5.5 years NC and they still blame me

[HappyNomad]

Hi everyone, I was active on this board five years ago and it was so helpful to my healing after experiencing a discard and then choosing NC for my own well-being. I couldn't retrieve my old account, so had to start over again! Anyway, it's been over five years since I've had any contact with my uPD mom directly. I can honestly say that life moves on and can be so happy and fulfilling once the people who are abusive are no longer in your life for good. I'm in a healthy relationship, my kids are healing from my years of me putting my moms needs over everyone else's and my own fleas (which, admittedly, caused some damage to their mental health). I only have one family member I speak with and am close with and he was also discarded by our uPD mom around the same time she discarded me.
Recently, our uPD mom reached out to him via text asking him over to visit as if the nasty abusive things she said to him prior to the discard were no longer there (why oh why do they "forget") anyway, he responded with essentially "nope, stop contacting me" text. He called me very upset, he said she'd been trying to casually contact him and his wife and just acting like nothing had ever happened.
My uPD mom blames me for his NC, even though it is actually because of an awful conversation she had with him where she accused him of something so evil I won't even repeat it here. His response to this was to send an email over five years ago giving her the opportunity to apologize. She gave him a year of the silent treatment, and he just went NC after that. The hard part is that he was one of the golden children in the family for many years, but her bad behavior drove him away.

Sorry this is so long, but I'm getting to the point now, finally. Anyway, her response to his text was a five text page rewriting of the story where she literally accused me of being the reason she said the things she said to him on the phone. You can't make this up, folks. Her excuse for her behavior was that she wanted to hurt me as bad as she could because I think I am a better mother than she is and she wanted to knock me off my high horse. It had nothing to do with him at all, and she is so very sorry she let her anger at me get in the way of her special relationship with him. I am paraphrasing this for simplicity, but the story has actually gotten so much more dramatic over the five years and I am the WORST and basically evil and broke the family apart.

She has no responsibility.

I shouldn't have read the texts and should have told my brother that I don't want to know about her (true NC) but he is struggling and was very upset and said he sees right through her, but is hurt. His words were that she is telling him a story as if he wasn't there, and it is so different than reality.
Her words were hurtful, but the way the story has evolved is so cartoonish that I feel even more distant from her than before.

I wanted to post this because I had recently been thinking about reaching out to her and maybe trying to repair things, I had deleted all the emails, texts, hateful voicemail messages for my own healing, but I think that just made space for me to forget how awful it was. I'm going to keep these new texts for a few more years to remind myself if I ever doubt NC is the way to go!!

[moglow]

There really is a playbook out there somewhere, huh? I laugh, not because it's funny at all, but out of solidarity. Mine has done basically the same, flipping from one person to the next explaining "what happened" and how it was someone else's fault that she showed her hindparts. Completely disregards how she herself walked all over those very people. To her mind it's easily explained where she's the poor victim of it all and she deserves to be treated better. 

I can commiserate with y'all on both counts, having it happen to me and being on the sidelines thinking that was inevitable but still hating to see them hurt. Having her turn on each of my brothers has changed our relationships for the better - and how she'd hate that. 😇 

[HappyNomad]

Hi Moglow,

It's so true. There must be a playbook out there! Having five years of space has helped me put it into perspective for sure.

My brother put it so well that had she just simply apologized and attempted to make amends without blaming someone for her actions he may have been receptive. But her five page text diatribe really put him off and opened his eyes. I feel bad for him and know it hurts. Sad the destruction they leave in their wake, huh?

[moglow]

That's what I was just thinking - had she just admitted she treated him badly and he didn't deserve it, left everybody and thing else out, it may have ended very differently. How people can not see that boggles the mind.

Mine attacked two of my brothers similarly in the past few years, maintaining that *I* was the problem between them. Poor her. Poor poor her. They both have memories with her I don't, conversations I wasn't there for. Mistake to try and pin that/her nastiness on someone who wasn't even there. 

[Leonor]

"Her excuse for her behavior was that she wanted to hurt me as bad as she could because I think I am a better mother than she is and she wanted to knock me off my high horse. It had nothing to do with him at all, and she is so very sorry she let her anger at me get in the way of her special relationship with him."

Omg! Who would read that from anybody about anybody and think anything but wow, what a horrible, vengeful, frightening thing to do!

And yet they really think the other person is going to respond with, Oh, you hurt me in order to hurt someone else more. Ok, no problemo!

Really, these people!

[Pinkos]

Wow. I think it's a good sign that we forget their cruel and unhinged machinations. I like to think that perhaps it's a sign that we're more productive in our thinking/feeling. We're more focused on our own stuff and taking responsibility for our actions/feelings.

It can lead to self-doubt or starting to feel well enough where we think we can handle or should handle them better now. At least that's been the case for me. It's so nice when we get a real dose of reality like you did to snap us out of it! I totally relate to that feeling of disconnect and alienation that you described when your brother told you. I'd also caution you to be careful with your brother to not get sucked back into the drama through him. I'm not saying he's doing anything intentionally - he's hurt, which is perfectly understandable. But for both your sakes, don't allow her to monopolize your conversations.

You've come a long way and so has he! The best revenge is to be healthy and live well! And you've done it! 

[desertpine]

"...should have told my brother that I don't want to know about her (true NC) but he is struggling and was very upset..."

It's so sad, isn't it, how she can still insert herself in the relationship between you and your brother. Maybe for now you need to set a boundary with your brother? You want to support him and you still can but you can ask him to not bring it up with you because it's so raw and hurtful. Maybe he can talk with a counselor or seek more support from others?

[Liketheducks]

Welcome back.   I remember your posts.  My mom and your mom might very well be the same person....long lost sisters?  I'm a discarded golden child.   Mom is STILL trying to pretend that she did nothing wrong.  She is a master at triangulation with my two brothers and myself.   They alternate in the role of favorite depending on who is indulging her at that moment.   And, also, who is struggling.   She is quick to "help"....in quotes because it is with a hefty dose of weaponized incompetence.   Then a sprinkling of guilt when they are "ungrateful" for her "help".  It is maddening and hurtful and my FOO is fractured by both of my parents.   
Take care.