Connecting Manipulative Dots

[SonofThunder]

I have two PD's in my life.  My PDfather and my PDstbx. Both of them use a similar strategy when faced with:

A: a reality they cannot control.

B: truth that is a negative on their reputation.

Imo, it's a strategy used by adolescents to deflect blame, but its done in a disconnected and covert manner. When in the fog or even the turmoil of living with a PD, it can be hard to connect the dots on these experiences since they can be hours, days or longer time periods apart, depending on the strategy creation timing of the PD. I do not believe there is a specific term for the experience of deflection and payback, but being both Out of the FOG and separated, its much easier to now mindfully connect the dots as to why they occur. Self is always the motive with PD people. I'm writing about these experiences to share with my comrades here on Out of the FOG who may desire to mindfully analyze their similar experiences. 

These PD strategies involve baiting, manipulation, gaslighting, projection, deflection, punishment of the target nonPD, drama triangle traits and other behaviors in order to make the PD person feel powerful about themselves in the face of their feelings of defeat, and also deflect any negative that may exist in the reality of the uncontrollable truth, but deflect by altering the subject. I have another term I use called 'smoke-screening' in which my two PD's use to create a sideshow drama scene in order to hide an unrelated ongoing situation the PD wants to keep hidden, but this is not the same. I will give a real example using my PDfather.

I was totally NC with my father for a necessary period over many past months in order to protect myself during a phase of my current separation to divorce. He was unable to overcome my proper boundary and told all other family members in relationship circle three, that he was being punished for caring too much..lol.  He had previously fabricated a story to purposefully manipulate my stbx in a very reputation-damaging way to her, in an attempt to achieve a very selfish asset goal for his own needs, causing my stbx to verbally accuse me of making false and damaging statements about her. I am a believer that boundaries are put in place for self protection and when self protection is no longer needed, the boundary should come down until needed again. This insures me that the boundary is indeed self-protective in nature and not punishment; a very thin line. PD's never change. My PD's actually should be facing a permanent self-protective NC from me, but I understand their traits are forever, so if possible, I will properly boundary myself to self-protect and preserve any part of relationship that is capable with these underdeveloped people. 

With NC is full protection and upon completing a necessary period in my proceedings toward divorce, I was in a prolonged waiting pattern, because of certain procedures that were ongoing, combined with very busy schedules with other professionals who are involved. Since there was no further ability for my PDfather to manipulate in the same manner while in this waiting period, I sent a communication that my NC boundary was being immediately taken down, but would be put in place if needed again.  My months of boundary was designed around my ability to control what communication I received and in no way hindered my PDfather's ability to try to communicate during the period, but apparently his communication attempts during the NC found no landing zone and returned void of invalidation. 

I own the property and home in which my parents currently live, which is in another US state than mine and they live on the property rent free. Upon their receiving my first communication in many months, announcing my boundary was now down, there was total silence for two days. On the third day, my mother reached out to me to tell me that my father needed me to make a repair on the long drive in which they use to access the home and wondered how soon the costly need would be accomplished, stating that any delay on my part to address the neglected problem would be exponentially costly to the drive. My father has the equipment, time, ability and experience to make any corrections to the drive that are necessary and has done this work for decades before I purchased the property from them. I own the drive but other families use the drive as they have property rights to do so, even though my parents nor I have ever charged them for drive maintenance, in order to be generous and caring neighbors. 

Communication boundaries and driveway repair seem very far apart in dot-connection, but it was his frustration with his inability to control his communication's reach nor his new ability to control the boundaries release or reapplication, that caused him to fabricate a neglectful maintenance accusation and possibly try to guilt me to spend money to make the repair, which would bring him great control power feed. Instead, recognizing the connection, I told him that the other families that utilize my drive would now need to begin contributing funds for the repair from here forward, as I am unable to allocate additional monies toward freely-shared driveway repairs, and if he desired the drive to be repaired, he would have to collect the monies from his neighbors, as I was not communicating with them. If he could not collect the funds, the drive would go without maintenance and he and the other neighbors would just have to continue to put up with the driveway's apparent horrible condition (which my father has maintained for decades therefore his drive-maintenance reputation was at stake). I also asked my mother,in an email sent to both of their email addresses, to please provide me asap pictures of the driveway so that I could understand the scope of the damage.  The next day, my mother told me that my father repaired the driveway himself and so monies from the neighbors were not needed.

Again, sharing this example of so very many similar types of experiences that have occurred in my life over a wide variety of topics, both with my father and my stbx. The patterns help to further connect the dots of manipulation and assist in my decision-making to thwart control attempts and accomplish goals.

Your Out of the FOG comrade,

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I bet you feel content with how you handled the situation. Whenever I face something that triggers my fog response and, after a short period of feeling the turmoil, handle it rationally, politely, and communicate clearly, I get the satisfaction of having made a big step forward towards healing.
So, well done! You passed this test with honors.

[SonofThunder]

Notrightinthehead,

What you wrote is accurate to my experience and thanks for the kind words:

"Whenever I face something that triggers my fog response and, after a short period of feeling the turmoil, handle it rationally, politely, and communicate clearly, I get the satisfaction of having made a big step forward towards healing."

"Triggering my fog response" is indeed a victory for my PD's, as they fully understand they have successfully been able to cause me to react.  Reacting at all, is really a type of JADE by me, and I could have fully ignored the request made about the driveway.

I will admit that crafting solutions to place the PD into their own intended trap is an enjoyable JADE, but it does not nullify the fact that the PD successfully triggered my response. Sadly with PD's, these events never cease to occur, yet full NC helps to almost eliminate.  But full NC is many times noticeable to others in the life of my PD's, and so I occasionally hear from the others about the drama triangle 🔺 victimhood of the PD because of perpetrator action of my NC, and doing so through the flying monkey communications, I realize that a side door is still left open, in which the unaware flying monkeys use to enter. 

It would take a sweeping volume of NC, to many innocent people who are also true victims of the PD, to eliminate all possible methods of communication avenues in which the PD will utilize to get their message across to me, and in turn I would end up alienating myself from many worthy relationships. That becomes an isolation victory for the PD by their utilizing others to reach me and the PD tests to see how far I will go to NC. 

Therefore, as you well stated, recognizing the association between two seemingly different topical events and also understanding PD traits and motives, assists me in "handle it rationally, politely, and communicate clearly, I get the satisfaction of having made a big step forward towards healing." In doing so, it puts a stop to the particular manipulative event in time, and then I reset and await the arrival of the next.  Each event can be a learning experience that assists in connecting future dots and gleaning some enjoyment in shutting down the PD plot to deliver deflected payback for my necessary boundary. 

Thanks again for your comments.

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wow, SoT, I think you handled the dynamics surrounding the drive very well. 
   
I feel like this shows how a level of awareness serves you well. Instead of reacting from a place of emotion, or obligation, or wanting to appease you were able to view it rationally and separate what is "theirs" and not yours. You remained grounded in the knowledge and skills you have gained and let that guide your actions. Bravo.

I do believe each event is a learning experience. PDs rarely change, but I believe we do. I believe that change is significant. It seems as long as there is any contact, scenarios like this are likely to recur. If/when they do, your tools are that much sharper. It does not mean the triggers will not be there, or that we won't feel that wrench in the gut, but the actions we take while facing all of that are the game-changers.






 

[LemonLime]

Great writing, SofT.  I have often thought of my emerging knowledge of PDs in a kind of iceberg analogy.   I used to see my sib's strange actions as unrelated "quirks".  She was emotional, negative, always comparing.  She had "emotional outbursts".   Now I see that it is all connected underneath the surface of the ocean.  It's a PD.  The outbursts are rages.  The lack of willingness to be wrong, to be vulnerable, is all part of PD.  The thoughtful gifts are almost always part of lovebombing.  It took til I was 50 to GET IT.

Connecting the dots........oh my.

[moglow]

SoT, I could see mine pulling similar stunts. What am I saying - she did it many times. It took me quite a while to connect those dots, and now I can't unsee them. Her biggest, longest lasting was over "communication". She wanted outgoing/at me only, wasn't interested in my input or answers to her incessant senseless questions. When I got sick of her manipulative baiting texts and voicemails followed by long periods of silent treatment, I blocked her cell. We could and did still talk via her home phone but O.M.G. Every conversation was about the damned cell phone, literally for years. Over and over again. She tried every angle, including having a neighbor call and tell me I needed to call mother's cell - KNOWING I'd blocked her. [That was a particular favorite, I'll admit: I immediately called mother's home phone so she could have that meltdown!] She eventually had home phone disconnected and our only means of "communication" left was her cell, but now somehow she doesn't get my responses to her texts, even though we can both call each other via her cell. Yeah, I ain't buying but whatever. We're down to obligatory holiday and birthday messages and she even tries to drag those sideways.

Thing is, we're conditioned to respond to their demands - we were raised that way. They stomp, we jump immediately because we know the repercussions. Undoing that programming takes time even though we're long since adults ourselves. For me the periods of no contact provided much-needed clarity and peace of mind, and I'm not willing to give that up by taking her on anymore. She wants to be mad? Do that. She wants to be nice? Do that. I know whatever it is, it'll change on a dime then back again and I have no interest in that. Mine burned down any sense of FOG still remaining within me, and hurtful as it's been to face it head on I get it now.

There's truly a new strength in seeing it for what it is and responding accordingly. Our choice of BIFF [brief informative friendly firm] is pretty damned hard to fight - there's no conflict there no matter what they do or say. We see what's before us, accept what they have to say and it doesn't become part of or change who we are. I'm not saying I like the indifference necessarily, but I will say it's growing on me. All the drama and abuse traumatized and damaged me/us - it's my/our responsibility to heal that.

[SonofThunder]

Blueberry, LemonLime and MoGlow,

Thank you all for your kindness, thoughtfulness, camaraderie and validation.

Blueberry, it is a joy to finally be reaching a place of where I am able to see clearly and react accordingly.  Thank you.

LemonLime, I really like the iceberg analogy as it perfectly describes the underlying connections which look disconnected on the surface  Thank you for sharing your Sib experiences.

Mo, thank you for sharing the experiences with your mother's stunts and coming alongside me as we deal with the craziness of these PD people. 

My wishes to all of us that we can steady improve our lives in the growing education coupled with the toolbox. As long as these PD people are in our lives, there will be those triggers or other feelings even related to going NC. I want to continue to focus on harvesting crops of joy in my slow and steady improvement on my side of these twisted relationships. 

SoT

[bloomie]

SOT - celebrating you connecting the dots. This may be my favorite bit...

I told him that the other families that utilize my drive would now need to begin contributing funds for the repair from here forward, as I am unable to allocate additional monies toward freely-shared driveway repairs, and if he desired the drive to be repaired, he would have to collect the monies from his neighbors, as I was not communicating with them. If he could not collect the funds, the drive would go without maintenance and he and the other neighbors would just have to continue to put up with the driveway's apparent horrible condition (which my father has maintained for decades therefore his drive-maintenance reputation was at stake).

his "drive-maintenance reputation was at stake" you are very discerning and wise to stand steady and know this about your father, set your boundary, state it firmly, and let the situation unfold. Well done!

Thanks for sharing this with us!

[SonofThunder]

SOT - celebrating you connecting the dots. This may be my favorite bit...

I told him that the other families that utilize my drive would now need to begin contributing funds for the repair from here forward, as I am unable to allocate additional monies toward freely-shared driveway repairs, and if he desired the drive to be repaired, he would have to collect the monies from his neighbors, as I was not communicating with them. If he could not collect the funds, the drive would go without maintenance and he and the other neighbors would just have to continue to put up with the driveway's apparent horrible condition (which my father has maintained for decades therefore his drive-maintenance reputation was at stake).

his "drive-maintenance reputation was at stake" you are very discerning and wise to stand steady and know this about your father, set your boundary, state it firmly, and let the situation unfold. Well done!

Thanks for sharing this with us!

Thank you for your kind words Bloomie.

SoT