I believe my partner and his son both have a PD. I need to get out but can't.

[themoralcompass]

There is a lot to unpack here so please hang in here with me.
 
My fiancé and I are in our late 40s/early 50s.  He has two teenagers in high school (son is 17 in 11th grade, daughter is 15 in 10th grade) who live with him full time because their mom is unstable due to her own mental health issues.  To my knowledge, she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and she has been declared disabled through Social Security.  Based on my own observations of her behavior and her current mental state, it is much more serious and goes way beyond depression/anxiety.  Anyway, I met him while his divorce was wrapping up and we have been together for 4 years.  We have been engaged for 2 years and we live separately in our own homes.  Because of so many unhealthy dynamics and behaviors which have been normalized in their home, I drew the line and said I would not be comfortable living together or getting married until the kids are on their own.  I understood that could be 5+ years down the road, but it has been my boundary and I also believe it to be best for everyone.  Initially, we had a seemingly solid relationship and spent every other entire week together.  He had 50/50 custody of his kids, week on week off.  A year and a half or so later, when he got full custody of the kids because of his exwife's mental health crisis, our time went down to one overnight a week at my house with a little time spent together with the kids on the weekends and usually no weekdays (because of his job and the kids' commitments).  Because of things that have occurred over the last week and the crises now going on with him and the kids, we will have little to no time together for the foreseeable future.  I have been highly supportive, encouraging and I never questioned any of these changes of circumstance because it was in the kids' best interests. But now, everything has changed and I am overwhelmed.

There have always been issues with both my partner and the kids.  My partner and his son have both been diagnosed with ADHD within the last couple years. His daughter is very intelligent, highly driven and very mature for her age for obvious reasons.  They lived in a very unhealthy and destructive environment for over 14 years with an unstable wife/mom.  In time, I have learned that my partner has some highly questionable and unhealthy traits and behaviors that are not a result of the volatile and unhealthy marriage and are most likely his own personality disorders/issues (admitted lack of empathy, constant lying and dishonesty, passive-aggressiveness, instability, impulsive and compulsive behaviors, fear of rejection and abandonment, and so on).  Some of the behaviors are symptoms of ADHD but it goes far beyond ADHD.  Both of the kids have serious emotional struggles on many levels because they were raised by two unhealthy parents: an anxious, depressed, disordered and dysfunctional mother; and a codependent, passive aggressive and dismissive/neglectful father.  After the divorce, their mom spiraled into a mental health crisis and she has mostly abandoned and rejected the kids.  My partner has struggled with having full custody and, in my opinion, he has been negligent and complicit in all of this.  It's a lot and it is heartbreaking.

To my knowledge, issues with his son started a couple years ago before their mom gave up custody. We/I found some very unhealthy and disturbing content on his phone (gross porn stuff) and that led to the discovery of some serious behavioral problems (stealing/wearing his mom's underwear and taking photos of himself, which were saved on his phone).  It was very concerning to me but other than him losing his phone and video games for a couple weeks, nothing much was done.  I pushed for therapy but his son didn't want to go and my partner didn't force it.  Some other things came up about a year ago and, again, nothing much was done about it.  My partner pretty much said "I know what you are doing, stop doing it and don't do it again." Because I do not live with them and they are not my children, my involvement is limited, I don't get all of the facts and so there isn't much I can do.  Not surprisingly, something happened last week which revealed that his behavior is out of control and has been escalating.  I can't go into the fine details here, but it involves more underwear stuff but he is now stealing from his sister and he got caught trying to take photos of her under the crack in the door while she was in the bathroom.  It's horrific.  All of it.  His behavior crossed so many lines.  He did something that negatively affected and harmed his sister with absolutely no regard for her feelings or how it would harm her.  This has caused her so much emotional distress, humiliation and fear.  She told her dad what happened and she then texted me because she didn't feel like her dad was taking it seriously.  And, I agree with her.  He didn't take it seriously then and, in my opinion, he still isn't.  She told me later that he has been stealing her worn underwear for over a year and that she found stashes of her and her mother's underwear in his room.

When confronted, his son initially lied and denied to his dad, but came clean when his sister was present in the room.  His dad talked to him about how inappropriate it was, but he didn't take a deep dive with either kid.  His daughter confided in me that she didn't feel safe or comfortable at home and I told my partner that his son needed to stay with grandma and grandpa for a few days until this was figured out and a plan was put into motion.  I went with them on the trip to the grandparent's house and asked most of the uncomfortable questions.  He was seemingly honest, forthcoming, remorseful and regretful of what he did and has been doing.  He said he needed and wanted help because he can't stop these behaviors but he didn't know how to ask for help.  He said he gets "hormonal" urges and cannot control his actions unless he acts on the urges.  He admitted to taking pictures of his sister prior to this incident and swore up and down that he didn't share them with anyone or post them online.  I told him I appreciated and respected his honesty and that we would get him help.

Since the incident last week, so much has happened and come to light.  So many things that are beyond unhealthy, unacceptable, highly disturbing, frightening, shocking, heartbreaking, you name it.  It's beyond comprehension, to be honest.  I don't believe my partner has placed the appropriate level of seriousness on any of it and I believe he is failing both of his kids.  His son has therapy scheduled for this week but therapy is not enough.  While his son was still with his grandparents, my partner was going through his son's room and found a letter his son wrote after he got caught and before he left the house that day.  The letter made references to how the family would be better off without him and he wanted to be gone.  When my partner called me to tell me what he found, I insisted that he pick his son up immediately and take him for inpatient crisis care.  He was clearly in a crisis and needed psychological intervention and treatment.  Instead, my partner called and talked to him on the phone.  His son insisted that he didn't mean any of it and he promised he wouldn't hurt himself. My partner believed him said he thought he was okay now.  I ended up having a panic attack and begged him to at least call the 24/7 crisis hotline to get their opinion. I panicked because I am a suicide survivor and witnessed a loved one die by suicide five years ago.  He called and he told me they said it sounded like his son would be fine until his therapy appointment.  There is absolutely no way he told them everything that happened, told him about the note and gave a full disclosure.  If something isn't done for this poor kid, he is going to hurt himself, his sister or someone else.  If he doesn't get the psychiatric help he needs, his behavior will keep escalating and he is going to end up doing something that causes someone and himself serious harm.  If he continues on this path without the appropriate help, I don't know how he will not end up in prison someday.  The only hope I have is that therapists are mandatory reporters.  If the therapist is given full and accurate details of what occurred over the last week and has been occurring for years, he will have to report some things to authorities which would also start the mental health treatment process.  In the meantime, his son is now home.  I ordered a new door lock for his daughter's bedroom door which has a touchpad and fingerprint sensor to help her feel more secure and it was installed before he came home.  And, door guards have been put in place blocking the view from under the doors.  But, these are band-aids.  I asked my partner what his plan was going forward and how he was going to handle this.  How will he respond to the next inevitable incident?  How will he handle the treatment/recovery process and his son's reactions to not being able to give in to his compulsions?  He said he didn't know.  But he suggested "a foster home."  After I asked him how that would help his son, make things better for anyone and how he thought that could possibly be a solution, I ended the conversation and we haven't spoke about it since.  My heart hurts for these kids and I have seen a side of my partner that is beyond neglectful and morally unacceptable. 

I have been standing by all of them throughout the years and doing everything I possibly can to help them, while also keeping firm boundaries in place.  I stepped in and have become a "bonus mom" to his kids, especially his daughter.  I love and care for them both very deeply.  I have always extended grace, responded with love, compassion and concern throughout all of this.  I have encouraged my partner, his daughter and the grandparents to respond the same way to the current situation and have discouraged shame and humiliation, while also recognizing the harm, humiliation and hurt experienced by his daughter. But, realistically, I know that I cannot control anything or anyone.  Short of calling the police and/or reporting to child protective services, I can't force or do anything.  And, if I did either of those things, his daughter will end up with grandparents or other family and it would ruin her life.  But, as things keep escalating and getting worse at home, the result will likely be the same. 

Ultimately, I am questioning myself in all of this.  I feel like these are very disordered people and that I am being dragged along a path of destruction that has already started and will inevitably follow all of this indefinitely.  It has already affected me emotionally and financially and I had to file bankruptcy because of him.  He lied to me, gave me incomplete and inaccurate information and I made the poor financial decision to loan him money to pay his divorce settlement so that they didn't lose their house.  I accept full responsibility, it was my poor choice.  But, when I lost over half of my income during the pandemic, I almost lost my own house and he did not help or pay me back.  He has yet to make it right with me.  I cannot commit the rest of my life to this, yet how do I leave these kids without making everything worse than it already is? His daughter has told me so many times how thankful she is for me and that she couldn't live without me.  The future here is very dark.  I cannot make it mine yet how do I escape it? I feel like a horrible, insensitive, selfish and unloving person for thinking these things and wanting to leave. Is this as bad as I think it is or am I overreacting?  Are they as disordered as I believe them to be? How and when do I get out of this?

[square]

That is definitely a tough situation, and thank you for your efforts on behalf of the children.

How would your partner react, do you think, if you just did a slow fade? Calling him less, being slower to respond to texts and calls, being less available, etc.? It sounds like he and/or the situation has already started that process.

Can you maintain a fully open door for the kids or at least the daughter, at the same time?

Are you permitted to have alone time with either or both of the children, or is that not a possibility? Even just taking one or both out on an errand or whatever.

The lock and door guards hopefully improve the girl's safety a fair amount but I realize that even if literally nothing else ever happens, the damage is still there for her, and also for the boy.

Perhaps the missing piece is for her also to get therapy, and to be in the hands of a professional and mandated reporter.

You can't fix this. You've done what you can. From where I'm sitting, a fade where you can still watch over the girl would be the ideal.

The only other thought I have is to look into what would be required to be a foster parent and then get it done - so if a situation comes up where the girl would go into that system, you could be ready to receive her.

[themoralcompass]

How would your partner react, do you think, if you just did a slow fade? Calling him less, being slower to respond to texts and calls, being less available, etc.? It sounds like he and/or the situation has already started that process.

I actually started doing this, maybe six months or so ago. We don't usually talk on the phone but he has always been a constant all-day texter unless he is hyperfocused on something that interests him.  Once my texting started slowing down, he responded by ramping up his efforts, especially after work and in the evening.  He will text about anything and everything but most often he is seeking attention and admiration from me.  My visits to his house have also slowed down quite a bit also. I have never enjoyed going there because his house is filthy, unsanitary and cluttered.  I don't do well in the environment so I have backed off going there.  But, how do you slow fade in the traditional sense on someone with whom you are engaged to be married?

Can you maintain a fully open door for the kids or at least the daughter, at the same time?

Yes, and she knows this. If the relationship ends, I do not know if she will still feel comfortable coming to me.  She keeps so much inside and doesn't open up to many people. If I leave, I don't know how she will react or respond.  I don't know how his son will react.  He is very much involved in his own world and doesn't typically come to me unless he really needs something.

Are you permitted to have alone time with either or both of the children, or is that not a possibility? Even just taking one or both out on an errand or whatever.

Yes, and I am taking her to get her nails done before school starts next week.  I am allowed as much alone time as I want with them.  But, right now, I would be a little uncomfortable being alone with his son.  His sexual compulsions involved his mother who is the same age as me and I am still not sure what he is capable of at this point.  I don't even want to go to my partner's house to spend the night at this point.  For all I know, he has tried taking pictures of me.  I doubt he has had the opportunity but it's possible.

Perhaps the missing piece is for her also to get therapy, and to be in the hands of a professional and mandated reporter.

I talked with her yesterday and encouraged her to talk to her therapist, and she agreed, on the condition that it would be in-person visits.  She saw a therapist when her mom started spiraling because she was very angry at her mom and getting depressed. However, she hates telehealth visits and the therapist she saw previously only does telehealth.  Her dad is supposed to be working on finding someone for her to talk to.[/quote]   

You can't fix this. You've done what you can. From where I'm sitting, a fade where you can still watch over the girl would be the ideal.

I know I can't fix this.  I have learned that you can't help people who aren't helping themselves. People have to want to get better and do better for themselves and if they don't, nothing will ever change.  All of the support, help and compassion isn't going to make a bit of difference. 

The only other thought I have is to look into what would be required to be a foster parent and then get it done - so if a situation comes up where the girl would go into that system, you could be ready to receive her.

I feel like a horrible and selfish person for saying this, but I do not have the capacity to take her into my home.  First, I do not have the financial capacity to support a teenager.  I have a very demanding job, I work from home and I live outside of their school district.  I would have to drive her to/from school and her job multiple times a day and it is not within the realm of possibility with my current work responsibilities.  She will be driving in a year or so, but then that brings the financial challenge of a vehicle and increased insurance costs.  Remember, I am currently in an active bankruptcy from all of this.  I am one year into a 3 year repayment plan and 100% of my disposable monthly income has to be paid into the plan for two more years.  Also, I feel like it would tie me to her father forever. But, more than anything, my biggest fear is that she could be the next one to have a mental health crisis. If I brought her into my home and she spiraled in one way or another, I would be responsible for her.  What would I do?  I don't want to be the next person in line to fail these kids but I cannot take legal and financial responsibility of her which would possibly expose me to unknown future harm/risks.  If something did happen, I think the most likely scenario would be her getting pregnant because she is sexually active with her boyfriend.  She is on the pill and I make sure they have condoms but accidents still happen. Sometimes they accidentally happen on purpose.  I hate to think of that possibility, but I learned that anything is possible with this family.

[Poison Ivy]

What a terrible situation. I feel much empathy for you. It seems to me that the daughter needs protection from her brother and that her father will not (and perhaps cannot) provide that protection. I think it would be appropriate for you to report the situation to a child protective services agency and let the agency decide how to proceed. I also think it would be appropriate for you to break your engagement with the father.

[square]

Don't worry, you are not obligated to take her in. Nor should you pursue alone time with the boy.

The way I see it, there are two main paths:

1) Break off the relationship, full stop. If you and the girl are willing to continue any type of relationship whatsoever, okay, and if not, you got the kids to therapists and a lock on her door, and that's all you can do.

2) Just continue the fade and be less and less interesting to him. He will either confront you or lose interest and find a new source. Once again, you may or may not have any level of continuing relationship with the girl.

[themoralcompass]

Am I being unreasonable and/or overreacting to this situation?  I just don't know what to think or believe anymore.  I look at my "partner" and what I see is a total and complete underreaction considering everything that is occurring.  In my world and in my brain, this is egregious neglect and disregard for the safety of his children.  Is this all just normalization of unhealthy behavior on his part?  Or maybe denial or just neglectful parenting?  Or, am I just being triggered and it's not as bad as my brain is interpreting it.   

[themoralcompass]

Don't worry, you are not obligated to take her in. Nor should you pursue alone time with the boy.

But, I feel that I am obligated to her.  Someone has to take care of her seeing her parents have both opted out of parenting.  If it wasn't for the kids, I would have left the relationship by now.  It is because of them that I have stayed.  I feel like I am the only stable adult in their lives at the moment and here I am, trying to figure out how to leave.  It's all too much and I feel like I am damned either way. 

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're overreacting.

[square]

You're not overreacting.

[themoralcompass]

And, it's over so this is mostly all irrelevant.  We talked on the phone tonight and he was very apathetic and cold.  This is not unusual for him, he runs hot and cold most of the time.  His tone will change and he will act very dismissive but yet when asked if he is okay, he gets defensive and says nothing is wrong.  Sometimes, there is a problem and it's like he wanted it pulled out of him.  Other times, who knows. 

We talked about the kids a bit and I told him I needed some space, not because of anything having to do with them but because of my own struggles with all of this and how it is affecting my ability to focus at work.  We went on to discuss his son's letter and I asked him to please not be casual and disrespectful as it relates to warnings of self harm.  He did this with me a few months ago before he went to the doctor before his "diagnosis of depression" as he tells others and brings up often.  I had my first panic attack when he made threats about ending his life then and then 30 minutes later he said had no intent of hurting himself and he didn't mean what he said, that he would never do that to his kids.  Anyway, our conversation then segued into talking about empathy. He said he didn't have empathy for other people and that while he cares about other people and doesn't want to hurt other people, he just can't put himself in their emotions and feel how they are feeling.  He said he can't do it and is in capable of doing it.  I asked him if he understood the impact that has on his relationships and how a lack of empathy leads to selfish and hurtful behaviors.  He didn't really respond.  I asked him again, "Are you truly saying that you do not have empathy for other people?" He said yes and I said that I could not marry him nor spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot empathize with others.  And that was it. 

There are many loose ends to tie up from a financial standpoint.  But, I cannot stand the thought of telling the kids.  It hurts so much thinking about it.  I don't want his son to blame himself because of what happened. I don't want his daughter to blame herself for telling on her brother.  The timing couldn't be worse and I never saw this coming to an end today. 

[notrightinthehead]

Firstly, you are not overreacting. Secondly, this man has harmed you financially, emotionally, mentally. It's wonderful how much responsibility you feel for these kids and they seem lucky to have you. Maybe a short text to the daughter- informing her of the break up and telling her that she is welcome to call on you anytime and that you are willing to help if you can.
Then study the Toolbox. You need strategies to defend yourself better against people like him. And you need help for yourself. Money is a problem for now, so you might consider 12 step programs. They are free. Check out CoDA, maybe you can find meetings nearby or meetings online. I can only recommend going to such meetings, they have been such a source of support and stability in my life.
You have done more than enough for this man, it's time you extend this kindness to yourself and begin to take better care of yourself. If you allow the daughter to stay in contact with you, you can also begin to role model healthier behavior for her, by treating yourself with respect and compassion. You deserve that!

[Leonor]

This sounds like a very complicated situation, but it is actually quite simple. You are engaged to a man you do not love, and you are aware of abuse that endangers a child and breaks laws.

You are engaged to a man you do not love. Break off this engagement, full stop.

You are aware of abuse that violates children and breaks laws. Call child protective services and report the abuse.

Yes, it is a heartbreaking, excruciating, and such a sad, sad situation. But it is what it is. You cannot, as your best efforts have shown, change anything for these people. You are not in control of them, and the adults have shown themselves to be too damaged to be of any rational, mature, and adult decision making.

Your own reasons for not acting are not really reasons. They're rationalizations. They're not about them - they're about you. You're waiting to recoup everything you've invested in this man: your money.

But also your trust, your future as the caring partner of an empty nest father, your hopes and dreams of a happy marriage, and now, as the rescuer of a young woman from her dysfunctional family (that must sound familiar to you, as it does to so many of us here.)

That is not going to happen. None. Of. That. Is. Going. To. Happen.

If it were, it would have already, and you have certainly made a herculean effort to try and make it so.

But that effort is what gamblers call the fallacy of sunken costs. It means you keep dropping your coins into the slot machine because you've put so many coins in there already, and if you quit now, all those coins are lost forever. But if you put in just one more coin ...

So it is time, sadly, to adult. This young girl needs to be somewhere where she does not need a security system to enter her own bedroom. And you need to be somewhere you are safe from the emotional, financial and psychological hellscape you are marrying into.

You cannot be the solution. But as long as you keep trying to be, and enabling the adults and dismissing the seriousness of the behavior you are witnessing, you are part of the problem.

A more healing question would be: what is the hurt in you, that would make you believe that you are unworthy of a man who respects, protects, and supports you, as well as his children? Who would create a safe, loving home in which his daughter is cherished, his son is mentored, and his wife is honored? Who would contribute to the financial and practical stability of his family, and lead them through difficult times? Why do you believe you deserve disrespect, dishonor, neglect, and abuse?

[Boat Babe]

 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

 

[square]

Just to note above, the OP has broken it off.