Busyness triggering me into flashback

[miffyxo]

Hey all

About a week or two ago I posted that I was feeling much better but this week I feel like I've gone about 10 steps backwards. My colleague was unexpectedly off sick for then week and another away so ive been doing 3 peoples work, all jobs that needed to be done this week. I've got all my tasks completed by the end of the week but my mental health has totally plummeted. I'm back to overthinking, being critical, feeling extreme shame and worst of all it's made me look through emails from my parents (who I have blocked and redirected to a spam folder).

I found pretty much what I was expecting, lots of emails pretending nothing had happened and updating me on their lives mixed in with the odd one titled triggering things like "disrespect" followed by how disappointed they are in me and how one time in 2018 I gave them a mean look and how they've never known disrespect like it even from their worst enemies. Not one acknowledging any fault in their years of childhood abuse.

Now I'm so confused why something like being busy has sent me a million miles backwards. I decided to take this weekend to rest and not do any jobs in the hope unwinding will make me happier again. I'm also just so confused why I constantly have to seek justification for cutting my parents out - why do I keep forgetting or justifying what they did to me and needing some new hatred from them to validate my no contact decision? It also doesn't help that for years so many memories of abuse were cut out and through no contact are starting to unlock - memories I didn't even know existed. But those same memories seem so distant sometimes I wish I could prove them. Half of me feels I've been conditioned to feel sorry for my parents and think "but it's not so bad." Probably not helped by the fact they told me none of it happened or even more confusing "other people had it worse" (which also makes me think it must have happened, because they're acknowledging it. And then more confusion again, because why do I have all these memories and alternate between believing them, not believing them, thinking they're terrible and then also "not so bad"

Thankfully I've stayed no contact and I do feel like I've progressed in that I'm acknowledging this phase as just a set back in a long journey, and I'm happy I'm able to recognise it as a flashback (after 5 days but eh got there eventually!) I know that I'll feel better soon too. But I hope eventually I can learn to manage my feelings better during busy times so this doesn't come back again and stop seeking justification to not reach out to my parents again. I either seem to need to unlock the bad memories at times I'm happiest and think I've completely healed or times I'm feeling my worst and most full of shame. It's all confusing, and a lot, but I'm thankful for having resources like this to help me, and just get stuff off my chest

[miffyxo]

I'm also so confused because of the sympathy I feel for my npd's and how during a flashback I forget how terrible they were to me and now they feel they can express their disapproval in a similar way to normal parents by saying "I'm disappointed in you." These are the people who at times were physically violent, always emotionally abusive, sometimes didn't even call me by my real name and referred to me as "it" eg "isn't it cute", told me inappropriate things about their personal lives (which I won't repeat here) but still half the time I think "it's not so bad". I think because the physical abuse was much less often than the most daily name calling I use that as justification?

I just don't understand why I can't easily stick with the no contact and the healing

[Leonor]

Hi Miffy,

First, I'm glad that you are taking time this weekend to recharge. It's normal for busy times to be triggering, if only because your adrenaline is pumping. Your mind doesn't really know the difference between then and now (which is why mindfulness is so helpful - and so challenging!). It just notices stress. And so all the other times in life you've been stressed start to bubble up. Same if you are tired, which makes it hard to stay mindful, especially if, like so many children in dysfunctional families, your sleep was disrupted or unsafe. And since you're doing the work of three people, you may also be feeling very naturally put upon and taken advantage of ... which can bring up memories of feeling unimportant, invisible, or overburdened. Again, it's not necessarily rational; your amygdala, as Cat says, is amygdaling.

Then it's even more tempting to try to somehow reconnect with your parents, because they're so entangled up in all the stress and emotions that are coming up for you. It feels almost compulsive as your subconscious tries to figure all of this @#$& out.

Miffy, there is all the time in the world to heal from this. It's rough stuff, and the most healing thing you can do right now is be gentle and caring with you. Mother yourself in the way you wish you were mothered. Curl up in soft sheets, take a soothing bath, go for long walks, and for heavens sake, get some sleep. Your brain is on overdrive, and it needs to relax and renew itself. Your body needs to release all those stress chemicals stored up in your muscles and tendons.

Everything you're describing is totally normal in trauma, and the healing doesn't come from figuring it out or toughing through it, but by regrounding yourself in a safe, soft present.

[Cat of the Canals]

For me, busyness is an extension of perfectionism, and perfectionism is how I try to prove that I am worthy/have value as a person. That message came directly from my PDmom. If your FOO gave similar messages, I think it makes sense that it would be a big trigger for you.

I think it a good sign that your instinct was to take time to rest.

[Hilltop]

Miffy it's great that you are resting if you feel the need to do that.  Give yourself some time to relax and unwind. Often I have wished that healing is a one and done thing.  But it's not well for me at least. At times it feels like going backwards or the energy drops.  For me those are the times to stop, rest and maybe ponder what's going on. What trigger is there.  Not to force it but just see what comes up.

It takes time, I am not sure it really ever goes away completely maybe just the load gets lighter.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You've gotten great insight here. Yep, your amygdala is doing what it does.

And when we are feeling stressed out and would like someone to soothe us a bit, who do most people call? Mommy and Daddy! Perhaps that natural turning toward the parents at these times is a factor. When we are stressed and overwhelmed we feel that insufficiency more than at times we feel we more or less have a handle on things. Your confidence is taking a hit and you've had to muscle through doing a week's worth of work x3 all while in a massive flashback.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy has a really good podcast on why hurrying is majorly triggering for people with childhood trauma and CPTSD. It's probably on YouTube too.

But you did it and you got it all done? Amazing. You deserve a major break. And maybe a bonus or raise. Two people were out at an important time and you accomplished three people's work high-pressure work as a result. Are you regularly pulling more than your own weight here? I wouldn't be surprised if so.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi miffyxo,

Amazing insights shared here.

I can so relate to your statement "I just don't understand why I can't easily stick with the no contact and the healing". Thank you for writing that. If only I had a dollar for every time I thought this and felt this!! 

The key word there is easily. This business of healing is such a process, and when we feel we've gone backwards, it is so easy to feel discouraged.

I don't know how many times I have re-read Pete Walker's article and chapter on managing emotional flashbacks. I should have it memorized by now lol! I have to remind myself that even recognizing something as a flashback is a huge sign of progress! Like you said, it took a few days but you did recognize it. That is really really good stuff!

Hoping you are finding a lot of self-care this weekend, whatever that looks like for you today.

Trees

[Srcyu]

Your busyness and success with that might have led you to believe that right now you could also sort out the problems with your parents. "On a roll" is the expression used where I live.

Their 'disappointment' in you is merely their expectations being unmet. It's fair to say that you are probably disappointed in both of them too.

Hope is what keeps you from sticking to no contact easily. Hope that things could improve or that you'll discover a better way of dealing with them.
It's not good that we have to go no contact with our parents. That's why it's so difficult to do.

[miffyxo]

Thank you all for your support and insights, I really appreciate it <3 I had a lovely weekend, I had a few activities pre planned but I did make sure to squeeze in rest periods in between and I'm feeling like I'm coming into the new week with a blank slate again. I realised I have a lot of people demanding a lot from me - my work requires me to do everything "perfectly" and my workmates do often rely on me to do probably more than my fair share of the workload (and somehow have my work faultless), my partners family complain if our house isn't spotless, and I have a ton of wedding prep to do.

Thankfully I didn't reach out to my parents, I had to fight against my natural instincts - they've never been a good source of comfort so it would have been well wasted! Will try to take recovery a bit slower as my busyness does also make me believe I can "fix" things really quickly, I definitely have the mentality to want to fix everything and often cover for other peoples mistakes or lack of work because I worry about upsetting people. Will check out the podcast you mentioned Cordelia! 

My mum did always give messages of perfection and was very cruel and punishing if I didn't meet those requirements, if I so much as moved something out of its "place" (she had very bad OCD but I can't use it as an excuse for her as she was also very cruel) or was at all disruptive and moved out of my own "place" in the house she would come down on me like a ton of bricks, so no wonder I feel pressure to get everything right at work - especially as I'm contract based so there's that fear of losing everything. She would regularly disturb my sleep too so sleep is something I want to get over quickly, if I have a lie in I feel bad and guilty all day. There's so much here I didn't realise was a thing for me, but you have all helped me recognise some new triggers I had buried quite deep within myself. Learning more about this stuff really helps me, and will try to take this week a bit slower.

[miffyxo]

So the taking things slowly didn't go too well 😅 as soon as I came into work one of my teammates piled in work that wasn't in my job description and told me it would cost them lots of money if I didn't get it done asap when I tried to push back. Trying to recover from perfectionism is hard when everyone expects you to be perfect :/

[Call Me Cordelia]

Darn. Hmmm. Well if you earn them lots of money, maybe you deserve some of that.

It is true that we teach people how to treat us. Recovering perfectionist here, too. Of COURSE Miffy and Cordelia can be relied upon! There's being reliable, and there's being a doormat/taken for granted.

But what is perfect? Perfectly pleasing to people who don't have our best interests at heart? Hell to the no. Not anymore. I think I'm finally getting angry enough about this to make a change, personally. I hope you are able to change the steps to the dance at work.