Narcissistic friend as mother

[Jae]

I'm sorry for a long post, but it's a really complicated situation and I'm in dead end

My friend has multiple sclerosis for more than 20 years. She doesn't work (because of MS) but she seems quite fit, energetic, altough she has severe problems with her weight. Her disease in a miraculous way doesn't progress, she's not handicapped heavily.

I know she's sick, and that sick people can be difficult, I know.. but I'm very concerned that she also shows a lot of narcissistic traits. I often found her dominating, putting down, gossiping about people around for no visible reason, even about those who help her a lot and care about her. She always describes herself as a victim but she's certainly very demanding person and for sure she won't let anyone disregard her even in slightest way. Many people just cut the contact with her, probably because of her gossiping and manipulative behavior, now her close friends I've heard from her started to claim that she's just using people (there are others who are for example mentally disabled, simple-minded who stay with her and don't care what she says about them) I believe that she slanders heavily people who rebelled against her, that she gathers sensitive information about people and reveals it when they make her angry somehow. If she has nothing to gossip on she just makes out generic things that a person has huge problems, is crazy, mentally unstable, etc. I know this, because I've listened to many compromising stories about her friends so far. (eg. someone is mentally disturbed or prodigal, lazy)

Now here's the main point - she has an adult son (18) who wants to leave the house and live on his own and asked me for help behind his mother's back. I believed him knowing his mother's behaviour from the past, but I've never had the guts to stand up against her openly (she usually goes out and slanders on people that have any problem with her). The boy has already found himself a great job in stables, he loves working with horses. His mother's idea is to force him to get disability pension (he's not really disabled), so both of them can make use of that money. The kid refuses to do so, because he doesn't want to be perceived as someone handicapped, like many of his mother's friends. His "disability" would include rheumatism, back problems and also several mental issues that were reported throughout the years. He doesn't want that, he wants to live as a normal person, get a normal job. He recently had military qualification tests and got a highest grade, despite of previous record of "issues", the army had access to his medical history.

I suspect that he was just a victim of narcissistic abuse and his issues (depression, anger) were caused by his mother behavior like gaslighting, verbal abuse, gossiping, denying his point of view. I've often seen her nagging him about some past problems when he was happy and thriving, she was putting him down. I know that she's lying when she says she never gossiped about her son, I've heard that she did it many times behind his back, making him look like little monster to people. Then after the smear campaign she reverted the situation back to normal, but he got depressed then.

Few times she told me that she has to have him under control by horribly yelling at him, because if he gets stronger he'll start to control her. (She told me that it was psychologist's advice, because the boy is antisocial and that's the way of copying with such children!) I also saw her in action shouting, it was quite cruel. The boy claims that she breaks all his close relationships, if she's able to do so, after his friends or their parent contact his mother he always looses them. She also often denies what he says (eg. her not taking MS drugs for years or that she has debts), making him a confabulator or liar. The kid wants to move out because he says he can't stand living with her anymore. I believe him because I got to know him, he's really positive, humble, honest, ambitious and smart.

Our problem is that she has MS (supposedly, she didn't have attack for 20 years or more) .. on the other hand she also seems narcissistic and hurts people a lot. (If you could hear how badly she talks about people around her, and there's no single person I didn't hear any gossip about their very private matters) After two weeks her son is away on his new vacation job she hoovers around to get him back home. Her reasoning is that she can't go 4 times down and up the stairs to do the shopping or walk the dog, whereas I'm seeing she constantly goes on trips to visit different places every week with friends. I suspect she's not having MS, like her son is not really disabled. (An army test confirmed that) My brain explodes, because things don't add up for years, it seems to me she's deliberately lying and don't really care about people around, but it's hard to make it obvious.. she shows herself as a saint person.

Now I feel like a monster, a person who plots against her supporting her son to arrange his life without her, while at the same time I talk to her and often lie that he's not determined to leave her. But he is and it was his choice. She's saying so many nice things to me, the fact is that I've helped her financially, supported her. See seeks support from me but I feel like I'm being cheated to some point and at the same time I feel like I'm betraying her. Now I see she's not really ok, that in my opinion she lies and she's using her disease in a manipulative way. It's not possible to go on this way much longer.

I also often felt being used by her in her plotting, put down and controlled many times, but I've managed break connection and distance from her somehow, without her really notice I did it. (relationship, work, busy, etc.) On the other hand now I worry that when she knows what I really think and do behind her back, she'll take the revenge. In my opinion she pretends to be weak and victimized person, but my feeling it's fake, too many details not matching up. Her son confirms it. (but she'll say he's mentally disturbed)

We also suspect that she may pretend to have an MS attack to get the boy back home. She's really only into him help her at home, which isn't much just walk the dog and shopping, despite she has a lot of people around her that could help her out, she doesn't really care about his new awesome job, friends, new live. I'm worried that what she really wants bay be the narcissistic fuel from putting him down. Now he's thriving away from her.

Is going no-contact ethical in such case? How to protect the kid, so he's not drawn back into her toxic arms. I would appreciate any ideas on how to cope with such situation.

[UnNegated]

I can tell you as one who left home to escape from similar circumstances that there could be nothing more meaningful than someone willing to step into the breach and offer support to escape from such an unhealthy situation.  I think your read of what you are dealing with is spot on.  When in doubt, do the next right thing.  It is scary, but her son will likely be grateful to you for as long as he draws breath.

[Leonor]

I am going to offer a different perspective: if you do not enjoy being around this woman, for whatever reason, there is no reason to be in any sort of relationship with her.

This woman's relationship to her adult son is none of your business, and this man's relationship to his adult mother is none of your business.

If her son is an independent adult who has some kind of relationship with you outside the relationship between you and his mother, you can maintain that relationship. Holiday cards, birthday greetings, etc., just as you would with any other adult acquaintance.

In any case, even if he were a minor child in her custody, any relationship you could have with him would have to be at a respectful, boundaried distance to allow you to be a positive figure in his life while protecting yourself from her.

However, as an adult, he is also capable of determining the kind of relationship he wants to have with his mother.

Sometimes as we become more aware of personality disorders and dysfunctional relationships in the course of our healing, we begin to perceive those same disorders and dysfunctions in people around us ... And in our desire to heal ourselves, feel compelled to heal others as well. But that will only lead us into dysfunctional patterns: triangulating with your friend's adult son, or trying to manipulate her into behaving as you would like.

If he truly is thriving, the last thing he needs is his mother's friend meddling in his new life to ensure he doesn't do what his mother's friend thinks it would be best for him to do.

Even more healing than trying to fix your capable friend or "save" her grown son would be to look deep into yourself to learn more about what has kept you in relationship with a person who mistreats you and why it is so painful for you to walk away now that you see how much damage being in contact with her does to your own healing.