At my wits end

[monamurre]

I'm not sure this is the right board to post this, as it definitely doesn't feel like a "happy, healthy" post. And I'm not sure what I need/want from posting this, I guess I just need to get some things off my chest.

At the moment I feel absolutely at my wits end. With everything. Our family has had one difficult circumstance after another for about 7 years running. Everything from unemployment, multiple long-distance moves, seriously ill parents, dying parents, parents with mental illnesses acting badly, 15 months of living apart during the pandemic (which had me solo-parenting), etc., etc. I've been in reactive, "just make the best of it" mode for so long I don't remember what if feels like to live otherwise.

After my UBPD mom passed away in January my husband initiated marriage therapy and we have been working on some very long standing issues in our relationship. Overall, I think we are making progress. But the going is so hard. Some of these issues have festered for 20 years and are deeply entwined with our dysfunctional families of origin. The therapy sessions feel like boxing matches and I feel like I am running out of gas.

Besides the difficulties in my marriage there are all these other issues I've been wading through for nearly 40 years now. I was molested as a small child, then grew up with a dysfunctional UBPD mother and emotionally absent father. I've been in and out of therapy for years working on this or that. Yes, there has been progress, but it feels like two steps forward one step back. I feel terrible about myself because I feel so broken from all these experiences and see how they are still effecting my behavior, which in turn effects my marriage, friendships, etc. I also feel extremely resentful that I was dealt this particular hand of cards because I am spending so much of my time and energy managing the fallout from other people's behaviors   

I try to be gentle with myself, remind myself these feelings of despair and overwhelm are likely temporary. I try to engage in some self-care, in some fun distractions. But, lately I find myself just exhausted, not caring about anything and wanting to get away from everything. I do have my own therapist and continue to slog away at this....but lately I'm feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry if this post seem too off topic. My UBPD mom's passing was the latest hit and so much of what I am struggling with lately seems to be about reparenting myself, remaking myself after realizing her unhealthy influence on my life.

[monamurre]

Yesterday (when I posted the above) was a real low point and I was having trouble articulating the issues on my mind.

To ask my question more succinctly:

What do you do when you feel like you have been working on yourself endlessly, and there has been progress, but many things still feel like a struggle (eg. getting easily triggered, frequent bouts of sadness, etc.)?

I feel that too much of my energy is going to sorting out the past and not enough to being in the present. But, I also feel that I can't truly heal and move on until I've processed things in the past....This seems to prove true in my marriage where issues from my FOO still show up in my behavior and negatively impact my relationship with my husband.

Any insight into how you have handled the pacing of the healing journey would be welcome.

[moglow]

I'm terminally single and don't even bother to date anymore, so take this for what it's worth. When I delved and kept on delving into childhood/growing up abuse from my mother, it stirred up poisons and I relived a whole lot of stuff I'd rather not. I had nightmares, panic attacks, lashed out at any/everybody and went through a plethora of self destructive stupidity. I had little patience with others, even less with myself, went right back into that helpless hopeless child's mind and sat in it. It didn't help me going back there, in other words.

Eventually what helped me most was talking about it and having others listen and share their own. Not necessarily all the details or with any old body who came along, but I stopped hiding it, whether from myself or from others. I know I'm damaged and I'm pretty clear how I got here, and I also feel that's not anything others can fix for me. I've come to more of a place of acceptance and finding I'm actually okay with that. There aren't going to be any apologies or mother "making it right" because it's been a lifetime of abuse, not just the childhood stuff. I had to come to grips with the fact that she chose her behavior just as I choose my own.

It's only been the last few years I realized just how long I was in the battle with her and trying to force a relationship she had no
interest in, how much time I wasted in that misery. I feel like I failed myself by living the Past instead of the Now.

I'd like to suggest that you be gentle with yourself -and your husband!- and give yourself time. You're grieving I'm sure, and that has a way of stirring up all kinds of stuff you either ignored or had forgotten. Try and remember that you can't change all that but you can change anything else about yourself going forward. What's holding you back and keeping you from those good changes [other than maybe that little kid inside]?

You're not alone.

[bloomie]

monamurre - I am moved by your trusting us with this part in the journey you are on. It sounds like stacks of troubles over many years along with the most devastating betrayal as a child having been abused. I am just heartbroken for you!

For many years I rode a road bike and what I knew was when I was in the 'ups' as I called it - climbing a steep hill, if I even just had a short bit of flat ground to spin on, I could settle my heart and continue the climb.

You are in a steep climb right now, but I believe, if you give yourself permission to rest for a bit, you will find renewed strength to keep on the path to a higher place of steadiness and profound healing.

It is okay to step away from problems for a spell and do something lovely. Let the house and laundry and husband be and water color or walk in the woods, float in a pool or better yet, the lake, have coffee with a friend and talk about your garden or the newest book you are going to read. It is good to  give yourself staycations from troubles.

My point is, I have had to learn to move toward balance, even if it is two steps forward and one step back, because that... dear monamurre is progress. We want progress, not perfection for ourselves and others.

You are married to someone who seems willing to fight for you and your family together. Who is showing up in counseling with you. As Mo said, be gentle with each other. Cling to each other. Comfort each other. Give it time and put on an imaginary patience cap decorated however you desire (mine is sparkly silver) and be willing to stumble, fall, try again as you are able.

You are doing good and important work right now. You are honoring yourself and your marriage by working toward ridding yourself of the things that have been holding you back. Things that no longer serve you! Bravo for you and your DH!!!!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Monamurre.  I'm sorry for whatever grief and complicated feelings your recent loss is bringing you.  I've heard that difficult relationships are harder to grieve than healthy ones ... and I believe it.

I think 2 forward and 1 back is what successful recovery looks like. I've never seen anyone do a straight line up. It sounds like you have a good handle on what's going on for you and what needs you have for bringing balance and health into your life. 

I, too, have been hobbled my whole life by childhood abuse, including sexual.  I believe I used to think I would someday "graduate" from my healing journey and become like a person who'd never had that happen.  I've been letting go of that expectation so I can appreciate my progress instead of waiting for a particular outcome.

I have found in recent years that doing a kind of body therapy with my trauma T, instead of talk T, helps my reactivity without having to go back and dig up old stuff.  There are different kinds.  Mostly I've been doing somatic experiencing a few times a month.  It's helping me be less reactive in my current relationships and leaves me feeling freer and more hopeful.  I look forward to it, though it's probably not for everyone.  I hope you find something that brings you some ease.

[1footouttadefog]

I get self work and dealing with issues of the past.  I understand what a burden they can be to daily living and how they can impact happiness and personal relationships. 

I also get that we can become so involved with fixing problems that it can become a big part of and even overshadow our here and now. 

I hope I don't sound unfeeling here but is it possible to compartmentalize or something?  A poor analogy would be taking several courses at a time in college.  As much as one course might be calling your attention you still have to set aside time and effort for the others if you want to pass them also. 

I hope you find a way to improve your overall life.  7years is a really long time to be in that place.  I get it on some level as I also was in a place like that.  It was what brought me Out of the FOG.  The constant shift from one family event or crisis to another , always hoping things would get better around the bend.  At some point I had given all I could and there was not much left of me.

For me making some small changes after digesting the 100 traits list found here and considering how many of them were in place in my household and the folks we had surrounding us and using the tool box here to push back helped ease things a bit. 

I made small changes here and there that allowed me to gain back territory.  I could not always change a big thing but a few small changes added up to reducing the overall burden. 

[monamurre]

Thank you all for your kind responses to my raw and rambling post last week. I considered deleting it (although I'm not sure that is possible?), since so much of it was not about personality disorders. But, as Moglow pointed out, the abuse by a PD parent is woven throughout life and I find it hard to separate from other issues that are bothering me.

It was very helpful to just be able to write down the list of challenges we've had over the last few years and be heard. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if it has really been all that bad, or I just have a bad attitude about it. Then I write it down and think, "good lord! these are all significant life stressors, no wonder you are exhausted!"

I appreciate your question Moglow, "what is holding you back", because I have a very clear answer. My mother's projections that I will never be happy and never have a happy relationship (the relationship part was one of her favorite projections). Intellectually I know this to untrue. But, when when my husband and I get into the same arguments related to the same patterns that have been there for years....it triggers those feelings that she may have been right. Fortunately, my husband is a very patient guy with first hand experience dealing with PD parents, so he is up for the work.

I love the idea of body focused therapy as I have a background in dance and pilates. My body certainly always tells me when I need a break!

I definitely agree with the idea of compartmentalizing or taking a staycation from all the problems (its not like they are going anywhere!). Some days I am very successful at acknowledging that all those issues are there, but stepping around them and getting on with my life. Other days it is a harder struggle to avoid the abyss. For now my husband and I are taking a break from couples counseling and making more of an attempt to get out for date nights instead. I think what has really been missing is some positives to balance out the hard stuff.

[SaddleBagger]

Just a quick reply. And I apologize I haven't read all the replies and follow up. I would say it seems you've been dealing with a heavy load. Maybe a little break from therapy is in order.

[JustKeepTrying]

We have not met on the boards monamurre but your posts resonated with me.  I too have issues with childhood abuse as well as abuse in my adult relationshipss. It is a difficult path you are on and I would like to say there is an end but I can't.  You will always be growing, evolving and working on these issues and they will come out in weird ways you didn't anticipate.  So let me tell you how I deal with it - and perhaps there is a kernel there that can help.

I recognize now - and others on this board know that I didn't always - that I can't change what happened. That it is seductive to live there and keep it around you.  It is hard to break free from that story. I was in trauma therapy for years and EMDR was a lifesaver.  There are options for you that will allow you to process the emotion and live better with the story of it.  But what I do now is recognize the truth of it and try daily to connect to that truth.  My truth is that I survived.  That's it.  I survived and in that truth, I realize I will survive again.  That gives me a future.

Allow yourself some compassion. Lean into yourself and give yourself room.  You are working with hard emotions and topics and it will take time.  You got this.  Putting it all here speaks to great courage within you -  that is admirable.