Major Problems at Home

[Icantbelieve]

Hi,I live with my mother, who I recently moved back in with after no contact for a year. Since I was still a minor I was able to come back. I've been here for 2 weeks. I came back here from another not so healthy situation. A bit ago I had a birthday that made me a legal adult. My mom holds all my financials, all my doctors information, birth certificate, SSN, highschool diploma, and my phone is off. I have no car and no job due to well I think you could guess. My mom refuses to knock when I'm changing or using the bathroom or showering still and when confronted tells me "it's my body I made it, it's my house I pay the bills" she refuses to let me pay bills as well as take me to any job. I'm not allowed to leave the house without her permission and if I do she said the locks will be locked (I have no key). If she does let me leave she demands when I come home and usually thats random and some more un needed explanation. If I come home even 5 minutes late I am grounded from leaving till she  allows. She says she can tell the police that I hit her first if she hits me first since I'm an adult now it's not child abuse, I haven't been able to record this quote but I have been able to record many others. I know I can't tell her I want to move out even if I say I want a relationship with her still, she will tell me to leave now. I asked earlier today for money that I have saved up that her husband holds onto in his bank, less than a grand but something you'd want back, it was a giant fight and I couldn't tell you how it even lead there but they say me. End of story her husband said he'll give it to me but I don't know when. I guess I just wanted to share idk

[Leonor]

Hello all,

One of the hallmarks of disordered parenting is convincing your child that they are powerless or incapable or somehow incomplete, or that the world is too big or too scary or too unknown for them to navigate it.

You know that song, "Wild World" by Cat Stevens? When I was a teenager I thought that song was so romantic. How could she leave someone who clearly loves her so deeply? Now I'm decades older and I can't stand it. No wonder she's leaving that self-important patronizing narcissist! Good riddance, I say!

That's exactly what PD parents do to their kids. And I say this, for real, as a married person in her 30s who told my therapist that if my mother died I would consider ending my own life because I would feel so desperate and disoriented. (My therapist replied, "Enmeshment much?")

There's lots of ways to do this. Sometimes it's obvious, like opening a bank account in your name but signing onto access. Other times it's a little less so, like worrying about a health issue of yours. Other times it's veiled threats to acknowledge your life choices "even if" they don't agree with them. Sometimes it's emphasizing your specialness, your special relationship with them. And so on.

It's a little easier to see when they do the reverse: dad's health, mom's love, lower pensions, complicated modern technology, etc. But the result is the same: keeping an adult child under their control.

Think of a tree growing around a house. Healthy homes make space for the tree to grow tall. They sow the ground to allow for deep roots. They admire the height and delight in the occasional shade. Unhealthy families will deliberately obstruct that growth. And the tree, which can't stop growing, will begin to twist and knot, depriving itself of sunshine and run dangerously shallow roots along a cracked, dry soilbed.

They are your parents, but neither of you are children. You are both adults. And it's time to grow up.

Growing up means empowering yourself to live your life. You don't need your mom to hand over your birth certificate. You can march yourself down to the county clerk's office and order one. You can open your own bank account or assume full control over the ones in your name. You can purchase a pay as you go phone rather than hope they include you on their plan. Your dad is not your social life coordinator. He doesn't need to meet your dates, let alone like them. You can live on your own, rent a room, share a flat, house sit, whatever, to get out from under their roof. And yes, you can get a crappy job waiting tables or ringing up groceries or temping as a file clerk to make ends meet while working towards that dream degree or job, because that's what everyone does in real life. Welcome to it!

Bad news. They're not going to approve, support, cheerlead, agree, celebrate. And yes, you are going to experience fear and discomfort and anxiety and boredom. Good news: they don't have to like it. You don't have to wait around for their approval. And along with that fear, or anxiety, or just plain boredom, you will also experience exhilarating freedom and empowerment.

Grow tall, you trees!

[bloomie]

Icantbelieve - Welcome to Out of the FOG. Thanks for sharing with us what you are experiencing in your mother's home. Honestly, it sounds pretty awful and I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

It is so understandable if fear would overtake you with this kind of emotional bullying going on. It would also make sense that fear would overtake you as you live with the threat of what sounds like physical violence as well. Your mother's treatment of you and attempts to control you are not love and protection from where I sit on the other side of the screen.

So... there you are in a place you most likely hate being. What is your first step? What are your resources? Do you have friends you can stay with until you can get a job and begin to save money to rent a room or place? Do you have social services in your area or a women's shelter where you can find help and a place to live, job training, until you can get on your feet?

All it takes is one first step. Do it afraid, because I promise you when you do, empowerment will slowly come and you will move more determinedly toward independence and freedom.

I want to add some resources for you because I want to be clear that what you are describing is domestic abuse and theft and all of this creates an atmosphere of risk you are in every day. If you fear for your safety I strongly suggest calling emergency services for help. DO not believe that your mother would be believed above you! That is a lie to control you and intimidate you.

Here is a list of emergency resources:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency

Here is a link to an online domestic abuse hotline where you can chat live with someone who can help you at a level we cannot here at Out of the FOG:

https://www.thehotline.org

Keep coming back as you are able and let us know how you are and for our support on your way!! Sending you strength and so much courage as you take steps to free yourself!!!

[miffyxo]

Hi, I hope you are okay I'm so sorry you're in this situation. That's definitely abuse and I really urge you to get out of your situation.  I experienced something very similar when I was younger. In the end I moved out and got my own job and now completely independent. I said I was moving for 3 months and would be back but it turned into years and I never came back. I've recently cut out all contact with them too. It was really scary becoming financially independent and there have been so many bumps along the way. The past few years have been scary but so worth it, I made new friends and gained my freedom and can buy my own things and go out when I please without being shouted at or abused. It took many more years to realise the extent of my parents behaviour and I'm now getting counselling. I promise things will get better for you, you just have to take that first step. I don't have any of my information either - I've lost access to all my photos, slots of my belongings and my birth certificate but my freedom and happiness is much more important - and there's ways to get a new copy of your birth certificate as already mentioned. Try to take that step, work really hard and be happy! Even if you have to sneak out with a small bag of stuff, find a refuge and never go back again, your parents will never be able to treat you like this again. Good luck!

[Leonor]

Hi I Can't,

I just wanted to extend my empathy to you as well; when I wrote my response, I was under the impression that the thread was titled something about having plans, and the person who wrote the post was quite a bit older. I hope you can find validation and healing here; this is a very warm and supportive community and I apologize if my reply seems disjointed or unhelpful!

[moglow]

Growing up means empowering yourself to live your life. You don't need your mom to hand over your birth certificate. You can march yourself down to the county clerk's office and order one. You can open your own bank account or assume full control over the ones in your name. You can purchase a pay as you go phone rather than hope they include you on their plan. Your dad is not your social life coordinator. He doesn't need to meet your dates, let alone like them. You can live on your own, rent a room, share a flat, house sit, whatever, to get out from under their roof. And yes, you can get a crappy job waiting tables or ringing up groceries or temping as a file clerk to make ends meet while working towards that dream degree or job, because that's what everyone does in real life. Welcome to it!



Bad news. They're not going to approve, support, cheerlead, agree, celebrate. And yes, you are going to experience fear and discomfort and anxiety and boredom. Good news: they don't have to like it. You don't have to wait around for their approval. And along with that fear, or anxiety, or just plain boredom, you will also experience exhilarating freedom and empowerment.

Grow tall, you trees!

I'd suggest getting accounts solely in your name and not where they have theirs. Taking over an account sounds good, but she may have to sign off relinquishing access and you don't want to go there I'm sure. You can absolutely order your own birth certificate AND change your SSN if necessary.

As Leonor pointed out - you may be their child but you're all adults. I'm guessing things were pretty bad if you chose no contact for a year, so mommie dearest is doubling down on control now. Maybe she's being protective, maybe it's all a control mechanism. What you likely need is to take on the adulthood you have. Make it yours. Baby steps they may be, but you can do that. NO ONE can stop you.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Hi,I live with my mother, who I recently moved back in with after no contact for a year. Since I was still a minor I was able to come back. I've been here for 2 weeks. I came back here from another not so healthy situation. A bit ago I had a birthday that made me a legal adult. My mom holds all my financials, all my doctors information, birth certificate, SSN, highschool diploma, and my phone is off. I have no car and no job due to well I think you could guess. My mom refuses to knock when I'm changing or using the bathroom or showering still and when confronted tells me "it's my body I made it, it's my house I pay the bills" she refuses to let me pay bills as well as take me to any job. I'm not allowed to leave the house without her permission and if I do she said the locks will be locked (I have no key). If she does let me leave she demands when I come home and usually thats random and some more un needed explanation. If I come home even 5 minutes late I am grounded from leaving till she  allows. She says she can tell the police that I hit her first if she hits me first since I'm an adult now it's not child abuse, I haven't been able to record this quote but I have been able to record many others. I know I can't tell her I want to move out even if I say I want a relationship with her still, she will tell me to leave now. I asked earlier today for money that I have saved up that her husband holds onto in his bank, less than a grand but something you'd want back, it was a giant fight and I couldn't tell you how it even lead there but they say me. End of story her husband said he'll give it to me but I don't know when. I guess I just wanted to share idk

Can you give us an update?

Please make sure to keep a second copy of the recordings in an email or storage account on the internet somewhere, so that you can access it if you ever lose your device. And do everything you can to make sure they never discover the recordings.

I want to say that I 100% understand what you are going through, in terms of control, and I'm in agreement with the person who suggested talking to a women's shelter. There will be people at the shelter who can help you with financial resources and planning; they are experts in situations like this and can tell you exactly what to do to help you in the best way.