Recent death of uPD mother (reflection)

[makarios_tonikos]

So, my uPD alcoholic mother died earlier last month. The manner of her passing couldn't be more ironic (I'll elaborate at the end); initially, my processing of the news segued between apathy, closure, and wish fulfillment that deep down, this person had good intentions which were sadly overshadowed by demons (I'll also address point towards the end). The latter idea is the only reason for mourning. But, the sadness was fleeting.

To make a long story short - as far back as I can recall - my mother had a difficult time controlling her actions/emotions. Her shtick was putting people down or turning friends/family against each other, and then gaslighting anyone who held her accountable (often using other enabling friends/family to back her up). She sported a New Age, peace-n-love, "anti-negativity" facade as a ruse, a preach she never practiced. Her friend "orbit" was always a revolving door.

By trade, she was a "multimedia artist", but it was really a no-profit hobby bankrolled by my codependent father (who killed himself in 2007.) Explosive arguments late into the night over serious financial hardships were common, some leading to police visits for noise. Needless to say, many childhood needs and creature comforts were neglected by both of them. Threats of abandonment (either being left on the street or placed up for adoption) was a "tough love" tactic to keep my behavior in check and academic achievement on par. Although I was bullied and ostracized throughout my school years, the classroom/playground was still preferable to time at home.

When I graduated high school, that wasn't the end of it. She was in a rush to get me out of the house, yet also wanted me to live close-by so she could control my every move. The priority was for me to "mirror" her and be an artist. Over the course of two years, I burnt through my life savings and it seemed like my "artist" struggles was just fodder for her ego.

Things changed when I got a full-time hourly job (I was a month away from missing a rent payment) and went NC with her for almost five years.

Then my dad died. I felt lonely, and enabling relatives begged me to "forgive her" for everything "in the past". But even forgetting previous "mistakes" (as she oft-called them), she didn't express any concern about me, and phone conversations were problematic. Everything was strictly about her own life; any response to my matters was in the form of indifference, doubt, or putdowns. One of the telecoms lead to the second and final "no contact" - for almost fourteen years.

In the last week of July, I received e-mails from my in-law and late father's college friend informing me she recently passed away - alone. Evidently she took a bath mid-month and never got out, and no one caught on until "gas" complaints from neighbors in her condo community - a week and a half later. Her age and online social network notwithstanding, no one did a wellness check. This was someone who, ironically, sabotaged my few friendships growing up and called me a "hermit" and "loner". To a certain degree, she lived her projection-filled life as if she knew her fate.

There were MANY more terrible stories I won't mention here (and it's likely my golden child younger sibling will be the sole beneficiary of the will) but in the same way I can't feel completely devastated over her demise, I also can no longer hate her. Although she was never sorry for her actions, on rare occasions, she DID subtly acknowledge she was a villain who couldn't change for the better.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

[bloomie]

makarios_tonikos - what a powerful reflection! Sobering to read as you are a gifted writer such that I could visualize the experiences you describe.

Thank you for trusting the community, a gathering of people who truly get what lies between the lines of your reflection, with this.

There were MANY more terrible stories I won't mention here (and it's likely my golden child younger sibling will be the sole beneficiary of the will) but in the same way I can't feel completely devastated over her demise, I also can no longer hate her. Although she was never sorry for her actions, on rare occasions, she DID subtly acknowledge she was a villain who couldn't change for the better.

I can so closely relate to the coexistence of the absence of hate and the lack of devastation over her demise.

[moglow]

.... in the same way I can't feel completely devastated over her demise, I also can no longer hate her. Although she was never sorry for her actions, on rare occasions, she DID subtly acknowledge she was a villain who couldn't change for the better.

Thank you for sharing with us. I suspect that's similar to where I'll land when the time comes also. I don't hate mine and can't fathom being even remotely devastated, but I question the "couldn't change for the better." I wonder if it's "couldn't" or if it's a refusal to make the hard choices and do the work needed to not only forgive those she believes hurt her but herself as well. Projecting all that over everyone in her life, such a senseless way to live.

Wishing you peace, always.

[makarios_tonikos]

... but I question the "couldn't change for the better." I wonder if it's "couldn't" or if it's a refusal to make the hard choices and do the work needed to not only forgive those she believes hurt her but herself as well ...

A good observation. IMHO, it can also be relevant to the reasoning behind addictions (which often come hand-in-hand with PDs). Habit-forming behaviors are self-destructive and hurt others, yet some addicts relapse even after awareness of their problem and treatment/intervention.

I can't speak for all PDs, but my mother's case was arrested development, impulsivity, and defense mechanisms. Ultimately, she came to her own peace with the fact she couldn't change (while never atoning for her actions or finding peace with the chaotic life she lived.)  It was surmised by nearly everyone - both trained professionals and laypersons - that she suffered from BPD.

[makarios_tonikos]

I can so closely relate to the coexistence of the absence of hate and the lack of devastation over her demise.

And I feel this way even after officially confirming PD "mother" wrote me out of her will, despite many promises to be "fair" to both children (GC sibling even tried to guilt-trip me about the stress of being the executor). As far as I'm concerned, it's contaminated money and it's not going to improve her own emotional situation.

Despite being on my own for the majority of my life, I accumulated enough resources to not only support myself but have a "buffer" for emergency or discretionary purposes. When it comes to self-love in these situations, I don't think enough of us attribute will-power as a driver.

[NarcKiddo]

And I feel this way even after officially confirming PD "mother" wrote me out of her will, despite many promises to be "fair" to both children (GC sibling even tried to guilt-trip me about the stress of being the executor). As far as I'm concerned, it's contaminated money and it's not going to improve her own emotional situation.

In her own warped way she probably saw her behaviour as fair. GC sibling got the payment for being the supply, I guess. But I'm glad you retain your absence of hate, for hate is corrosive. I think you are right to see the money as contaminated. I highly doubt that having to be the supply was worth the money for your sibling, even if they think otherwise. You can lose your own self to these people and never find it again if you aren't careful.

I wish you well.

[makarios_tonikos]

In her own warped way she probably saw her behaviour as fair. GC sibling got the payment for being the supply, I guess.

Not a guess, that's a correct statement. After I left the house and cut off contact, GC sis was seemingly both the princess and the jester. From that point onward, anything else (on my side) was simply grappling with traumas of the past. PD mum's trolling attempts to get me in contact were so unsuccessful, eventually, the hoovering became soft bribery.

In addition to her shameful "way out", there was no obituary, funeral services, or memorial (short of a private thread at her favorite social media website). If even GC found her unworthy of a wide-scale celebration, that's certainly indicative of the kind of person she was.