How to visit parent when PD parent cares for them

[dogperson]

Hi, folks. This is my first ever post on this forum, and I'm so grateful for this resource!

My elderly father sustained a traumatic brain injury earlier this year, and my PD mother now cares for him. Everything came to a head recently with my mother, and I've had to go NC with her. The problem is that I would still like to visit my father, but my mother is home with him all the time. My father has severe cognitive and physical impairment from the brain injury and is unable to call or write to me. There are no other family members who can serve as intermediaries to negotiate a time for me to visit my father when my mother won't be there. So my spouse and I are planning to just show up at my parents' house so I can see my father. Any advice on how to navigate this dicey situation and the inevitable interactions with my mother that will occur? Thanks in advance!

[moglow]

Welcome, dogperson! I'm sorry you find yourself in this position but glad the resource is here for you.

I would start with giving her the same courtesy you'd want in the reverse. I doubt I'd appreciate her or anyone else simply showing up on the doorstep, particularly under the circumstances. They likely have some kind of schedule for appointments, care, etc that could be disrupted by a drop in visit. She's [understandably] stressed with the caregiving and isn't likely anywhere close to her "best" self, wherever that may fall in the scheme of things.

Start out how you can hold out, is my best advice. Would you feel comfortable contacting her -phone call or whatever- and ask when's a good time [or not] for yall to visit Dad? Ask if she needs to get out for a few hours, would she like to have lunch or visit with friends, offer to stay with Dad while she's out? Make it soft, easy, giving and refuse any attempts to start a confrontation with her? Sometimes we all have to find compromises so we can give and receive at the same time. I'm not saying suck up any abuse she throws your way, but rather find your own happy medium that you can live with.

Just thoughts from the edge, maybe ideas you can work with.

[bloomie]

Hi dogperson and welcome! This forum community has been a lifeboat for me and I trust it will be for you!

The life package you are dealt right now is a tough one. How sad your dad, and all of you, are going through this! I am so sorry!

If it helps at all, what guides me through decisions and uncomfortable forced close proximity with family members I am otherwise NC with is to stay focused on what is best for that vulnerable, dear loved one. In this case your dad.

In doing that, for me anyway, it mitigates some of the opportunity for personal offense or tense back and forth type interactions. I strap on my imaginary kevlar vest over my heart and I go to sit beside, talk to, sing to, pray with, show love toward that loved one who is so in need.

And I also know, that after the interaction I will need to plan for my own recovery and time to process.

I agree wholeheartedly with Moglow that contacting ahead is most respectful and offering some time for your mom to get out is lovely. She may not choose to take you up on it, she may sit in the same space as you and listen to and watch every single, solitary thing you say and do. But you, are driven by love, will have on your kevlar, and will not be alone as your DH will be with you as well.

Adopting a casual, confident, cool, respectful demeanor toward your mother like you would with any human being is your goal. We don't have to attend every contentious conversation or interaction we are invited to. You will choose when you need to leave and if it is feasible to go back.

Those are my two pennies and what has worked for me. For the record, I have never, ever regretted going and showing that love. My choices are directed only by what I believe is best and right to do in a difficult situation. Let us know how you are through this process. You are not alone!

[dogperson]

Thank you, bloomie and moglow. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts on this.

[WombatOpera]

dogperson I am sorry to hear you are in this situation, it's very hard and also confusing.  I was in the same position
a few years ago and I have to say I waa not able to solve it.  My sick parent was moved to a special unit and I was able to phone them, but I couldn't visit as my other parent was always there.

I hear you however when you say your father can't talk on the phone.  In my case my determination not to see my
other parent was very strong, but this is something that everyone has to assess for themselves.

I'm sorry this isn't helpful but I think I would have preferred to know that others have been in this mess
too

Would your mother intercept a recording or letter you sent to him?  You wouldn't be seeing him but it might help him feel thought of.