The way I explain things to OCPD spouse

[Prototypian]

I've realized that things are out of my control and I have learned to understand that fact.   


But I've learned that my method of telling her what I mean actually helps us both.   A specific example is what I call "the inspection" which is a room by rom cabinet by cabinet and surface by surface review of the whole house anytime she has left me alone at home for a period of time.   She expects me to be at her beck and call and to immediately justify or answer questions about why anything was done, what choices I made, how things were sorted, even the order of dishtowels stacked under the sink.  It's difficult, a common OCPD spouse trait and it can become violent if someone doesn't answer why "the crackers are behind the pretzels in the pantry". 

I realized that I didn't want to do this.  I don't want to be part of it, I don't want to participate and I don't want to be treated like this.

So I told her that.   I said that she does this inspection every time she comes home, it makes me feel defensive and angry and frustrated and she needs to accept that everything I may have done in any circumstance was done with no ill will and that I can't participate any more.   Short of a fire hazard or major structural damage, I won't answer interrogation questions about why I did normal household tasks.   I would never repaint a room or build a home addition while she was gone and without talking to her but there is absolutely no conscious reason why the cups are put away one way rather than the other.   

She actually thanked me for pointing this out.   She spends much of her time away afraid her things are being messed with and that's very anxiety producing for her.  She said she likes to review the house when she returns just to remailiarize herself with her things and where they are.   And she won't involve me if there isn't anything broken.   

Previously I went passive aggressive with robot mode of only telling her the exact answers to questions and getting angry I was at her beck and call for a couple of hours every time she returns. It drove me nuts and I hated it.   

I was surprised to learn that she knows she has anxiety about her things.  I don't think she knows this is not normal at this level and she really can't but I think she knows the behavior isn't something I will tolerate.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Jsinjin,

Im so sorry again that you and your kids live under that constant scrutiny but also happy to read you have found your decision to speak the truth, received in the way you describe. 

Good wishes for you that it continues.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I am so happy for you that you decided to no longer take this abuse. Congratulations that you were able to express your unwillingness calmly and firmly and then implement your boundaries. You have grown so much. It's wonderful that you role model healthy behavior for your kids and share your journey to healing with us.