Maybe the FOG has lifted?

[Rebel13]

SaintBlackSheep asked in recent posts, "Has anyone ever had a regression like the one I'm experiencing, where you already had done a lot of the work to figure out how to maintain a safe contact with parents, things were stable for years, and then it all goes out the window?"

I've been trying to write up my recent experience with my FOO but I keep getting stuck because I feel like "No one wants to hear all of this."  It's such a familiar thought after being raised by parents who never, ever listened to me.  But SaintBlackSheep's question is probably the best intro I'll ever get, so.

I'm in my mid-50s, lifelong black sheep/family scapegoat. 

My parents are both in their early 80s.  They've been divorced for about 30 years.  They're doing OK although they both have chronic health problems of medium severity.

Twenty years ago, I moved across the country from them.  I lived at geographical distance from them for several periods before that also as well as living nearby for about ten years.

Until this spring, I hadn't seen either of my parents for 9 years.  I hadn't seen my brother (GC) in almost 20 years.  He lives less than 50 miles from my parents and sees them once or twice per month, I think.

Over the 9 years, I had gotten into the pattern of talking by phone or video chat with my mother twice a year, on her birthday and Mother's Day.  I didn't really want to and never enjoyed it.  I did it out of obligation and because, if I didn't, the guilt would set in.  Every time, I asked her what she would like for the occasion, and she would always come back with some version of "Oh I miss you so much/I just want to hear your voice/see your face."  So I would sigh and set up the call.  Then we would talk for 20-30 minutes -- I say "we", but as you might imagine, it was all her, talking about the minutiae of her life.  Every so often she would seem to remember that she was supposed to ask about my life, so she would come up with some random question that had barely any relationship to me, I would answer with a few confused words, and she'd be back to her cheery monologue.

In between calls, we would intermittently text a few times.  She would usually drop the thread on our texts after a few back and forths, and sometimes I would actually forget about her for a while.  Then I would have a jolt of guilt that I should "check in with her" because she's getting older, "it's been so long," etc. etc.  And the cycle would start over.  And that was how it went, for 9 years.

Early in 2023, I was diagnosed with a potentially serious health problem.  I didn't know exactly what the treatment would be and if I might be unable to travel for a while later in the year, so I planned a trip to visit them.  I thought of going for my own birthday, but an important medical appointment was scheduled for that day.  So I planned the trip for Mother's Day, a nearby date, thinking it would be a nice gift for my mother.  Like most people with her issues, holidays are symbolically really important to her, even though she usually ruins them.  (Foreshadowing here.)

I didn't tell any of my family members about my health concern.  I didn't have a solid diagnosis then, but even so, I knew my mother would make it all about her, and I didn't care to hear it.  I also didn't want to put my father or brother in the middle by asking/expecting them not to tell her.

To make a long story short, my mother somehow unilaterally decided that I was arriving the day BEFORE Mother's Day (though the planned date was clear in the last text I sent her before leaving).  She began an escalating series of texts that day, when I was visiting with my father and stepmother.  This did not go well, as you might imagine.  She also called a couple of times, which I let go to voicemail.  The last text she sent said, among other things, "some Mother's Day celebration" and that she was "thinking about" canceling our plans for the next day.

I had a good talk with my wonderful partner by phone that evening outside my dad's house in the rental car.  I was shocked, at the same time that I wasn't, if that makes any sense.  I guess I thought maybe we would have the same kind of chatty meaningless visit we usually had via video chat.  It never occurred to me that the drama would start before I even got to her place!  I vented some emotion and was able to get clear that I wanted to salvage what I could of the visit, since I had invested so much into it (flight, rental car, hotel, time off from work, emotional energy, etc.), but that if she continued to behave badly, I would leave.  I felt unusually strong and capable of doing this.  I was also really aware of how unused I've become to being treated like that, which I think speaks well for how I've filled my life here with a wonderful partner who struggles through this stuff with me, a good job I really like, and fairly well-behaved, supportive, kind friends.

The next morning I found out that during her tantrum, my mother had ALSO left one? two? voice mail messages for my brother the night before.  He didn't tell me what she said; he just texted "Ooof."

When I got to my mom's house, my brother was already there.  My mom started in on me immediately with "You said you were coming yesterday and I waited all day" yadda yadda, rehashing everything that she had texted the day before.  When I corrected her on the date, she started trying a bunch of other tactics, trying to get me back in place or to get her ego strokes -- I'm still not sure what she wanted to accomplish.  I kept saying, "You need to let this go, so we can have a nice visit.  I'm letting it go.  You need to let it go."  Finally she gave me a vicious look (that my brother couldn't see) and said plaintively, "But I'm still hurt!"  I shrugged and said, "Welcome to life."  (Probably mean, but oh well.  She got her feelings hurt by drama that was completely self-manufactured.  My feelings were super hurt too, but of course that was unimportant.)  Fortunately my brother intervened at that point and distracted her.

We went and did an activity that she had requested the three of us do together.  My brother drove, and she sat in the front seat with him and he mostly talked the entire time.  She made a big show of active listening, nodding and smiling, etc.  I imagine she felt she was punishing me, but at the time, I didn't mind; I took advantage of being out of the spotlight to pull myself together and enjoy the scenery.  But again, my mother had not seen me in NINE YEARS, and for the first two hours I was in her presence, all she did was try to pick a fight with me, and then ignore me.

I really can't say strongly enough how this entire interaction was classic behavior from her, and also how clear the dynamics were to me in the moment.  It felt completely familiar, and I was also incredulous, like, "Who BEHAVES like this when a child they haven't seen in NINE YEARS comes to visit them for their parental holiday?!?!?!?"

That sense of incredulity has been one of the main takeaways as I've chewed over this and the rest of the visit in the intervening months.  When I left, I said to myself that if that was the last time I saw her, that was OK with me.  It was so clear that, if spending all that time, money, and energy to visit her on Mother's Day wasn't enough to make her happy, there was NOTHING I COULD DO that would please her.  The problem was never, ever me.

When I left, I also decided that I wasn't going to do anything right then, but that I could do whatever I wanted -- talk to her, not talk to her, whatever -- as it felt right to me as time passed.  Sometimes it feels like I am trying to punish her in return, but I don't dwell on the right or wrong of that.  I would like an apology from her, though I know I will never get it.  I'm sure she thinks she's the one who was wronged.  She did not communicate to me on my birthday the following week -- again, I don't care, but I know how important holidays are to her, so her not even sending me a text was another attempt at punishing me for my "misbehavior."  More than a month later, I got a text from her, about the weather, as though nothing had happened.  I didn't respond to that, and haven't heard from her since.  I have no plans to contact her.

Last week, apparently she got my brother stirred up over the phone about her medical situation, which he texted me about.  When he went to see her in person, he said that "it wasn't as bad as it seemed over the phone."  Again, no surprise there.  This forum is full of 100 versions of that exact story.  I just texted back, "I'm glad she's doing better.  Let me know if you want/need to talk."

Just yesterday, I was thinking about the whole situation, and it struck me forcefully -- my mother doesn't care about me.  This isn't a new insight, but in some new way, it feels like it really sunk in this time. She doesn't care about me.  She doesn't know me.  She doesn't know what my life is like or what is important to me.  She's never visited me.  She's only met my partner twice in 20 years.  She gave no thought to what it cost me financially, physically, emotionally, to make that trip to see her and what that meant.  Maybe she only kept in touch with me because she thought she should?  I can't imagine what she has gotten out of it.

I also saw how I hung on to the idea of myself as the "bad daughter" and how it protected me from the full awareness her lack of care.  For years I told myself that it was MY FAULT for moving away, for not visiting, for not keeping in touch regularly -- despite the fact that moving away isn't a crime, any of them could have visited or contacted me at any point.  On some level I believed that if I could only "do it right" (whatever that would mean), THEN we would finally have good relationships. I have released that image of myself as a bad daughter.  The truth is, I come from a long line of broken people and have been broken myself, and I'm working on fixing some of that with people who are trustworthy.  If my family members want to be part of my life, they can behave respectfully, as I do to them.  I don't accept abuse from anyone and I'm not accepting it from my mother just because she's old and sick.

I don't feel guilty about not being in touch right now.  I know if I want to, in future, I can, but I don't want to right now.  I don't see any point in going through that sham of a biannual video chat out of duty, trying to please someone I can't please, no matter what I do.  There's nothing to work with there.

A few good things came from the visit, one of the major ones being realizing how much I have blamed and resented my brother for my parents' favoritism.  I realized I don't really know him at all, after being out of touch for most of the last 20 years.  I'm not doing anything big about this either.  We text every so often and I'm trying to see and hear him without the baggage, and let that relationship find its own level.  During the visit, I told him that I was willing to help however I could, but that I didn't want to interfere from far away, and he said he was doing fine with how things are and I shouldn't worry about it.  I'm taking that at face value and it's a nice relief.

I also realized how many fantasies I had created of the happy lives and events they all have there together, without me.  It quickly became super clear that that is NOT the way things are, at all, in any way, for any of them, and that I'm not missing any version of a warm, close family life by being so far away.  I feel sad when I think about my mom potentially dying and me not being there, about not being at her funeral.  I feel some shame when I think about "What will people say?"  But I just feel those feelings and let them go.  I'm grateful for the life I've made and the healing I've been able to do over the years, and hoping I don't get sucked back in to the FOG again.

[Rebel13]

Oh, thank you for reading!

[moglow]

Thank you for sharing. Getting it out matters. So much of what you said I've seen and heard from my own, never understanding what I could possibly have done to that woman. It took until just the past few years to see that she truly sees no one other than herself. I have a sad feeling you know what that's like 

The flip side? Those were her choices. We can't make anyone else do or say or feel anything. We tried. We held on, all evidence to the contrary. We watched in amazement, those tantrums based off air and their imaginings. We heard the most asinine excuses for the inexcusable. We watched over and over as they turned their backs, because they wanted to play victim.

Welcome, Rebel. We're here with you.

[Hilltop]

Isn't distance an interesting thing.  I moved away although it's only been 1-2 years and it has been so interesting to see how just being out of that orbit has changed my perspective. I can see the behaviour more clearly, at times it seems so odd.  So coming back into it after all those years must have been quite a shock.

PD's aren't really great at dealing with emotional situations.  I would guess that after not seeing you for so long the emotions have gotten the better of your mother and she has reacted, lashed out.  She revved herself up and off she went and wouldn't listen to reason. She got a story in her head and that was it. Of course your brother was right there, the enabling son.

You are right that it is odd that she hasn't seen you in 9 years and in the car she talked solely to your brother and ignored you.  She gets to talk to your brother in person all the time. But this is typical GC/SG roles being played out.
Who behaves like this you ask, PD's do.

There are moments where the behaviour becomes so obvious we can't unsee it. It's interesting where you say you fantasised about the happy loving family you thought they had.  This also got me until more recently I am starting to see the cracks. I also have baggage around my sister and I struggle to see her as her own person.  I am trying to really change this. To see her as an individual and not through the roles we were given.

Sometimes it's sad to realise there is nothing to work with concerning them but sometimes that's what frees us in the end.

[lkdrymom]

I swear you were talking about my grandmother.  She could always find a reason to start a fight.  Never acknowledged the effort others put into doing something nice for her.  It was almost as if it was expected so you didn't deserve praise or thanks. She was owed this.  At least you tried and now you can go NC or Very low contact without any guilt.

[Cat of the Canals]

I could have written much of your post about my PDmom or PDmil. So many similarities.

My mom is the engulfing type, so when I had that "she doesn't actually care about me" epiphany, it was like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I always interpreted her meddling and prying and intrusiveness as a symptom of her being obsessed with me. Of loving me "too much." But she's not actually obsessed with me. She's obsessed with the fantasy version of me that she's created in her head to make her feel good about herself. Just like your mom, she doesn't know me at all. And she resents every time my real self conflicts with her fantasy.

If you ever find yourself feeling like the bad daughter again, feel free to join our resident Bad Daughter's Club. We are always accepting new members and our only rule is to do whatever the hell you want. 

[moglow]

If you ever find yourself feeling like the bad daughter again, feel free to join our resident Bad Daughter's Club. We are always accepting new members and our only rule is to do whatever the hell you want.  (https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/Smileys/default/sly.gif)

And some of us are still learning to not apologize for any of it!! Bad Daughters RULE!

[Sneezy]

Just yesterday, I was thinking about the whole situation, and it struck me forcefully -- my mother doesn't care about me.  This isn't a new insight, but in some new way, it feels like it really sunk in this time. She doesn't care about me.  She doesn't know me.  She doesn't know what my life is like or what is important to me. 

Hoo boy, I can relate to this.  Isn't it amazing how they can show us, over and over, that they don't care about us, and yet it takes a while (sometimes a long while) for us to figure it out?  And it's hurtful.  It is so damn hurtful to realize that the one person who should love us unconditionally really doesn't care.  It's also freeing in a way.  Because you can really begin to believe that it's not your fault.  That no matter what you say and do, it will never be enough, so it's time to say and do what you want.  And in that vein - welcome to the Bad Daughter's Club.  No apologies, but we do have snacks!  Hugs to you 

[Hilltop]

Ha ha love it Cats.  Bad Daughters Club.  Count me in.   A while back I said to my husband I was worried about being mocked by my FOO and he looked at me strangely and said what is there in your life worth mocking.  He then listed all the things which rocked in my life and asked again what in that life is worth mocking? It was a aha moment of yeah, my life is kind of normal and when I thought how silly it was to mock that I proudly joined the Bad Daughters Club.  If you think this daughter is difficult then you've had one easy life.   

Here here to being ourselves, not apologising for it and doing whatever we want. 

[Returned]

I love your post Rebel13, and all the comments. So very interesting.  I am also a Bad Daughter, seemingly however hard I try. My mother is in her 80s and I feel a lot of pressure from others to care for her. She does not want to want the care and can be verbally agressive to me if I do more than she wants. Recently I bought her some groceries that I knew she needed. It was not appreciated as she likes to only have a few things at a time, I believe so it forces me to visit more often.
I used to have good boundaries but lately became caught up in trying to be Good Daughter. I have learnt my lesson once again and have stepped away somewhat. She has carers going to her house every day and I will hear if there is an emergency.  I plan to be less available to her while still ensuring that she has what she needs.
I have found it very draining having her in my life again after having variations on NC/LC for ten years. I am very happy to read the posts here to learn how best to handle the situation.
@Rebel13 i know you thought twice about posting but I am very glad that you did!

[Tribe16]

I also realized how many fantasies I had created of the happy lives and events they all have there together, without me.  It quickly became super clear that that is NOT the way things are, at all, in any way, for any of them, and that I'm not missing any version of a warm, close family life by being so far away. 

Rebel13, that was eloquently and thoughtfully written. I feel like your post was a little bit of a Godwink for me. There is so much of your story that resonates with me.

I am traveling by plane today to see my dad who is in the hospital. I haven't told my mother. I am making no plans to see her. I have felt FOG that I will need to - but she has disrespected me so badly in the last week withholding info about dad, that it will be a better visit without her in it.

I am nervous! I am scared! I still feel like I will be a terrible daughter! But I won't be. Because I'm not. Lord knows I reached out and tried to maintain that connection so many times.

I'm sorry your mom couldn't give you grace for 2 freaking hours. It's that sad realization that we all are making. I'm glad you have a supportive partner, good friends and a good life away from the "pretend loving family".

I hope to tell my dear but enmeshed dad, how much he is loved, how much it meant to me when he took us on adventures to get away from Oscar the Grouch when we were growing up. I'll leave out the part about Oscar the Grouch when I talk to him but... Mom visits him in the mornings. So Thursday morning when she realizes I came to visit the evening before, she will likely go ballistic but I will have been able to visit with Dad without her resentful muttering hovering. I plan to make the most of my visit with him without her undue influence.

[wisingup]

Rebel13 - you've told your story in a very clear & compelling way.  It's very similar to many of ours. 

It took me a long time (into my 50's) to realize that my role was to be the support that propped up my mother.  Once I got very very tired of this role, I started to remove myself & that just caused everything to escalate.  And not just from my mother - also from those who relied on me to shield them from her worst. 

And so I joined the Bad Daughters Club.  It's hard, because I truly wanted to be a good daughter and have a close loving relationship with my mother.  But I don't have a mother where that's possible, without having my whole life controlled and criticized and consumed by her.

Anyway, she still behaves similarly to yours - she wants the relationship that we had before & will cry, cajole, guilt-trip, freak out, feign illness, weaponize incompetence, and any other trick she can come up with, other than trying to be a more mature person.

Don't feel guilty - at all - about keeping yourself safe.  I know it's easier said than done, and I'm struggling to follow this advice.  I know I come running to this site after virtually every interaction with my mom because its so confusing & traumatizing.  If I could fully remove her from my life, I'd be so much better off, but I can't now that she's quite elderly & declining into dementia.  My brother would have to bear the entire burden & I won't do that to him.

I'm glad you are in contact with your own brother & I would encourage you to (carefully) keep the door open as he may be coming around to understand the dynamic more.  For me, its tremendously helpful to have my brother validate some of my childhood experiences with mom - he's the only one who took the whole journey with me.  And since I have stepped back, he's been forced to see more of it and we've become a little closer.

I hope your own health situation is OK - best wishes to you!