What was your love bombing experience like?

[Palepinkpeony]

Hi everyone,

I have been searching the forum for love bombing experiences and am having trouble finding detailed experiences. I would love to hear yours, to help myself and others to decipher between healthy startups and love bombing starts. Thanks!

[SeaBreeze]

When stbx-uNPDh and I first met, he acted quite literally perfect. He point blank asked what went wrong with my first marriage; he also said he wanted to know everything about me. I didn't realize he was gathering intel on how to present as the perfect partner. He also moved quickly, drawing me into a whirlwind romance like something out of a romance book or movie. Then the mask started to drop. For example: The first time I got sick, he waited on me hand and foot. By my 3rd illness into the relationship, he was quite impatient and accused me of faking it even as he quarantined himself from me so he wouldn't catch the same bug. I spent years trying to get back that perfect man I'd been led to believe I'd fallen for.

[Palepinkpeony]

When stbx-uNPDh and I first met, he acted quite literally perfect. He point blank asked what went wrong with my first marriage; he also said he wanted to know everything about me. I didn't realize he was gathering intel on how to present as the perfect partner. He also moved quickly, drawing me into a whirlwind romance like something out of a romance book or movie. Then the mask started to drop. For example: The first time I got sick, he waited on me hand and foot. By my 3rd illness into the relationship, he was quite impatient and accused me of faking it even as he quarantined himself from me so he wouldn't catch the same bug. I spent years trying to get back that perfect man I'd been led to believe I'd fallen for.

It's so wild that they can hone in on EXACTLY what we needed and wanted. That's terrible that he became so awful with your illnesses. Of course you were seeking to be loved again by him. 

How long do you think the LB lasted? Was it more like little slips of the mask and back to more LB, and slowly it became more of the slipped mask "real version" of him?

[SeaBreeze]

The mask dropped very noticeably about 2 months in, the first time he raged at me, out of nowhere,  followed by no apology, explanation, anything. When I tried to approach him about it a few days later, I got my first taste of blame-shifting and gaslighting followed by the first silent treatment.

Over the years, the love bombing was never quite as intense as those first few honeymoon months. But he might "apologize" after blowouts and/or silent treatment by buying me a new gadget or trinket or chocolate. Or take me out to dinner. Or (and this makes me sick now) finally come to bed after ignoring me and exiling himself to the couch several nights and wanting to get intimate. I took whatever crumbs he offered, but eventually got to a point where I didn't care anymore and in fact wanted him to leave me alone.

We did come close to the honeymoon period when I was pregnant, with him doting on me and acting near-perfect again..
only for him to go back to emotionally abusing me (and our child) after our child was born. Now that I've left him, he's saying and doing things I begged of him for years before I came Out of the FOG and stopped bothering. Suddenly he's reading books on how to fix your marriage, when I had to hide books like that or he'd mock me or rage at me. Wanting to get counselling now, when he flat out refused years ago. Etc. I recognize the love bombing for the last-ditch effort that it is. Too little, too late.

[Palepinkpeony]

Wow Seabreeze! You were very brave to confront all of that and to have gained the wisdom and strength to leave. 

Interesting that he was back to LB when you were pregnant. I wonder if he felt threatened that you could leave with his precious child or what his motives might have been...

I also find it interesting that they can suddenly do the things that we needed, pleaded for them to do before. I know sometimes they act avoidant or ignorant of the requests, or make empty promises, but your story shows that they do actually know what they need to do to improve a relationship and they were blatantly and actively choosing not to. 

Regardless you are inspiring and courageous in leaving for your child, as well as seeing his LB attempts for what they truly are. 

[Palepinkpeony]

Thanks user for the recommendation! I will definitely go search for her. I've seen her name pop up in my reading around the forum. 

[Catothecat]

In my experience with PD lovebombing, all the positives were front-loaded into the relationship--the flattery, the doing things for you, the being there for you, the promises of a great relationship.  Things happen fast in a lovebombing, faster than what makes sense. There was quickly talk of love and marriage.  And when I say quick, I mean within a month or two. 

The PDs didn't want to give the relationship "time."  It was all now-now-now.  What they wanted, they wanted now. If I hesitated I was lost, because they would give their terrific selves to someone else.  At the time it all seemed very romantic, but in retrospect it was nothing but a pressure sales tactic. 

[moglow]

...all the positives were front-loaded into the relationship--the flattery, the doing things for you, the being there for you, the promises of a great relationship.  Things happen fast in a lovebombing, faster than what makes sense. There was quickly talk of love and marriage.  And when I say quick, I mean within a month or two. 


The PDs didn't want to give the relationship "time."  It was all now-now-now.  What they wanted, they wanted now. If I hesitated I was lost, because they would give their terrific selves to someone else.  At the time it all seemed very romantic, but in retrospect it was nothing but a pressure sales tactic. 

YAS!

Short story: if it seems too good to be true, it almost always is. Anyone come at me with all the ammunition right off the bat, I run screaming for the nearest exit. In love with me within a month? Nope. Talking marriage after half a dozen dates? Nope. If it's now or never, BYEEEEE! It screams needy and smothering and I don't get to have my own life anymore.

If you give it time, you see all the things you need to see. And all the things they will never ever admit to.

[Cat of the Canals]

My experience is mainly with parents -- my mother and MIL.

My mother often uses lovebombing to smooth things over when she's done something wrong. As an example, when I told her I was moving across the country, she was dismissive, rude, and insulting. This was followed by several weeks of the silent treatment. When she realized I was moving with or without her "permission," she did a sudden 180 and called me wanting to gush about how excited she was for me. There was never an apology or acknowledgement of the things she said before. This pattern of abuse > silent treatment > rugsweeping > lovebombing is a cycle that's been playing out my entire life.

When she gives praise, it is always hyperbolic. She can't simply enjoy something. It is "THE BEST." My SIL made a Halloween costume for my nephew, and my mother's words were, "I'm convinced she's a genius!" Now, we are a fairly crafty family. My mother made all of my Halloween costumes. So it isn't like there's some mystical skill my SIL has that my mother doesn't. But saying the costume turned out great/cute/etc. just isn't enough. It has to be quantifiably superior to other people. And it's always conditional. If my brother and SIL were to get divorced, SIL would suddenly be the devil incarnate.

Likewise, her version of showing affection is over the top. She will literally cling to me and say that even if she saw me every day, it "wouldn't be enough."

She's also big on comparisons. I work in a creative field, and the only way she knows how to compliment my work is to say it's better than something/someone else. It's always a competition. Again, all about being superior to others.

She has tried to outright bribe me to get me to do things I don't want to do. I think that in her mind, the "good deeds" she does and gifts she gives buy her the right to be controlling.

My MIL doesn't lovebomb quite as much. Whereas my mother is a "lavish people with gifts and praise and they'll let you walk all over them" type, my MIL is more of a "treat people like crap and magically expect them to keep letting you do it, because they're family."

The main lovebombing I remember from her was when she was actively violating a boundary. She would show up at our house unannounced, despite the fact that we asked her not to. She knew she was doing something that upset us, so she'd bring a "gift," as if that counteracted her rudeness. Sometimes it was a baked good or a random trinket she bought off one of those Home Shopping Network channels. Other times it was literal garbage from my husband's old bedroom.

Again, there seemed to be clear logic there that said, "I know I'm doing something you don't like, but I brought you a gift, so that makes it OK."

I've also experienced lovebombing in friendships, and it always played out the same. Things got very intense very quickly. We were "instant BFFs!" Anything I said about myself, they agreed with. We were "so the same person!" They wanted to hang out all the time.

Looking back, it was very clear I was the "shiny new toy," and their enthusiasm was more about novelty than anything else.

[Palepinkpeony]

In my experience with PD lovebombing, all the positives were front-loaded into the relationship--the flattery, the doing things for you, the being there for you, the promises of a great relationship.  Things happen fast in a lovebombing, faster than what makes sense. There was quickly talk of love and marriage.  And when I say quick, I mean within a month or two. 

The PDs didn't want to give the relationship "time."  It was all now-now-now.  What they wanted, they wanted now. If I hesitated I was lost, because they would give their terrific selves to someone else.  At the time it all seemed very romantic, but in retrospect it was nothing but a pressure sales tactic. 

That is so well put and resonates with my current experience very much. Lots of pressure to do everything ASAP. 

I just wish it were real. The promises, the flattery, the amazing relationship... all precursors to having the rug ripped out from under us. 

[Palepinkpeony]

This pattern of abuse > silent treatment > rugsweeping > lovebombing is a cycle that's been playing out my entire life.

What a painful pattern to experience over and over again. You've been dealing with this for a long time. 

It's also interesting how you've described the friend LB-ing. I can think of a couple of times this has happened to me also and can see the pattern in hindsight. 

[Amy-Rose]

Hi,
I'm not 100% it was love bombing, or in my case "friendship bombing", I've been told it was a "classic case" - whether that meant my ex friend was NPD, BPD or just desperate for friendship remains unknown by me, but it was the weirdest feeling ever.

It was euphoria. I thought I'd found my ideal best friend. My soul sister and it all happened fast!

I knew this woman a little bit as we had a mutual friend but she always came across as shy, reserved, vert self-contained, a loner, a bit unapproachable and we I first met her she was a bit odd with me so I didn't like she liked me. I didn't care.

Then our mutual friend took her own life. She was present that day as she was meant to be visiting her and I went over after finding some worrying texts. That was how our friendship began, the day we lost our friend.

It was very fast paced. One day, not really friends at all just spoke when we had to. The next, she kept coming to my house, suggesting we walk her dogs together to "calm down in nature". It's a bit of a blur actually but I remember quite a few cheap gifts coming my way or nothing or for small things I did for her. Hand picked flowers to say thanks for something - so it was too over the top, just quite frequent. Boxes of chocolates. Fairly frequent contact, but I was seeing her 4-5 times a week. It wasn't as full on as a romantic relationship, but still quicker then normal for me. Information dumping within days. Her "abusive" father she had zero contact with (so you can imagine my surprise when he does seem to be about". Her nasty ex who used her for money so she broke up with him 15 years ago (then the reason they split was he cheated...there were different versions) how mean her employers had been to her, how she looked after two vulnerable family members. She had this way of telling you nothing but making you feel like she was opening up. Something just felt "off" so I never opened up. I didn't kick her off then because I honestly didn't know what was happening, she seemed very sweet, a bit emotionally unstable and due to everything that was going on, I didn't want to be cruel. She had all these friends (who did exist) but you just never saw them.

She would often be very vague with information. Particularly with her mental health. She'd bring it up and when you asked she'd shut the conversation down or be vague (like if I suggested counselling or seeing a GP). She was just so vague to the point it was confusing and often couldn't answer a straight question.
I put a lot of it down to what was going on with our friend's death and other problems in her life.

Another thing she'd do it disappear and two weeks. Two weeks exactly, then return, all sweet and smiley with no explanation for her sudden absence and silence. Back to seeing each other 4-5 times a week for months then, sudden 2 weeks of silence. I spent most of my life finding excuses for her inconsistent behaviour.

Sometimes I felt like she was testing me. Like she'd lie in front of me to people to see if I'd say anything.

As time went by, she started showing up just when she wanted something and I began to notice that seemed to be common with her. She seemed to either be having lots of contact with a friend, none at all, or ignoring them. Constant excuses of being busy. Constantly reminding me how bad her memory was (these things played a big part later on) when her memory seemed pretty good to me.

We appeared to have so much in common.

There was this feeling of enmeshment. There was lots of "we" business when it was her. Like "oh no, now because we were talking we'll be late." I'd think 'we weren't talking. You were." Or "we'll forget, knowing us." she was the one who claimed bad memory, mine was good.

I don't mind being their for friends but it was all about her. And she seemed to think I should care about her problem as much as she did, while my never held any space in our time together. It became more and more about her. I began to feel very used.

I slammed on the breaks when she complained that I was unreliable because she'd showed up at my house out of the blue and I hadn't been home. I had no idea she was coming. That pissed me off, especially when she was the one who had started being unreliable to me.

She was very secretive. I don't mean private, I mean secretive. You knew only what she allowed you to know and there was plenty she tried to hide. I tried to respect her but one minute it was "I'm an open book with you" attitude and the next time you saw her it was a nailed shut book. I never really knew where I stood. One minute friendship bombing and the next flaking on plans for a different friend, then being ignored for weeks, then she'd be back again...it was so inconsistent.

It went down hill from there.

I've had quite a few people suggest BPD rather than NPD for this friend, especially when this friend's sister has BPD. Never had this before or since. It felt fast, intense...like a whirlwind that left this blur behind. I've also had people say it wasn't love bombing and that maybe she was attracted to me.

I wish I knew. I wish someone could tell my confused brain what it went through.
Anyhow I hope this helps someone out there x