Less Confused, but Still Hurt by Friend's Behavior

[countrygirl]

Hi,

Well, I had hoped things had calmed down with my confusing and hurtful friend, but they have not.

Yesterday, she texted that she was at the doctor's, but would be leaving soon and would call me.  I had no idea why she was at the doctor's, but of course wrote to ask if she was okay. I wondered what was up.

To make a long story short, she was sure that she was having the same symptoms her brother had. She was checked over, and all is fine.  She was already on muscle relaxants, but the doctor gave her more.  I expressed all manner of concern.  And I have continued to ask how her brother is doing.

Note:  She did not fly cross country to see him, as she'd said she was going to do.  Tonight she told me that she had wanted to be there earlier last week, but couldn't get a flight until a day or two later.  Then, she said her "body prevented her from going," plus her fear of flying.  But she said that she would go. After she said all of that, I thought we could discuss things a bit--I hadn't brought it up before now--so I mentioned that I thought it was good that she was going, which I'd said to begin with, that all that had concerned me was the open ended return.

We were there for each other during the worst of the pandemic, and we functioned as a small family unit, as "a pod" as some people called their small groups during Covid.  I freely admit that I felt a bit panicky at the idea of her leaving with no idea of when she would return. 

As I have said before, she always wants to know when I'll be returning, even when I'm away for only a few days.

Well, tonight she blew up when I mentioned this. She started yelling at me, saying she was going to get off the phone.  I just couldn't take any more, and I hung up the phone, which is very unusual behavior for me.   

I hope this doesn't make you cringe, but I actually texted and asked her to forgive me!  Instead of doing so, she wrote that I did not care about her. 

Again, I must have spent at least ten hours on the phone discussing her brother's health scare.  Ten hours during the past week or so.  And several hours yesterday I listened to everything about her health, and asked her how she was doing earlier today.  Tonight before the blow-up,  learned that she hadn't had a muscle relaxant today, and I urged her to take one, because she has been wound up tight. 

My guy friend said that I made a mistake when I asked for her forgiveness, because then "she had me where she wanted me," and she really went to town.

So, once again, I am up late at night, pecking away on "Out of the FOG." 

I should not have hung up the phone.  I am not in the habit of doing this, not at all, but I felt angry.  I feel that she is all too ready to blow up at me, but seldom gives me credit for being there for her. And I always am, and always have been.

Instead of accepting my apology, she berated me some more, saying she was "shocked." Neither of us mentioned that it was her explosion which ignited the situation.

I do think Cat of the Cat might be right ,and that she is not expressing anger toward her family, so is dumping it on me. My bet about her not visiting is that she was told that it was not a good time for her to come and park herself on her brother for some weeks. 

I just wish that I didn't care.  I wish that it didn't hurt that she wouldn't accept my apology.  And, once again, I'm wondering if we'll still be friends tomorrow.

As always, I would appreciate any thoughts or comments anyone might have.  I do feel bad for hanging up the phone, but she wasn't the only one who has been tense.   

[moglow]

... She started yelling at me, saying she was going to get off the phone.  I just couldn't take any more, and I hung up the phone, which is very unusual behavior for me.   


I hope this doesn't make you cringe, but I actually texted and asked her to forgive me!  Instead of doing so, she wrote that I did not care about her.

Not a cringe, but really? What on earth did you have to apologize for? If ever there was a time to just hang up, that was it. Someone yelling at you that they need to get off the phone? Done.

I agree, it IS rude to abruptly hang up on someone. Even as badly as we've been treated, manners. I also try to ride with do unto others, but damn. You're getting run over here and getting right back in line for the next round.

Practice this, "I understand. We'll talk another time then. Goodbye." Then don't call back. Wait for them to decide they want to talk. If you turn around and call, it just stirs everything back up, no one has a chance to settle down. She got defensive and made immediate excuses for her poor behavior, as I would have expected (based on similar experience).

Consider taking a step back, letting her miss this friendship a bit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. You don't have to be anyone's punching bag, and that's what this feels like. Whatever she's going through, there's no reason to drag you through it backwards. We ALL have problems and pain and situations we can do nothing about. That doesn't mean we should grind others down with it.

[xredshoesx]

i agree with mo- it's ok to take a step back from a friend who may not be honoring the friendship as much as you are.  i like the idea of letting the other party initiate the next contact.

my DH and i have been friends with a couple for YEARS (i've literally known the wife's family more than half my life) and they are divorcing.  ok, we've decided to be switzerland and take a neutral stance on this.  both of them are claiming the other to be uNPD...... in our interactions with the wife she tries really hard to not say bad things about HIM and doesn't post negative stuff on social media and she's taking steps to move on with her life.  coincidentally if we talk it's not really about what happened or HIM.  on the other hand when we talk to the husband he's still in the blame her mode, posts a lot of TMI on facebook, including post after post how he's so lonely, lost all their mutual friends, etc. 

they had given us a calendar with their respective birthdays on it for a gift and we have done something small but kind to honor her day, invited him and his dad over for BBQ but he's not interested but he steady keeps pumping poor me posts out...

so what we decided to do is let him pick up the ball when/ if he's ready.  not all people are in our lives for all seasons.  we haven't ghosted or ignored him- however he flat out doesn't want to NOT be in the place he's in in his head currently and i'm not interested in hearing him run her down every time we talk ATM. 

[Catothecat]

I've practiced the non-response type of response that moglow recommends on friends who've pulled this stunt on me, and it seems to work most of the time.  It disrupts their train of thought when you don't respond as they expect, when you don't give them what they're wanting (i.e., the opportunity to make you look like the person in the wrong).  She knows full well she was out of line and talking BS, but as long as she feels she got you to take responsibility, she's fine with it.

This is a type of comfort zone people like her live in.  They bring any negative situation back to you and dump it on your doorstep, even when they were the one to create and maintain the situation. That way, they maintain their psychological comfort.  You, however, suffer the consequences.

I agree that she probably got put in her place by her family but won't admit it and is now making excuses for why she didn't do what she said she'd do.  And when you question her too closely, she gets defensive (because she knows she's lying about the situation) and acts out.  But at the same time, if you don't question her too closely, she'd likely be offended because that would mean you didn't really care.  No matter how it plays out, you can't win.

I, too, think leaving the situation alone for now would be the best solution.  Back away but don't shut the door.  If she's really a friend, she won't disappear.  If she does disappear, she's probably going to do that anyway and is just looking for an excuse. 

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I so appreciate your responses. 

There's been a further, very upsetting development.

My friend wrote and asked me not to contact her today.  At the same time, she sent me her brother's address and said he would love to get a card from me.  I feel really weird:  She doesn't want me to even write to her, yet she expects me to write to her brother, who I barely know. (She sent his address.)

It also really bothers me that she gives herself permission to write to me, but I am not allowed to respond. 

Now, I definitely agree with you, that the best thing is to withdraw, and let her be the one to reach out. 

After all, practically, what am I expected to do?  Am I supposed to contact her once I have her permission?

Despite all of the turmoil, I feel very upset at the loss of the friendship.  I wish that I did not feel this way, but I do.  I'm having a really hard time. 

[moglow]

Whenever there's turmoil, your best course of action is to wait it out. You don't need her permission for that. Don't respond, and certainly don't respond to any "you knew I was hurting and you didn't calllll!" should those appear later. 

Clear message here - she needs time, space, room to work through whatever. 
Don't be bothered or upset - it's her stuff and she's told you what she needs. Honor that and don't apologize for it. 

As for the card, you decide. If you barely know him, it's entirely likely it doesn't matter to him one way or the other. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Moglow,

Thank you so much, Moglow.   

Yes, I will honor her wishes.  And since she did not accept my apology, I don't feel like speaking with her anyway.  Had she not been yelling at me, I would not have hung up the phone.

I will send a card to the brother, because he was nice when I met him, and I do wish him well. In fact, I already sent him my best wishes via email.

I think she wanted me to write him, because she feels that it reflects well on her. 

Again, thank you so much for reading my post and for responding.  Not to be melodramatic, but this is very hard.     

[moglow]

Just - be easy with yourself. She maybe didn't accept the apology knowing she doesn't deserve one. Maybe on some level she realizes she owes you one and hasn't gotten there yet. Or she's embarrassed knowing she hasn't already. I guess I could ask, does she ever apologize when she's done you wrong or does she move on to the next thing leaving you hanging? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 

We can pick it apart nine ways to next Sunday but fact remains, she was wrong to take all her stuff out on you. That's a mighty hard way to manage a friendship.

[countrygirl]

Hi Moglow,

I have always liked your quotation from The Scarlet Letter.  I love Hawthorne.  He really understood and despised hypocrisy.   I went to Concord with this friend and a couple of other friends.  We toured his house, and I placed a couple of flowers on his grave, in the Concord graveyard.   

To answer your question--and I really appreciate you being interested enough to ask--her way is to move on.   She is not someone to apologize, because she doesn't usually admit that she did something wrong.  Instead, if I get upset, she turns the tables and say that I am at fault.

As you can see, I am all too willing to accept being at fault.  I do wish I hadn't become upset with her, but I did.  However, it was a momentary thing. 

I wrote a card and sent it to her brother's home address. 

I have done all that I could do.

Again, thank you so much for your interest, Moglow.   It means so much.   I am going to try to calm down, because I don't want to upset everyone around me.  But writing about this and your words have really helped.  I am sending all best wishes your way!