Toxic partner

[noteasy]

Hello community,

I hope this post finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to share my experience and writing it down might provide some therapeutic relief. I have come to the realization that my partner, in my assessment, exhibits toxic behavior. Here are some observations:

She frequently has outbursts of anger, often triggered by stressful situations. For instance, during a playful moment, she inadvertently hurt her leg and lashed out at me, saying hurtful things. I am constantly on edge, unsure of what will set off the next outburst.

She harbors issues with my family, particularly my mother. She becomes extremely jealous if I spend time with her. Considering I live abroad with my partner, I only see my mother about four times a year for brief visits. Once, during a video call, she abruptly hung up when she saw my mother in the background, citing the view of my mother as the reason. She has also expressed jealousy towards my sister. On one occasion, when I visited my sister who had undergone surgery, my partner complained that I prioritized my sister over her due to her own illness (a cold).

Socializing is a challenge for her. She lacks friends, and as we both work full time from home, I find myself without a social network as well. I have tried suggesting activities for us to engage in together, but nothing has come to fruition so far.

Our discussions often revolve solely around her work, her sport, and her beauty (clothes, make up, soap, nails..). There is no room for conversations about current events, politics, philosophy, movies, music, or other topics of interest.

During fights, she becomes verbally aggressive, even when her daughter is present. I once asked her to lower her tone, and she retorted that her daughter deserved to know that I am not perfect. I consistently strive to remain calm and rational, but it proves ineffective. She frequently misinterprets situations and logic does not seem to apply.

She constantly complains about everything and tends to be negative. Despite my efforts to encourage a positive outlook, she prefers to play the victim.

It has been three years, and while I have made excuses for her behavior, we have built a comfortable life together. She even supports her relatives to some extent. However, it feels as though nothing can truly make her happy.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and experiences.

[moglow]

In many ways you just described my mother. Imagine if you will bringing children into that equation, how being raised with that would affect them not just as children but as they enter adulthood. Guarantee her daughter is either struggling mightily or is taking it in and doing some of the same herself - it's what she knows, after all.

Mother's coping mechanism of choice is blame, always, someone is forever to blame for whatever random "problem" she concocts on a too-regular basis. Her many many petty jealousies seem to stem from deep seeded insecurities that she can neither voice nor face head on. Jealousy of others, even close family members? Check. Conversation being all about her with no room for anything else? Check. Frequent outburst of extreme anger? Check. Stressful angry responses to even the most minor inconvenience? Check. No friends to speak of? Check. Negativity and victimhood? Check check.

My experience has been, she's [and many others like her] not a happy person. She chooses to not even look for the happy and resents it when others do. She'll drag you down into the mire and beat people over the head with the muck, given the opportunity. There's a sick gratification when she "wins" at that game. And it's Exhausting.


It has to be frustrating. Like everyone else, there are bright spots that seemingly make it okay for a while. That intermittent reinforcement has kept many a human mired in it. Then you'll do anything to keep it going, only to find you don't have any say in it whatsoever. What was fun or funny a moment ago is suddenly the trigger for extreme anger or tears, and you're left wondering wth you did "this time."

It's not you. I feel your pain. 

[escapingman]

Noteasy, that sounds wxactly like my ex wife (good damn it feels good to write that she is my ex wife). Take care, you can't do right for doing wrong. I can almost guarantee you she won't change so please look after yourself whatever you decide to do.

[1footouttadefog]

This sounds quite toxic, quite lopsided and quite abusive.

After three years you can likely understand that this will not change. It's now a matter of you deciding if this works for you or not. 

[noteasy]

Thank you all for your messages!

[LemonLime]

As others have said, this type of behavior will not change. It took me a long time to realize this about my sib.  So what I avoided seeing for all that time is that I have a choice:  accept her as she is, or get out of the relationship.  That really is all there is to decide.
It's harsh but true.  It's really quite simple.

All my shenanigans around trying to understand her were in service of trying to avoid that harsh and simple decision.  Sadly.