Slowly, but surely, emerging from the FOG...Hi!

[iamiamiam]

Hello,
I stumbled across this forum and other posts via Reddit over the last year or so and it has opened my eyes.
I am 28 years old, and have realized in these last few years, that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy. I remember her bringing up that my late grandmother had BPD. Due to this, my mother tried her best to shield me from her mother's toxic behavior.
As I get older, I am realizing that I believe my own mother has BPD. Recently, she confessed to me that she was exploring a diagnosis before having myself and my younger brothers.

The last 5 years has been a huge strain on our relationship, since meeting my husband and moving an hour away from my parents.
In fact, as I write this she is currently hospitalized due to a randomly triggered mental breakdown. That in itself is incredibly difficult to deal with since I struggle with my own extreme anxiety and depression issues. We used to talk every single day when I was in college, and I was very enmeshed with her during highschool and college years. I am just now realizing that this dynamic is not healthy to me anymore.

Lots of guilt, obligation and fear have plagued my entire life, and I am slowly coming to and realizing "Hey, this is NOT OK anymore!" I think me slowly distancing myself from her is noticeable to her, and triggers episodes/behavior from her.
I think was really has opened my eyes the most is that my husband and I are trying for a baby. It's having me reflect on my relationship with my own mother.

Anyway, I feel like hundreds of the posts on this forum could have been exactly written by me. I am happy to join a community of people who will understand my circumstance!

Cheers!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive space! Have you checked out the Toolbox? You might find some strategies there suitable for your contact with mother going forward. You are not alone in this struggle. See you around on the boards.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. Identifying the problem is a big step forward. It took me until my forties, so I think you are doing pretty well on that front. At least now you know what you need to work on.

Wishing you well as you navigate this.

[gcj07a]

Welcome!

I too have a Borderline mother. What opened my eyes was having kids and watching the way she split them and tried to suck affection out of them. My protective instinct kicked in and I, for really the first time in my life, stood up to my mother. My wife and I tried to have a couple of different rational conversations with her about her behavior toward us and our kids, but she always spiraled into a mental breakdown. It would be a couple of more years before a therapist I was seeing suggested she might have BPD.

I too suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I have a C-PTSD diagnosis stemming from what I learned to understand as an abusive childhood.

We are glad you are here.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Hi, I'm new too. My mom is an undiagnosed narcissist, and my dad is her enabler. I remember being pregnant with my first kid, and something inside me just snapped and the fog was lifted! My husband and I moved across the country, which was the Best. Decision. Ever. but mom of course couldn't handle it. Cue years of manipulation and craziness from across the country. During that season of life, she was especially good at acting like she was going to visit, making tons of phone calls to plan the visit, but then at the last minute, withholding critical details like the exact dates of the trip, where she was staying, etc. This kept me sucked in, waiting by the phone for days or weeks for clarification, and when I pressed for clarification, she would freak out.
Well, one day, I was sitting there 6 months pregnant and she called with some flying monkey visit planning, mixed in with lots of doom and gloom about how she was against my birth plan to use a midwife at a birthing center instead of a hospital. It was like I was struck by lightening and the fog just lifted right up! I shut that stuff down asap, set some firm boundaries, and hung up! It was like a whole new me opened up! I thank motherhood for that strength. Now that I am a mom, I can't imagine treating them the ways I've been treated. Raising them has helped me get unenmeshed. I wish you lots of luck and peace and clarity.