Sort of new here

[Lovewasmyalibi]

Greetings all,

Today I decided to step into the light here at Out of the FOG. I've been hiding between the lines for several years. Reading, studying, questioning and sometimes crying. I am asking myself am I the abuser, am I the narcissist , am I the psychopath he says I am?  I know that the standard response is if you ask the question you're not a narcissist, but I feel scared that I'm asking the question , because I know the standard answer .. how do I know? I've taken several online quizzes that say I'm not, therapist says I'm not, but...

My updh of 40years spun up a tantrum 24 hours ago and has now crashed and will sleep for the next 12 hours and spend a few days in bed "due to remorse and shame". I finally have peace and quiet in my home and have decided to step out of the shadows and into the light.

It all started 24 hours ago after I " didn't show enthusiasm or offer support" both emotional and financial to another expensive business proposal. He is past retirement age, college educated(never worked in field of degree that I paid for) always underemployed until 20 years ago he decide to stay home and take care of things after a serious illness(that got better). I expected him to get a job (the excuses are too numerous to list) and I finally gave up and no longer expected anything from him. He delivered. However he believes he has "done a great job at taking care of things". We have a home and property with 30 yrs of started and unfinished projects. Yes, I stooped that low and said that...boom, end of the world. I've been exercising no jade, medium chill and rarely gray rock. When he is spun up into an F5 twister it is devastating. Truth is it's devastating to us both, but the impact is different for each of us. It's always verbal. Today he tells me "I've been watching YouTube and I'm an abuse victim and you're an abuser" . I've learned that most of my words and statements he considers mean, abusive and unnecessary. Today I made the mistake of saying " that really hurt me,it's heartbreaking you think that of me". To updh that statement was "mean and abusive and just didn't need to be said". I'm still reeling, spinning, feeling upside down.

I am college educated , successful career, good income, benefits, pension..., but I can't agree to fund another failed "business"  Take on debt at almost retirement age. It feels overwhelming and financially irresponsible. I am currently choosing to stay put, many reasons and a few excuses.

Thank you all for reading this far. I am grateful you are here.

LovewasmyAlibi

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group.  i am glad you found us and hope we can continue to be a resource and a sounding board for you as you navigate this difficult relationship.  what you shared about your husband reminds me a lot of my ex.

we have other members who are also staying and using the boards here to create boundaries with their uPD/PD spouses.  you are not alone and i can understand why staying makes more sense when you would be even more financially ruined if you all separated.

it's not you.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Lovewasmyalibi,

Another warm welcome here to Out of the FOG.  Im sorry you have experienced verbal abuse for decades, and it seems you have been visiting here to learn. Im glad you decided to register and join in the camaraderie conversations around the friendly campfires of the forum boards.

You wrote:

" I've taken several online quizzes that say I'm not, therapist says I'm not, but...

Imo, it doesn't get any more confirming than having a licensed, trained professional in a specific field of expertise, tell you their professional diagnosis.

You also wrote:

"I am college educated, successful career, good income, benefits, pension..."

All of those would lead me to believe that you are also a highly trained professional in your field of study/employment.  Do you also doubt your own expertise or the expertise of others around you??  Im guessing you trust those others who are highly trained. 🤔😉

In addition, I'm guessing you also trust the diagnosis and expertise of professionals whom you have/have-hired to provide and/or maintain your assets of finances, benefits, healthcare, auto's, home and so on, and you accept their professional opinion as truth.  So why are you not trusting your highly trained, professional therapist???

Im guessing it's because you live in a home with a highly skilled, professional manipulator and gaslighter, who understands how to brainwash their emotional host.  I will suggest you are listening to the wrong professional, and need to mentally dismiss the words of your partner because they are lies that are told to you to shape you into a caretaking servant. That professional manipulator's services are not for hire any longer. Therefore, begin today to focus only on believing the other professionals in your life who care for your best interest and speak the real truth. Hiring professionals who care is a win/win for both parties and those that embrace a win/lose mentality, get fired.

To assist you, please digest the toolbox tab and the personality disorders tab (top 100 traits) and align your experiences with the terms found in that trait list. Your experiences are your truth regarding the self-serving abuse you receive from your in-home professional gaslighting manipulator.

I myself have decades of living with similar professionals, both in my childhood home and multiple decades of marriage. Imo, its time to stop allowing lying professionals to overrule the truth. Regarding another professional, you may be interested in the teachings of Dr. Ramani.  A link to her YouTube series on the terminology and experiences that you face from your partner is below my signature.

See you around the boards. 

SoT

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

[11JB68]

Welcome.  Your story sounds very similar to mine.  I'm sorry to hear you have going through this.

[notrightinthehead]

You are so not alone! Just wanted to add my welcome. People here understand. Please keep coming and please get all the support you can get in real life too. Anything that builds your resilience and helps you to remain calm and keep a clear mind, especially when faced with a melt down, a temper tantrum, because someone didn't get what they wanted or how they wanted it.
You are allowed to speak your truth, even if the other party doesn't want to hear it. If there are numerous unfinished projects around, you are allowed to state that. Whenever words and facts don't align, I have found it helpful to stick to facts only.
And maybe you could consider finding a space where you can get to when faced with a temper tantrum. You don't have to stick around for that. You can grab your car keys, say things are getting a bit heated here, I need to cool down for a while until we can talk calmly and sensibly again. And you leave. Allow your partner to deal with his own emotions until he has a grip again. You don't need to take responsibility for his feelings. You need to ensure your own clarity of mind and kind and peaceful heart. You can't do that in an emotional storm.
See you around!