Breaking NC in order to move on

[Pinkos]

For the past several months, I have been toying with the idea of reestablishing low contact. I felt like when I made the decision to go NC I was in a lot of pain. I was disheartened and hopeless. I felt disrespected and rejected. I needed space and time apart but I also needed to assert myself in a big way! I've been essentially NC for several years. But I feel like it was a two way street also. I feel like I'm now at the point where I may want to test low contact.

I bit the bullet and texted my parents 'Happy Easter'. I got texts back and a call. I called back several hours later. I had to work up the courage. The convo was brief. They were upbeat and suggested coming up to my city for a visit. This had been an issue between us - the fact that they never actually come to visit me specifically but will come to visit relatives periodically (that I don't get along with) in a nearby city and expect me to drop everything and meet up with them. So it was obv they were trying to remedy that. Last time I spoke to them during the pandemic when I had broken NC for about 3 months, they were pushing me to come visit them. I didn't like that.

Anyway, they mentioned all this travel they had been doing and upcoming travel plans (my father even suggested joining him on a European trip with my uncle later this month!!). My mother also made sure to mention about my younger sister's cool new job and all the traveling she's doing. This sister specifically started to avoid me in a cruel way many years before I went NC with the rest of my family. And how she (my mother) had the opportunity to travel with her to a fun country etc. My mother likes to tell me everything this particular sister is up to - she likes to make me feel left out of her little mean girl club with my two younger sisters. At least that's what it feels like. Anyway, they both pushed coming to my city for a long weekend to spend time with me and staying in an air bnb. I said "we'll see."

When I got off the phone, I felt many things. Left out/behind, sad, anxious, boring/pathetic.......(all familar when I'm around them)

I've been struggling to get motivated to travel because I don't have anyone to travel with and I've been struggling to find a new job. It's been tough for me for a long time. Feeling isolated and just unhappy with where my life is right now. I tend to think they intentionally do things to make me feel left out. Travel has really been my thing in the past and I guess they've been traveling more lately whereas I havent' been and it just sort of felt like one upmanship. They didn't ask any details about my life of course. I said I was fine and everything was fine. I wasn't going to get into any details about my depressive state with them but it would've been nice if they had at least seemed genuinely curious and probed a bit. It would've been nice if they cared. It just seemed like they wanted to tell me really quickly about how much fun their lives have been and my life was not that important. At this point I'm not really sure what we would talk about for a whole weekend. When I take out all the pandering and clowning I used to do just to feel comfortable around them, I don't know what would be left after a couple hours together.

I guess I'm anxious that they're going to upset the fragile peace I've built. I don't know if I'm ready to visit with them in person. But the idea didn't make me panic either. I get why they want to visit in person - it's been years since they've seen me. I guess I want to test out my individuation - my ability to stay centered no matter what they throw at me.  I don't want to question my life and my existence based on a sibling report. That tells me I have a lot of self-worth work to do. I want to move on and I feel like I have to reestablish contact in order to work on doing that.

Does that make sense? Thanks for reading and for any insight you may have.

[Leonor]

Hi Pinkos,

Oh, it makes perfect sense that once we gain a bit of peace and insight and emotional stability in our lives, we consider reaching out to family members with whom we are not in contact.

Let's consider some reasons behind the "why" and see if any ring true for you:

1. I feel sad because I miss my mom and/or dad, no matter how abusive they are towards me.

2. I feel sad because I don't have a family, no matter how harmful and dysfunctional they are.

3. I feel sad because my family has moved on without me, even though they've not made any real progress in their own growth.

3. I feel guilty because NC is my fault, so I shouldn't feel sad because I am responsible for maintaining their relationships.

4. I feel guilty because they're getting older and I won't be there to take care of them and I'm responsible for their physical wellbeing.

5. I feel guilty because they had it worse than I did, and now they're sad that I'm not in their lives, and I'm responsible for their emotional wellbeing.

6. I feel obligated to be perfect and perfectly healed, and I'll only know that for sure when I can stand to be in their presence and not feel abused.

7. I feel obligated to prove that I'm a better, more centered, and more enlightened person than my parents and/or siblings.

8. I feel obligated to end the cycle of abuse by healing myself and lighting the way for my family to heal as well.

9. I'm afraid of staying NC because at times I feel lost and disoriented, which is worse than feeling sad or hurt or angry.

10. I'm afraid of staying NC because I don't know what will happen to any of us and the others not know about it.

Can you identify with any of these thoughts, Pinkos? How could you respond to them in a way that affirms and supports and is caring and loving towards yourself? What if a little child told you she was feeling this way; what would you say to her? What if a teenager told you she was feeling this way about a boy/girlfriend; what would you say?

The answers are within you, Pinkos. Allow yourself to tap into your own wisdom and guide yourself through this challenging moment.

[Srcyu]

The phone call has already illustrated to you that your parents haven't changed which is possibly what you were hoping for,

They have bragging rights over the activities of one sister in particular. Obviously they approve of all her 'travelling'
It seems a bit shallow to me if that's all that they care or want to talk about.

You noticed many clues in the call that your parents remain the same as before. You are the one who has changed.
You've re-established contact on a low level. They already knew that you would have liked a separate visit from them and only now are they willing to suggest that.

The obvious advice of 'be very careful' applies here. You know yourself well even if they don't.


milly

[Happypants]

Hi Pinkos.  I have no experience of nc with my parents (I'm lowish contact but it fluctuates depending on what phase they're going through).  But it reads as if there are already signs that they're pushing your buttons.  Whether they are doing it intentionally or not, you're still being affected by it in a negative way.  That together with the fact that you say you're not exactly panicking at the thought of meeting up seems to me that you've already done a lot of work (as painful as it has been) and may want to test the waters - could you perhaps experiment with some regular contact by phone/text/email while continuing to work on yourself?  Perhaps some baby steps to find rewarding work and bring travel back into your life, then you can broach the subject of meeting up with them on your terms, and with increased resilience, self-differentiation, and robust boundaries in place?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmm. What stands out to me is that a simple, "Happy Easter" led to your parents going straight to let's visit for an entire weekend and here's all that you are missing out on! We're so great! Your sister's so great! 

Did they ask about you? Did they ask about how to fix things? Express regret they've missed out on years with you? About what motivated you reaching out? Asking what you would like?

[NotCryingGlitter]

6. I feel obligated to be perfect and perfectly healed, and I'll only know that for sure when I can stand to be in their presence and not feel abused.

THIS. What you said is really a perfect reminder that being in a better place eventually does not mean we won't be able to feel the abuse; it just means we might handle it better, in terms of leaving the situation sooner, for example. I need to remember what you said, because I don't want to feel like that, once I reach that better place, my progress doesn't count just because of a bad phone call, etc.

It's easy to have a fantasy of one day telling them off and slamming the door in their face, then feeling relief with it, but I guess the reality is that, whether we get to do that or not doesn't mean we are teflon and that their actions won't cause an internal or external negative reaction in us, because abuse is still abuse, and it causes an effect.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Pinkos.

Thing is the decision to break NC is yours, no one can tell you what to do. Yes it is hard to decide (I have decision paralysis so I know what it's like) but it's better to take any decision than no decision at all.

I broke NC in 2020 and am now very LC. I don't regret it, really. Breaking NC taught me valuable lessons-that I still have a lot of work to do on myself, that I am a codependent (didn't know that before), that I still want my mommy in my life (like everyone else here) no matter how horrible she is, that I will probably never have a decent relationship with my brothers and that's ok and that I never really had parents growing up.
Breaking NC for me was different. The goal was to see if my family is truly toxic and I was right to cut them out or do they deserve another chance.
I just wanted to go back in the past and get an answer.
Not having an answer kept me awake at night, it was pretty bad for my mental health.

My plan is to go NC but I am not sure when that will happen. I proved to myself that I was right to go NC with them, that they are unfortunately too unsafe for me and too unhealthy.
There's nothing wrong with going back, reversing or wanting something or someone to change.

Sometimes we need to have one more proof that they are toxic or perhaps we need that feeling of having a mother one more time until we are ready to let the family go.

So sorry you have to go through this decision process.

[mary_poppins]

Oh I just read the reason for you wanting to break NC. Yeah, I guess even if you are healed you can still feel traumatized in the company of an abusive person. In the end, we are only humans.

[Leonor]

i only would add that feeling abused when someone is actually being abusive is a sign of healing.

Feeling sad when someone does or says something hurtful; feeling confused when someone is trying to gaslight or manipulate you; feeling angry when someone says or does something cruel ... That's not weakness or trauma or some kind of unfinished business.

That's it. That's the healing. To be self aware and self caring enough ro say, "Ouch. Wait a minute. That really hurts."

And then you are empowered to decide. You can decide to stay in a place, a space, a relationship, a mindset that leaves you vulnerable to pain, or you can decide to protect yourself from further abuse.

How you protect yourself depends entirely on you. Low contact, grey rock, no contact, medium chill, scripted conversations, information diets, whatever makes you feel comfortable and secure. And you can always change your mind or try new things or draw different boundaries.

But wanting to be and feel all "perfectly healed," with a tiara on the top of your head and a sash over your shoulder while smiling at people who are treating you poorly is a trauma-based response. It's born of a desire to be exactly what your parents want you to be, even their emotional punching bag, so that they will love you. It's the response of a lovely, loving little child, who deserves to be showered with affection and safe from harm and worry.

[NarcKiddo]

But wanting to be and feel all "perfectly healed," with a tiara on the top of your head and a sash over your shoulder while smiling at people who are treating you poorly is a trauma-based response. It's born of a desire to be exactly what your parents want you to be, even their emotional punching bag, so that they will love you. It's the response of a lovely, loving little child, who deserves to be showered with affection and safe from harm and worry.

Yes, yes, yes. And double yes. And triple yes. Leonor, this makes so much sense. Thank you for posting it. Another piece of my jigsaw has just slotted into place.

[Cat of the Canals]

 

Copying this down somewhere to remind myself.

[osee1]

But wanting to be and feel all "perfectly healed," with a tiara on the top of your head and a sash over your shoulder while smiling at people who are treating you poorly is a trauma-based response. It's born of a desire to be exactly what your parents want you to be, even their emotional punching bag, so that they will love you. It's the response of a lovely, loving little child, who deserves to be showered with affection and safe from harm and worry.

Yes, yes, yes. And double yes. And triple yes. Leonor, this makes so much sense. Thank you for posting it. Another piece of my jigsaw has just slotted into place.

Yes that is very on point, and so important - when I read that I also feel like it relates to the people-pleasing attitude that most children in this case will have, myself for sure I have developed this people-pleasing attitude that I have been working really on overcoming. Being healed doesnt mean now I should be able to take abuse voluntarily and happily. Just as a personal vent I suppose, the more I go down this road the more I feel that .. you know what.. this 'dealing with NPD parents... all this managing.. its just too much hard work.. its just... why?!'

[Pinkos]

First, I want to thank all of you for your thoughtful responses. I really value this community and I want to express my appreciation. I needed some space after posting and reading the responses. I've had a couple more conversations with my father and one text exchange with one sister (not the same sister my mother updated me on). It will surprise no one here that THEY HAVE NOT CHANGED AT ALL! But I have and it feels so good. 

I don't think I fully articulated what I was feeling at the time - I wanted to make sure that I wasn't emotionally cutting off in a reactive way. Jerry Wise talks about this and it's been something that has been on my mind for a while. He talks about the difference between emotional cut off and no contact. He describes the former as reactive and immature and something that doesn't actually allow you to move on but entrenches you further in the family dysfunction. In an emotional cut off, you can still be emotionally involved and playing a role prescribed by the family dyfunction.

But a lot of you made some really good points about how feeling abused and triggered when you are being abused doesn't mean that you're immature or not healed. And that I don't have to be sashaying around with my tiara to be healed.  I think I've been haunted by the idea that I'm being emotionally immature in this no contact. There is probably an aspect of my perfectionism and shame in all of this and it's hard to tease out.

Anyway, remember that offer to come visit me in my city and stay in an air bnb? In a subsequent call, he even added he wasn't coming to visit the relatives, just me. Well, by the 3rd call it became "listen we can come to see you and I guess we can try to find some place nearby or you can come visit us here that would be more convenient." This was after he invited me on another trip to California to visit my uncle. He had just gone to Europe with the same uncle and was going 2 months later to California to visit with him again. But visiting his daughter who lives closer is "inconvenient." Ha!

After the 3rd call I texted him the next day saying I'm not ready to plan a visit. He replied "ok."
A few days after that is when I texted with sister and when I said "I know this is awakward after so long but I'm hoping to check in from time to time" and she said "whatever makes you feel comfortable and I'm always here." Again, nothing about what efforts she may want to make to reconnect. I felt condescended to.

They don't love me. They don't miss me. They feel like I'm the one who has to hustle (like I always did) to get back in their good graces. It's a complete waste of time. There is no hope of a close relationship. How can there be with people who feel like there is no problem? It seems clear to me that from their POV the problem is me and that's why I need to do all the work to restore things back to the way they were. Which brings me to, everything they are doing is to get me back into my old box. My former role. Well, the old Pinkos is no longer here. It is impossible to go backwards. I may text them for holidays, birthdays but that's it. And this time I don't feel so overwhelmed by contact with them. I find myself able to brush it off a lot quicker. And it feels good to have that confirmation. It assures me that I have indeed come as far as I think I have.

I'll end with this: Jerry Wise talks about the concept of seeing yourself as a - and others as a +. When it should be +, +. And he says with abusive or narcissistic types, he sees himself as a + and them as null. Neither + nor -. And after a handful of calls/texts with them, it's clear that I had been operating as a minus because I was treated as a minus and that was my role. It was really nice to see myself as a plus for a change.

[Rebel13]

Wow this is an awesome thread.  Thank you all so much.

[Mathilda]

Wow this is an awesome thread.  Thank you all so much.

I totally agree! Thank you everyone!

[xredshoesx]

i tried to have a relationship with my biological mother after running away and being NC for almost three years.

going back reinforced to me why i needed to get back to a place where i could fully be NC again, if that makes any sense, bc like pinkos and others said, i could see that I changed but not HER (or her parents or my half brother).

i think for me i learned to reparent myself, and had some very kind female friends to stand in as mother role models to give me healthier templates to model from.

best to you- recovering is not a linear process, nc isn't as simple as putting the feelings you have in a box for that loved one that hurt you to make the choice, and then packing it in the attic to never be opened again.   i get twinges of 'wonder and what if' still and i've been NC with my mother like 30 years- where i'm not even sure what she looks like now because i am an old woman and she's an even older one, if she's still living.