Cat of the Canals]

The plural operations she mentioned turned out to be just one ordinary examination at the cardiologist, where dad got a prescription and he'll be fine for now. 

So she manufactured a health emergency that was actual a routine doctor's visit? No shocker there. But now you know. Mom can NOT be trusted and has no qualms about lying to get you to break NC.

[Leonor]