Hello

[melissa2is]

I stumbled across this forum when a friend suggested the book "Out of the FOG" for me.  I think I'm in a relationship with a narcassist although I'm completely questioning if I am the one.  I have done a lot of reading and I know this is common to blame shift.  I am very well aware of the mistakes I have made.  Everything is my fault, I ruined everything, etc.  I find myself begging him to "give me one more chance".  Lately it seems like things are fine and then all of the sudden out of nowhere he will say I will never change and he doesn't want to live this life anymore.  I'm not even sure what I'm doing wrong...other than spending time with friends.  He says that I put my friends above him and I try to include him.  I've even ditched long time friends that have been disrespectful to him or if he is uncomfortable for whatever reason.  I feel that he has double standards and does things that he would never put up with if the shoe were on the other foot.  He often hangs out with a group of women (single) at bars and doesn't seem to care how that makes me feel.  One of the group in particular has been very disrespectful to me, but he won't stop going out with them.  I would never consider doing the same to him and he would never put up with it.  I feel so defeated I don't know where to start.  I can't promise I will stay away, although he has flat out told me he doesn't want me in his life anymore.  But says that often and always comes back.  Sorry for running on...just don't know where to start.

[Starboard Song]

You've started at exactly the right place, in several ways. Welcome to Out of the FOG. We get it.

May I paraphrase? Your current partner often -- but not always -- says he can't be with you and doesn't want you in his life. He causes you to ditch long-time friends, but ignores your own interests by hanging out with single women at bars. You feel defeated.

Relationships are hard. And you aren't being foolish to struggle to end it. But let's just say it: that's a bad relationship, and is not good for you. You wouldn't eat at that restaurant. You wouldn't stay at that hotel. But that relationship -- for all of us -- those bad relationships somehow draw us in.

That said, I welcome you here and welcome you to take your time. You don't have to figure out anything today. Head over to the Toolbox. It will help you see patterns and behaviors, and begin to tell that -- yeah, it's him and not you. And read the Chosen Relationships board, to see where stories resonate. You'll find your way.

Most important, sorry to say, is finding one trusted friend IRL with whom you can confide everything. I encourage you to find that person. Make a list of things you KNOW are true. And another of things you know AREN'T true. A real and trusted friend can help you live by those lists, and not go in circles.

Again, welcome.

[melissa2is]

Thank you both for your well thought out replies.  I guess I neglected to say that after he often tells me he doesn't want me anymore...he comes back.  And things seem fine and the cycle just repeats over and over again.  I will checkout the resources you both suggested.

Thank you!!!

[SonofThunder]

Hi melissa2is,

A third warm welcome to Out of the FOG.  You are not alone in your experiences!    I will second the advice from both Starboard and user.  user also mentioned YouTube.  At the bottom of my reply, is a great YouTube resource from Dr Ramani, a well respected expert on narcissism and professor in the USA. 

See if any of these behaviors associated with each term she discusses, aligns with your experiences.  In addition, see the Toolbox tab at the top of this page and the list of 100 traits in the Personality Disorders tab to the left of the Toolbox. 

The terms on the Out of the FOG website/forum will align with Dr Ramani's teaching. Lastly, in my opinion (imo), keep your education private to only you, or a narcissist may actually use your learning to abuse you in more devious ways.

See you around the boards,

SoT

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj