Life-threatening illness

Marianne · June 17, 2023, 12:27:01 PM

I minimalized contact with my dad recently. Professionals suspect he has autism and personality disorder, but he wants no test. He was raised by a narcissist mother and at least has fleas. I myself got my problems too. Current diagnosis is PTSD with secundary psychosis. The latter is under control now. Working my ass off to navigate my kid (12) through all this. Dad uncooperative. Does not want help. Refuses honesty.

Minimalization of contact made me stronger. And I finally have a team of professionals (CPS/MH) who believe me. I was so hopeful, working on everything.

But.

Now my medical situation is suddenly scary. I have deep vein thrombosis. And I have a huge myoma, which causes extreme blood loss in combination with a blood thinner, and makes the situation scary with or without meds. I'm being rushed into talks with docs now. Probably will have an urgent hysterectomy. But it isn't sure if I'm strong enough, with severe anemia and all. I have heart rhythm issues too. Stress was not kind on my body. I guess. People in my family tend to drop dead from heart attack at my age.

I'm struggling to cope. But also. Fear of death, made me reconnect to dad. Which was...rough.

As an example: we had a bad talk. Neither of us was kind. Too much stress. I developped severe chest pain after, radiating to my arm, and shortness of breath. I needed to be rushed to the ER with a suspicion of heart attack. In my fright, I instinctively wanted my dad. I know it is stupid. But I did not want to die without reconciliation. I was scared.

Dad's response: why are you calling? I do not want to speak to you. You are being difficult. Do you have any idea, how difficult all this is for me?

I've been accused of being difficult all my life. My dad still thinks me being scared to visit people after incest, was a sign of being a difficult child. With bad character. And tells me how hard that was for them (wasnt having fun either with incest and all...but I'm sure me being nervous to visit people was a lot worse for you

). But to be told I am difficult...because I inform him I am rushed to the ER with suspected heart attack, in the context of a recent thrombosis/heart rhythm problem.

I mean.

It's a bit much. I can't be kind anymore either. I begged him to seek help, because I'm literally physically breaking down. He says he sees no need. I mean. If this is not need...then wtf is?

Out of ideas. It's a bit much now. And I just really want my dad to be a dad, in such extreme times. I'm trying my very very best to cope for my kid. I was stronger. But yet another life event is a bit much.

Marianne · June 17, 2023, 03:04:05 PM

I also feel stupid. I should not have contacted dad, now I am ill. I suddenly got death fright though, with everything going on. And was so scared to leave him behind without kind words. :-/

moglow · June 17, 2023, 03:27:55 PM

Marianne, his stuff isn't yours to fix. You shouldn't have to pay for it, nor the fact that he's refused to seek help for himself all this time. It's one thing to suffer and be abused as children, there's not one thing any of us could do then. As adults, so many consciously chose to not pass that along to the next generation. We work harder at times to be sure we don't do that. That the adults in *our* lives didn't choose to do better by us, that's on them.

As for all this being so difficult for him?? Well, la dee frickin da! Not one ounce of concern for YOU, his child?! Sometimes all we can do is find acceptance and know that truly, none of this is personal . Yes they are our parents and that's an added twist, but i'm convinced parents like ours see no one but than themselves. Sickening and selfish as that is, it's all there.

The body truly does keep score. Step back and do what you need for yourself and your own child. Be kind to y'all so your recovery is possible. Dad can figure his out without you for a while. Maybe it's time.

daughter · June 18, 2023, 07:09:08 PM

Suggest you take a break from your dad, concentrate on your health emergency and own family needs.

Our parents are grownups, responsible for their actions, and non-actions. Likewise, that "life script", where you are "trouble-maker", no longer is your role to fill. Drop the rope, give yourself some healing distance.

Best wishes to you!

Marianne · June 21, 2023, 03:01:02 AM

Thanks. You are right.

It was a bit of a mindf*ck. Stepped away from certain religious ideas (not God). Stepped away from my family. Started to do better. Have hope again. Be there for kid. And bam. Medical emergency. Fear of death. My mind whispers: honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. See. You were angry with your dad. Next thing you are dying. $:-\$ It's the threats and guilttripping still working through.

I stopped trying to reconcile with dad. It is no use. He has kind moments, strangely, which is confusing. Has worries. But his kid was rushed to the ER several times last weeks...with heart and vein problems...directly after conversations with him, and the stress over that. She begs him to please seek help, for the sake of her child. And he still refuses. With the words of a two year old in the no-phase: no, i will not do it, because i do not need to listen to what you ask me.

I mean...if this is not reason to change. Then nothing is.

I just...I am physically and emotionally exhausted by this new thing. I can't see a way out. My kid is still with him, so I cannot fully disconnect. Or let it be. And CPS is moving so slowly that my kid will be 30 and I dead before something changes. We were making plans to change the situation...and now the DVT ruins the whole thing.

I'm trying to stay strong for my kid. But.

NarcKiddo · June 21, 2023, 06:41:50 AM

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this on top of some very scary health issues. I wish you successful treatment and a full recovery.

You said you just want your dad to be a dad. I totally get that desire. But I think you may just have to deal with the fact that he probably won't. I mean, if he won't step up to the plate in the face of all of this, then when will he?

You need to look after you, first and foremost, so you can be there for your child.

I am not religious, though I was brought up within a supposedly Christian family and I know my stuff, as it were. I don't think honouring your father and mother means pandering to them and never getting angry with them. I think it means treating them with respect as fellow human beings and not doing them active harm. That does not mean going along with whatever they say because they claim that for you to do otherwise will cause them harm.

Wishing you all the best.

Marianne · June 23, 2023, 10:02:01 AM

Thank you. Dad now says he loves me. And worries. And wants to speak with someone together. And that he always wanted to seek help together (well, no, you did not). And I need to start seeing things differently (no).

It is no use. But strategically I cannot refuse. Or I'm the one who does not want to talk. If any CPS or court or whatever will get involved around kid. I called a specialist in narcissism. And we'll talk. Wish me luck.

In the meanwhile, I'm talking to a psychologist of my own. And CPS. And everyone. And trying desperately to relax. When every inch of my body is in extreme stress mode.

Marianne · July 03, 2023, 06:17:53 AM

Sorry for the dramatic post. I just respond horribly bad to any and all lactose, even traces that I am not aware of. Plus: for the first time in years I had hope again that all was changing for the good. I felt strong. Building up our lives in all areas. Balanced. Then DVT/PE crushed all that. And took me off guard completely. Acute fear of death was not an extra I could cope with yet. And I feel very guilty right now for being too harsh on my dad. He is socially/emotionally very limited. Even if I am literally almost dying of pulmonary embolism from stress over our family, he barely responds. Just blocking out everything and anything he doesn't like to see. And making offensive jokes even when I'm in the hospital for a CT for PE. But he is not bad in his core. Just clueless and hidden between big walls.

Struggling how to get myself up and continue life. Still terrified this is God sending lighthning and thunderbolts as punishmment for not respecting my parents - and Him.

Must get back on my feet for kid. Not sure how. At least the I-almost-choke-attacks stopped now. Which helps a lot. But. :-/

Poison Ivy · July 03, 2023, 05:31:55 PM

Is there a religious counselor that you could talk to, Marianne? That might help with your feelings about retribution and punishment.

NarcKiddo · July 04, 2023, 04:46:25 AM

Talking to a counsellor sounds like a good idea.

I think you need to be gentle with yourself and prioritise your own health and wellbeing. You have said you need to get back on your feet for your kid, and that means you need to put yourself first right now.

I hope you feel better soon.

Liketheducks · July 04, 2023, 03:08:28 PM

Marianne,
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Health scares change everything. Take care of yourself. Don't let him persuade you that you're holding him accountable as an adult has anything to do with your health issues. Crappy things happen to everyone. Not doing what he expects of you doesn't cause DVT. Make yourself the priority and make sure in future interactions that he understands that you're going through a very difficult time.
I'm so sorry. I've had PE's, it IS scary. Wishing you healing thoughts and peace.

Marianne · July 05, 2023, 02:46:40 PM

Thank you so much. All of you.

I'm still terrified. Every moment of breathlessness, every pain in my chest, makes me think of all the wrongs I did in my life. And that I am dying. And might go to hell.

I did have a real good talk with my dad. I'm so happy. I had a deadscare again with pain in the heart region, and told him so. His dad died of heart attack, very young, so I do think it might scare him. I think I have misjudged him. We both softened. He was supportive. And he admitted that mum and him, they both had had a lot of stress in their lives, they had made mistakes, they weren't always easy for me. But they loved me. I think I was too harsh on him. I think we both had such a difficult time that we lost each other. I wasn't always kind either. He was kind now. And much more understanding. I think he is also scared of what is happening to me...

I hope I still have time. And God forgives me. And there can grow a bit more of this, between dad and me. I do not want to die in a fight. I should be forgiving.

moglow · July 05, 2023, 03:14:16 PM

Marianne, please stop beating yourself up for all the ills around you. We've all done wrong and no doubt will again - what we're in desperate need of is forgiveness for and understanding within ourselves. You can absolutely be forgiving and recognize that he too has a past, and *still* have a need to minimize or at least limit interaction with them. One does not preclude the other. Dad's going to be whoever he's going to be and you need a firm footing for yourself regardless of your choices.

For what it's worth, I don't believe honoring your parents means being their punching bag. I believe honor and respect works both ways, whether you are the parent or the "child". When all else fails, I remind myself: ".do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." [Ephesians 6:4] Take whatever step back you need to take care of yourself, and work on that impulse to apologize for it. Just because it's what you were taught doesn't mean it's right.

Marianne · July 30, 2023, 01:29:43 PM

Hey. Thanks. That was all very scary. Lung and leg embolisms. Not being heard by family and docs when my life was in danger. I stabilized a bit physically and emotionally though. I can walk again. Breathe. Do things without having heart pain. Do things without thinking of death 24/7. Do fun things with my child. All very underappreciated things.

The confrontation with life-threatening illness was a tremendous mindfuck. Especially right after telling my dad unkindly to get out of my life. And taking a bit of distance from my religion (not God). I have learned I am a bad person if I do something wrong, even minor, and that I will be punished by rejection...so nearly dying after this was terrifying. It genuinely felt like I was told: do this differently or else...

It did make me reconsider what I want in life. In the words of a child of an autistic mother: "I chose to love her. I can close my heart for her because she does not give me what I need. But then I also fail to see and receive the things does give." I talked with some people who know my dad...and perhaps the basis is autism. With some learned narcissist behaviour under stress. But still, autism. The saddening thing...is my parents tried so very hard. They lacked understanding of my basic needs and feelings as a child, and even now. But they tried their best. I think my faith asks of me to see, love and forgive them. Radically.

1.I do want to take care of myself better. If I do not, I cannot take care of my child or anyone really. I'm on a campsite now for rest, with a comfi rental caravan, healthy food, and a lot of exercise to get fit again, and a loving friend near, and nature. I will focus on living my own life well, rather than on convincing dad to treat me well. I can forever try to get something from him that he is not capable of giving...but that is senseless.

2. I also want to take care of my child better. I am making a plan with CPS to change things. Also, I need to stay out of fights with my dad no matter what. Because my kid suffers for it. I'm asking all the help I can get with this. He constantly triggers me. And he constantly does weird things...like right now he is on a 3 week holiday with my kid...and he says there is no need to discuss such things with me...so he just books it. That is nasty. And triggering. And abnormal. But telling him so makes it worse for all. So I need to work through CPS. Around my dad. And not respond emotionally to him. I need to set boundaries like that. But through professionals.

3. But. As said. I want to love and forgive. We have a cycle of criticism and countercriticism. And someone needs to stop that. I want to see and explicitly name his good sides. I want that of him. I need to offer that in return then too. I need to find a better way to deal with boundary crossings than fighting or fawning. No matter what. Kindness is needed here. I think he struggles after mum died. There was so much hardship for him as well. I'm going to be kind. It hurts my kid, him, and also me, if I hurt him back. Or am overly harsh.

Marianne · July 30, 2023, 07:49:23 PM

I was kind to dad. And he responded with kindness. I think we were in a spiral of being more and more harsh to each other. And the only way to step over to the upward spiral is to be kind myself. While releasing the control over his response. That is his problem. I can only do my part.

We will also have a talk with a professional.