PD Sister and Health Scare

[Kittenkatboots]

I have been low contact with my siblings for about a month. And am going to continue to no contact. I told them that I wouldn't block them, that I do love them but that I need a break indefinitely. My sister tried calling me the following week and I told her that I would appreciate it if she could respect my request. She wanted clarification on how long indefinitely would mean. She has advanced degrees for reference. It seemed as though she tried to pull me in and gain control of the situation.

I didn't know doing this not from a place of anger but of giving myself what I need was on the table until last month. So far, I don't feel as anxious as I used to be. I sleep better. The person I needed to be with my family (on edge, claws out) doesn't need to be activated for everyday life.

My sister, like the rest of us, were parentified and took on more responsibility for one another than was appropriate. She believes that she's given the most and therefore should be actively revered and considered to be a mother to the rest of us. Which is exhausting because even as a child, I always paid her back for whatever she did, whether it was going to her house to help her keep it tidy, watch her children, etc. Nothing was ever given for free.

My sister doesn't consider any of my contributions to her family to be of value in any kind of way. Her sacrifices are constantly held over me to compel compliance out of me. My BIL, niece have been looped in as her accomplices on occasion. This has made my relationship with them very difficult. I don't think it is on purpose but it doesn't make it right.

She believes because she has good intentions that whatever she does is okay and that God will make it right. Which in part, I do believe that God can do anything but this has been the best sentence to reflect the dismissive attitude about me initiating discussions about how her actions can affect me. I've realized that no matter how I communicate, she will get verbally aggressive and think I'm saying she's a bad person. The best thing to do is to give myself space from being around her.

Fast forward to this week, my sister has been hospitalized for a severe acute illness. My nephew reached out to me. She could've died. And I haven't stopped caring about her. But I'm not ready to be around them. I'm working on something really wonderful for myself and being around my family and their put downs have taken lots of mental space. I have struggled saying this. I know I am responsible for my actions but I am not strong enough to deal with their words and focus on my business. After conversations, or being around them, I find myself needing to lay in bed for days. I am making great progress and don't want to go back.

She has started sending me and my niece group messages with memes today. I haven't responded to any of them.

I'm trying not to shame myself with the word "should" and whether I "should" open the door a little bit. Deep inside I don't think it would be good for me to do. I haven't had any conversations with my niece and nephew voicing my discontentment with how their mom treats me. I still don't think it's appropriate. Maybe in a way, I'm still protecting her. But also, it doesn't immediately have anything to do with them.

I never knew this was "allowed". Me standing up for myself. I've been doing so well but this situation makes me feel sad.

[bloomie]

Kittenkatboots - It is powerful to read how even just a month of limited contact has given you space to focus on the goals you have set for your healing and growth.

I understand first hand having to distance oneself from a toxic atmosphere around siblings or FOO. Every situation is unique, but I will say that in my own experience, during the time I have been NC with one sibling and a sibling in law they have each had very serious difficulties in their lives. Health issues and other painful losses.

And I am very sorry for those difficulties, but it doesn't change the physical, emotional, spiritual reality of the relationships and destructive behaviors I have experienced at their hands for decades.

In the meantime, I am doing what I can to honor myself and them. I continue to heal and grow, to be very careful not to let roots of bitterness grow up in my heart against them, to not speak ill of them to anyone, including - like you - their children. That is what I can do and of course, I am a person of deep faith, so I continue to pray for them. But, I cannot be in close connection with them because they are not safe people for me. Maybe they are for others, but not for me.

I hope that helps a bit as I support you putting on your oxygen mask first and continuing to prioritize your own health and wellbeing.

[Kittenkatboots]

bloomie - Your response has me welled up with relief. Sometimes even saying it out loud - I catch myself feeling silly but I genuinely did not know I can do both. Actively praying for them, loving them from a distance and taking care of my needs even if that means having distance. That loving my FOO and myself can coexist. I feel more hopeful.