Back again! My wife says she wants to leave the relationship

[harsha_nails]

Context from back in September last year: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=91972.0

Some of the running threads in her outburts/arguments:

• She is done doing things for the relationship, I have taken too much out of the jar etc etc
• She brings up things like "having our child" when she didn't want to be a parent as a huge sacrifice, which is incredibly hurtful. We had one distinct conversation where I had expressed a desire to have a family, that's it. Other than that, it just happened. I never forced her or put pressure on her. And even if I by chance say such things as "hey, it was your choice too" in an argument, she feels hurt and starts to lash out.
• She calls me a defensive person. For instance if there is half cut lemon which hasn't been removed for four days, and she points it out out, and I in my day to day frustration of taking care of a toddler say something like, "hey love, I am sure you have left things unattended too?" - all hell breaks loose. I feel she uses my "defence" as something wrong with my personality. That I am ruining her life by being defensive etc etc
• At this point I am struggling to make sense of reality and who I actually am. Is something wrong with me? Because I had a happy childhood. As an only child, I was probably put on a pedestal and praised a lot and stuff. But that's hardly abnormal. I am trying out an online therapist this week, and I am scared, anxious and angry
• We recently moved countries too, it has been incredibly stressful. My wife is doing online therapy too but she uses some of the affirmations from her therapist in arguments, saying my therapist agrees too etc

We have a two year old, whom I absolutely love and it wrenches my heart, this whole thing. I don't know if it is "testing" or my wife is really serious about my personality being the root cause of outbursts. The latest disproportionate outburst was pulling out all the clothes in the house and throwing them around the house in her anger. I am back asking her to "please let it go" - for the sake of our child and I feel scared and ashamed

[bloomie]

harsha_nails - hi and welcome back. I'm sorry this has sat for a couple of days, but want to say this sounds like an atmosphere that would make anyone unsure and doubting of themselves. How hard to be facing this in your marriage.

I read your back story and past posts. What you are describing is a toxic environment for you and your child. Living with the sense of impending doom that what sounds like highly triggered and unstable behaviors that are abusive to you are always on the horizon should you say the 'wrong' thing, or do the 'wrong' thing is crushing to the spirit and soul. One of our hero members says it something like this: "when someone treats you bad 10% of the time and good 90% of the time, you feel bad 100% of the time."

We support you as you share here and can point you toward resources and help, but this seems serious enough to warrant you find a some in real life help to figure out best steps when faced with hitting, spitting, threats, and unstable behaviors from your wife. If this began after childbirth, that is something else to examine and seek next level medical evaluation and help with. If these are common behaviors for your wife, then finding tools and strategies in how best to keep yourself and your child safe are your highest priority and responsibility.

I grew up with a mother who sounds very, eerily similar to your wife. I can tell you from first hand experience that I would have given anything for my other parent to have taken a strong, loving, engaged position in response to my mother's very serious problems. You are the only advocate for yourself and a very young child. Talking all of this through with a trained professional could help bring much needed clarity for you.

[SonofThunder]

Hi there harsha_nails,

Great response/advice as always from Bloomie and so I add my +1 to Bloomies wise and caring words.  Glad you are here.  You are not alone in your experiences.

SoT